Antidepressants or not?

Hello Mrs VT

I have to say you have my utmost sympathy and understanding. What we are going through is horrible. Maybe only those who have been, are going, through this horrendous loss, this terrible grief, can understand each other.

With regards to the antidepressants, I was put on to them (2mg diazepam, three times per day, 9am, 3pm and 9pm) after I had a complete breakdown 6 weeks ago (vivid flashbacks, nightmares waking me up literally screaming my lungs out, constant sobbing, tremors all day etc.)

This was the second time for me. I knew what to expect. For ME, it was a complete numbing of self, a flat-lining of how I felt, no emotions. For ME , it was horrible, it messed me up, couldn’t drive (too messed up, co-ordination shot), couldn’t concentrate, slept most of the time. Apparently, everyone reacts differently, so my reactions may not be yours (GP says that I have a very high reaction to them).

However, for ME, after a week or so, I was able to start calming down. Completely emotionally numb (You could have told me that I had just won £150 million on the lottery and I would not have batted an eyelid), but on a more even keel, no extremes. For me, a horrible feeling (I hate being out of control), but in a strange way it helped ME.

I was able to concentrate on on my feelings, my thoughts. I was able to really read and make use of the “Its OK that Your Not OK” book by Megan Devine (which I have referred to in an earlier post), able to really read it. Realising that I am not going mad, I’m just a sane person trying to make sense of an insane situation in a mad world.

Starting to learn the coping mechanisms (breathing techniques, distraction techniques when overwhelmed, even journaling, just writing brain dumps, how I feel, what I want to tell Anne as if she is sitting next to me).

I cant say that antidepressants will help everyone, but they brought me a breathing space, a time to bring things under some form of control.

However, you must know that they are a short term measure. They have downsides – you may not be able to drive, do more complex tasks while on them. Potentially many other side effects. They are also highly addictive – Diazepam is a short term measure, not recommended for more than 2-3 weeks.

Please, keep posting here whenever you need to. We are here to support each other through this hell. I know that I have not been on here much in the last couple of months, but I have been going through a really hard time.

I know that many of us have lost dearly loved ones, sometimes in horrendous circumstances, over the last 12 months or more. Just one short quote from the book mentioned – Ms Devine states (pg 29) – “when I am now talking to someone within the first 2-3 years of their loss, I always tell them – “This has just happened. Not last year, two years ago – for you it was just a minute ago. Of course it hurts”.

There are no stages of grief, no fixed time scales of grief. Your grief is unique, as was your love for your dearly loved Valen. I lost my beloved Anne, but I would not say my grief is the same as yours. I might understand some of what you are going through, but I cannot say “I know exactly what you are feeling”. How can I – I didn’t know Valen, just as you didn’t know Anne. But we both loved our partners so much, I feel that I can say “I know something of what you are going through, and its pretty cr*p”.

I have taken so much support from all of you over the last 8 months, I think its time that I try, in some small way, however I can, to give back to you all.

You have literally been life savers to me at times -thank you all

Thank you all so much. Please keep posting when you need to – I will try to respond when I can – may not always be useful or helpful, but I will try. Remember, in the words of the post from yesterday - I am Not Okay, but in time we are all going to be alright – maybe not good, but maybe, just maybe, we will be alright.

Chris

Chris, thank you so much for telling us, me, of your experiences. 

And thank you to everyone who posts on these forums. 
Like you, I have found this site an incredible help, so moving. 
So genuine. So honest.

I have read your post I am not Okay and have actually printed it off.

For me, I will speak to my GP on Monday and take it from there. 
Personally I need to have enough of my abilities to look after mum as she is getting quite frail. 
And, as I say, I do enjoy my 4 days at the museum. For a few brief hours I feel I am helping and see what I do as part of Valen’s legacy.

I have also ordered the Megan Devine book as I see that several people have commented on how it is / has helped them.

As I keep saying to my beautiful Valen - we just had no comprehension, no idea, no inkling, that grief would be so all consuming, so raw, so harsh, so exhausting.  
It sounds silly, but isn’t grief, well, sad.

Hi Chris, thank you for your lovely post. It really helps when we support each other with our losses. I have now finished the Meghan Devin book on, “It is ok, not to be ok. I am finding it quite transformative. In particular, when she mentions about us needing companionship and validation. It is also helping me to get deep into the pain zone, and explore it. I am working through each horrendous memory, and learning how to heal my soul. I will have a small break from the book, and then go through slowly, and highlight passages that help me the most. This is my book for the middle of the night, when I the horror crowds in.This forum has been very supportive over the past year, and I will continue to post. Kind regards, Kate.  

It’s good to hear that this book has been used by a few of you and you have all had positive feedback on it.

Hopefully should be with me in the next few days x

I'm sorry that you have lost your husband and find yourself on this site. I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly. He was 53 years old and died of a large saddle pulmonary embolism and undiagnosed kidney cancer which we didn't know about. I did CPR on my husband and started taking fluxetine20mg after I had a break down at the doctor's. I still go through the grief but found the anti depressants take the horrible edge off and I can sleep as well which is important for your mental health. My son was 22 when he witnessed his dad dying as I was at work, he takes anti depressants as well but thinking of coming of them. It definitely not a fixed. It just makes you function better. Big hugs xx 

I think I do need help sleeping.

Its 3am and Ive just got back into bed after watering the garden in my dressing gown.

I am up too. I can hear the birds just starting to sing. I am going to have a coffee, and think about my darling. Hugs to all. Kate. Xxx

I get asked if my anti depressants work by my mental health team, but the only answer i can give, is i don't know what i would be like without them. I am in a very dark space having taken an overdose twice as all i want to do is be with my husband. I am still having counselling twice a week nearly 2 years later which i pay for. I am trying my best to carry on but it is just so hard without him.

Hi there, thank you for your honesty. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am ten months in, as my husband passed in August last year. I have thought about anti-depressants, but I don’t know if it will really help. I just want my husband. Sending hugs, Kate.xxx

That’s kinda where I’m at. 
I know why I’m feeling like I am. 
I know it’s not going to magically get better with medication. 
I can function on a day to day basis - I make myself go out every day if only for an hour long walk and I volunteer 4 days a week and go to 2 craft  / art classes a week.

But I am still, nearly 8 months on, in massive denial that my beautiful Valen has gone. 
Even after some strong, really helpful counselling. 
I look for him in the house, wander around calling for him. I listen out for him, constantly check my phone. Shout out “come home now Buba”. Record programmes for him that have no interest for me.
I maniacally clean then can’t be bothered - what’s the point. 
I’ve changed the batteries in all the fairy lights he put up - but what’s the point, I’ve turned them all off as their cheerful twinkling upsets and annoys me. 
Stuff like that - I do things then undo them, destroy them, as what’s the point in any of it if he can’t see them, share them with me.

I get a couple of hours fitful sleep and I know that this is not sustainable and at some point I will burnout. 
I know my rubbish diet will start adversely affecting me. 
But I just can’t break the cycle. 
So maybe medication will help with that but I don’t want to become a zombie.

As with all of us, there is only 1 person who can help me through this.