Antidepressants or not?

Hello Mrs VT

I have to say you have my utmost sympathy and understanding. What we are going through is horrible. Maybe only those who have been, are going, through this horrendous loss, this terrible grief, can understand each other.

With regards to the antidepressants, I was put on to them (2mg diazepam, three times per day, 9am, 3pm and 9pm) after I had a complete breakdown 6 weeks ago (vivid flashbacks, nightmares waking me up literally screaming my lungs out, constant sobbing, tremors all day etc.)

This was the second time for me. I knew what to expect. For ME, it was a complete numbing of self, a flat-lining of how I felt, no emotions. For ME , it was horrible, it messed me up, couldn’t drive (too messed up, co-ordination shot), couldn’t concentrate, slept most of the time. Apparently, everyone reacts differently, so my reactions may not be yours (GP says that I have a very high reaction to them).

However, for ME, after a week or so, I was able to start calming down. Completely emotionally numb (You could have told me that I had just won £150 million on the lottery and I would not have batted an eyelid), but on a more even keel, no extremes. For me, a horrible feeling (I hate being out of control), but in a strange way it helped ME.

I was able to concentrate on on my feelings, my thoughts. I was able to really read and make use of the “Its OK that Your Not OK” book by Megan Devine (which I have referred to in an earlier post), able to really read it. Realising that I am not going mad, I’m just a sane person trying to make sense of an insane situation in a mad world.

Starting to learn the coping mechanisms (breathing techniques, distraction techniques when overwhelmed, even journaling, just writing brain dumps, how I feel, what I want to tell Anne as if she is sitting next to me).

I cant say that antidepressants will help everyone, but they brought me a breathing space, a time to bring things under some form of control.

However, you must know that they are a short term measure. They have downsides – you may not be able to drive, do more complex tasks while on them. Potentially many other side effects. They are also highly addictive – Diazepam is a short term measure, not recommended for more than 2-3 weeks.

Please, keep posting here whenever you need to. We are here to support each other through this hell. I know that I have not been on here much in the last couple of months, but I have been going through a really hard time.

I know that many of us have lost dearly loved ones, sometimes in horrendous circumstances, over the last 12 months or more. Just one short quote from the book mentioned – Ms Devine states (pg 29) – “when I am now talking to someone within the first 2-3 years of their loss, I always tell them – “This has just happened. Not last year, two years ago – for you it was just a minute ago. Of course it hurts”.

There are no stages of grief, no fixed time scales of grief. Your grief is unique, as was your love for your dearly loved Valen. I lost my beloved Anne, but I would not say my grief is the same as yours. I might understand some of what you are going through, but I cannot say “I know exactly what you are feeling”. How can I – I didn’t know Valen, just as you didn’t know Anne. But we both loved our partners so much, I feel that I can say “I know something of what you are going through, and its pretty cr*p”.

I have taken so much support from all of you over the last 8 months, I think its time that I try, in some small way, however I can, to give back to you all.

You have literally been life savers to me at times -thank you all

Thank you all so much. Please keep posting when you need to – I will try to respond when I can – may not always be useful or helpful, but I will try. Remember, in the words of the post from yesterday - I am Not Okay, but in time we are all going to be alright – maybe not good, but maybe, just maybe, we will be alright.

Chris

Chris, thank you so much for telling us, me, of your experiences. 

And thank you to everyone who posts on these forums. 
Like you, I have found this site an incredible help, so moving. 
So genuine. So honest.

I have read your post I am not Okay and have actually printed it off.

For me, I will speak to my GP on Monday and take it from there. 
Personally I need to have enough of my abilities to look after mum as she is getting quite frail. 
And, as I say, I do enjoy my 4 days at the museum. For a few brief hours I feel I am helping and see what I do as part of Valen’s legacy.

I have also ordered the Megan Devine book as I see that several people have commented on how it is / has helped them.

As I keep saying to my beautiful Valen - we just had no comprehension, no idea, no inkling, that grief would be so all consuming, so raw, so harsh, so exhausting.  
It sounds silly, but isn’t grief, well, sad.