Panic attacks back

Hi Debs I just wanted to send a big hug.  

I can relate to the panic attacks.   And the small things that set off a spiral of sadness and longing .  Tonight I accidentally stood on the dog's paw.  Queue a good few hours in the depths of despair thinking about how this proves everything bad happens to me and how stupid I am. I was never very good on perspective but now that Nick has gone it's not there at all.  The dog is fine by the way.

The only thing that's been helping is something a counsellor I saw was saying - there has to be a process.  A process of breathing in that cool blue air with all the thoughts and the panic and blowing it out with all the red hot anger and furious crying.  Its very simplistic but it's the only thing I can take a breath with.  It doesn't fix sh*t but it helps to release a tiny portion of this horror.

I've had EMDR before for PTSD I have after miscarriages and it's very good but it takes you through the grief so you have to be prepared for it to get worse before it gets better.

I hope you manage some sleep. Sending love

Hi Aunty Debs, I am sorry you are going through these nasty panic attacks. I had them quite frequently in the first year. Also, palpitations and a fast pulse. It think it was the overwhelming nature of it all, and long term stress. Legal responsibilities, supporting our adult children, exhaustion and knowing my darling Paul wasn’t coming back. It is truly the most horrendous experience, ever. I felt totally alone for the first time in 40 years, and it scared the wits out of me. I was obsessed with our house security, and safety in general. Not surprising, as my husband was a gentleman and liked to look after us all. Gradually, it has eased. Breathing exercises, sleeping when possible, acceptance and acknowledgment that I would not change a single moment of our time together, and knowing it will pass, all help. We care, and understand. Sending hugs to all. Kate.xxx

Thanks for your words. It’s EMDR they are going to try with me, got everything crossed. My trauma is mostly the last two weeks of Andrew’s life which was so hard for both of us, me feeling guilty because I don’t think k I did a good enough job looking after him, we were arguing like it was a normal part of our day, we didn’t talk about him dying because it wasn’t an option we thought about even though they had stopped his treatment because it wasn’t working, we were just living like he would live forever, it was so strange, I guess we thought like every other argument we would just forgive & get on but he died before I had a chance to know if he forgave me for harsh words we may have said to each other at the worst time of our lives. I know he would be saying ‘you’re overthinking it’ but I will never hear that now.

Thanks Kate, it’s just so hard with no one to really be able to help. I have great family & friends but they can’t really do anything to fix my mind.. I’m so tired of not being able to help myself either. I try so hard to not wallow in my own grief but he’s so my much to miss. It’s only been a year & it scares me that I have what’s left of my life like this. I will never not miss him

I find the regret and the guilt so hard too.  I think i could've saved Nick.  No matter how many times people tell me I'm not a doctor or a consultant or an oncologist.   I know this is the sensible thing but I still think it, the guilt is there always.  Nick would tell me I need to just know that cancer and pneumonia were stronger than both of us.  

I think that's the only way, in time I might believe it.  If someone had said oh do this it will solve it we would have done it and I know you and Andrew would have too.  

And your beautiful life together counts for so much more than those words said in the strain of this horrible cancer.

You are of course right, the 25 years together should not be spoilt by something out of our control but at the moment it does. I left Andrew for the first time in 2 weeks & when I got back he was gone. He had been bad for two weeks but when he asked to go visit his Mum I thought he was feeling better. I would have tried to save him but I also know it would have been the wrong thing to do, to bring him back to more suffering. We had just got to a time in our lives when things would have been slower & gentler for us but then the cancer turned up & took away my life & my future

Cancer is so unfair.  I think I will wonder forever why it was Nick and not me.  The world is so much less for not having them here.  I don't believe in God but if there is one up there with a plan then the plan stinks.

I totally agree, all so unfair. If I had ever believed in god, I certainly wouldn’t now ‍♀️

Hello again Debs, its been a while since you were here or perhaps I've missed your comments. I am now 14 months along this horrible path alone. I'm doing the talking therapy now as I'm just not coping well. I push myself to do the day to day things. Doing lots of DIY, but at times wondering why I bother. I had my assessment a few weeks ago. I cried a lot and found it difficult to control my emotions. The Lady I spoke with said she would discuss what sort of therapy I needed to get me to a better place . I think the same .. how do I do the rest of my life without my Hubby beside me ??? I think it takes a long time to come to terms with accepting that our other half has left us for good. We can take all the help there might be out there , but at the end of the day this is something we have to come to terms with , nobody can do that for us no matter what they say or how they try. I feel like I'm going backwards . I don't know what the answer is except we have to keep trying to push ourselves forward and try make some meaning for us to be here . Just know that you aren't alone , we are all going through the same /similar shit . Take care and try to focus your energies on something..A hobby  a project perhaps . Cx 

I feel that way too. It really makes me angry when the Brainwashed believes spout off their words of Their Bible fairy tales. If there was such a thing as a God ..why would they allow such suffering ?  For those who died and those left behind mourning the loss.