Sudden lows

And that's good advice Vicky. We have to do what feels right at the time. I don't always follow that advice. I know I need to move forward a little ,and we need to try to push ourselves to do something to break up the monotony , But some days it is more difficult. And we choose the safety and comfort of  laying on the sofa with a soft blanket and watch something mundane on TV. There has to be something better only if and when  we feel up to doing it . 

My beautiful Valen, when given the “it’s all ok now” talk said he was going to make the most of his life and started the wheels in motion for early retirement. 
We were both 56 at that time and he said I would be able to retire with him. 
So we started to make excited plans. 
5 months later he was gone. 
I did take early retirement but all those happy plans are in the bin. 
When we were told it was back and terminal he made me promise to either take my time to find a job I really loved or fully retire and volunteer. I have done the latter.

I fully appreciate how lucky I am in that respect. And that due to Valen’s careful forethought and planning I can. And people say “how lucky for you”. 
Only I can say that. I don’t take it from anyone else. 
My reply to that comment?
Do you honestly think I would rather be lucky, or be in a job I don’t like but come home to Valen?

B. Hell ! Some people just don't think about what they are saying. Yes I get it that we are "lucky " in the fact that we have a roof over our heads . Can retire though not  living in luxury early and be able to pay the bills ..just . But that's because we have worked hard and been careful. We certainly don't feel lucky that our hopes and dreams along with our most Precious Person has been cruelly taken from us . I hated the job I was in before retiring to care for my Hubby. But it got me out of the house and brought some money in. I'm glad that you at least have been able to leave the job you disliked. You would have been even more unhappy . The volunteering seems to be what you enjoy or at least gets you to go out and socialise instead of hibernating like I seem to be doing. Or is it Isolating ?    I can't call this house Home and neither could I call the last one Home . My Hubby was my Home. Nothing feels right anymore .  

Oh Breton, that is such a perfect way to put it!
My beautiful Valen was my home! 
It didn’t matter where we lived, if he was by my side, loving me, me loving him, then a skip could be our home.

I’m having a real struggle tonight. 
For some unfathomable reason, can’t think why this has set it off, I am obsessing over an unanswerable question.

When that horrific moment came and my beautiful Valen, after gasping out that he couldn’t breath and “ambulance”, when I was on the phone to 999 and he suddenly stiffened and stopped struggling, I grabbed his ankles and dragged him off the chair.

Did I bump his head as I got him on the floor?

The logical part of me says “probably, but you knew he was gone so does it really matter” 

My heart says “probably, poor Valen. Hitting his head like that with a hard thump to the floor must have hurt. Was that the last thing he felt. I could have been more careful. I’m sorry, so sorry if you did feel it”

For the last 2 hours I’ve been sobbing hard and replaying those horrific moments over and over and over. 
Like I don’t anyway, but now it’s like my brain is trying to zoom in on his head.

But as I say, the logical,part says “stop it. It doesn’t matter”. 
Im circling.

I am sorry you are struggling, tonight. Me, too. I spent most of yesterday in tears, and couldn’t stop. It was like the early days, the feeling of loss so intense. I managed to get through the day, somehow. I put the ‘Mask’ on, and cried in between hoovering, gardening and cooking supper. Then I was in bed by 8pm, and cried myself to sleep. Our son said, ‘What a good day’. I have become extremely good at hiding my emotions. I don’t want their lives destroyed, as well. 

• I just seem to ruminate all the time. It really does drive me mental. I cannot let go of the thoughts that I didn't do enough to keep him here. Reliving the last few weeks  Asking myself why These things had to happen just 2 months before we would move house. We had grown apart in some ways. So much going on . I had all the sorting out of the house. Selling ,trying to keep the house and gardens tidy. Searching for another house after the 1st and 2 nd we had put an offer on turned out to have subsidence. And people letting us down with ours.  I can't believe that while I was helping a friend with her loss. My Husband  was deteriorating so much and I would lose him. How could I miss the signs ?           Our Brains do make us suffer. As if looking for things we did wrong. Telling us that we could have ,should have done things differently. I constantly think how things could be better now . How I could have made his life better, easier and most of all Happier. It's so cruel that we have these flashbacks again and again.  This is why I want to try the EMDR . In the hope it might reset my brain and stop all this . You were trying your best to help him. 

It's crazy on Friday night I made myself go see Toyah,  it was a ok night, the seat nex to me was empty, so I looked at it thinking someone is missing.  When the show finished, I saw happy faces and people smiling, which it should be.  I just felt empty, knowing I had no one to talk to. Got home to my empty house.  So with it being a Friday went to bed and waited to relive that night again.

Take care everyone. 

Bless you, I have a exactly the same problem, I realise now that he had been poorly for a while but he never complained about anything, his manner towards me had gotten a bit unkind sometimes which wasn’t really like him, don’t get me wrong we had our struggles we both had mental health issues to a point but we were an awesome team & people even commented on how they wished they had a relationship like ours. He had lung cancer with brain metastasises, his treatment was going well & we had hope & then after not being able to have the treatment for a couple of sessions due to an episode his brain tumours came back, we were so close & the hope was taken away. Strangely though when we were told the treatments wouldn’t work anymore & it was only a matter of time we chose to carry on in total denial that he was going to die, like he could beat it without treatment, the alternative was not an option. He was doing so well but in the last two weeks he had a really bad back ache which of course we put down to a trapped sciatic nerve, not considering it was a tumour. He also had diarrhoea in the last two weeks so trying to get him to the toilet all the time with his back pain was so mentally & physically exhausting for both of us, my biggest regret, the one I can’t get past is that we were arguing a lot in those last two weeks & I feel like I let him down so badly but we didn’t know it was near the end & we were fighting against the cancer so hard we forgot to be kind to each other. When his back felt a bit better & the diarrhoea had stopped he decided he wanted to see his Mum in Bristol, 150 mile trip so of course I was thrilled to think he was well enough to do that. On the day we were going I popped out for the first time in 2 weeks, I left him sitting up in the lounge & when I got back he was gone. I’m sure we would have made up over any argument we had & im sure I would have told him I love him before I left but I don’t remember, all I remember are those last two traumatic weeks & I hate myself so much.

I know that Hate thing. It doesn't help us at all . As if the grief itself isn't enough. Obviously when they are in such pain ,but trying not to let it show. they took it out on the nearest and dearest. Mine shouted ,almost screamed at me sometimes. As I didn't feel much like a Wife anymore I did tell him to get another carer on a few occasions. We have to realise that the stress both Partners are under causes us to react like that ,and we never stopped speaking for long. I never ever got an apology for any of the hurtful things he said. In fact I don't think he ever said Sorry for anything the whole 49 years we were a couple. I don't think it was in his vocabulary. I bought a fridge magnet once ,Probably still have it in a tin somewhere. It read . I married Mr Always ..He's always right . ( Even when he wasn't ,he wouldn't admit it . Just said Shut up. Which meant I was right. I have heard couples say "We never argue never a X word." Well I don't believe that . Someone is keeping quiet. True love never runs smoothly. I keep trying to tell myself He's not suffering anymore ,but it doesn't take away the Heartache.