Missing my husband

Hello Jbee

Condolences to you and I think I can relate to what you are going through at the minute. You will have had or still to have all the `firsts` Birthday, anniversaries etc without him. I have just past my 3rd anniversary without Jay (23rd June) and this fortnight it still hangs over me because we didn't have his funeral until the 14th July with all the `hoo-ha` of paperwork etc to get sorted out. My first year I think flew by because I was still dealing with a lot of stuff like closing bank accounts cancelling subscriptions etc while at the same time still coming to terms that he had actually gone. It was I think more the 2nd year that got me more because its then I think you realise they are not coming back and have actually gone and its just you now. But then it may be different for you because grief hits everyone in different ways and no one is the same. I still some days can't comprehend he is gone there has just been so much going on that I want to share with him and that makes me really sad that I can't. But I like to believe he is somewhere in the universe watching over me and watching our little granddaughters thriving. He only got to see the first two years of the older one and passed when she was two years old and never got to see my new granddaughter at all who is just over 8 months old. He didn't get to our sons wedding either or see the oldest granddaughter start school last year which was something he wanted to do but cancer had other ideas there. I still have my days when I wonder what is the point of getting out of bed in the mornings but you do anyway and just put one foot in front of the other. I have family close by I look after my older sister who has learning disabilities inbetween times of looking after my granddaughters so I am still here for a purpose I suppose. I wish you well in making it to that first `milestone`. Take Care. 

Vicky x

Thank you, so many things I can relate to there. 
I have had most of the 1st things but these last ones seem the hardest. He died the day before my youngest granddaughters 3rd birthday and a week before mine, he was so looking forward to his retirement last December and didn't get there, so many things we were wanting to do. The day before when we had the oncology appointment he was so happy because everything was looking so positive for treatment etc.
I do feel like Im moving into a harder time as you say the last year is very blurry, there was paperwork, cancelling things changing things and then I moved house and put ours up for sale. I know I did it all but its hard to actually remember it. I have some really supportive close friends and family but some havent been helpful at all, I suppose thats just the way of it. 
Just lately I just feel like Im going crazy my head is so whirly. It feels like it will never get better.

Julie

Just take your time. You'll get there. Maybe once you've seen the first milestone past you can breathe a sigh of relief that you did make it to it. Yes I get that too the well meaning people who maybe said to you `if there's anything you need`who all suddenly disappear. You will find your way through this and maybe through time will start to feel a shift of some sort happening in that you won't ever forget them but can start learning to live a bit more better without them. There will still be the `triggers` of something that may remind you of them or of time spent together and that can be hard but for me I can remember times with a smile now. Yes so much we wanted to do too and Jay never got to enjoy his retirement either. After retiring after working 50 odd years his days were more or less spent in hospitals or clinics etc whereas when he worked he never visited a hospital or doctors hardly ever just so cruel and sometimes so unfair. 

Vicky 

Hi Jbee,

I totally get where you are coming from, this is the time for me now when despite me telling Roger to go to the Doctor's he didn't want to, he just thought it was his back although it was a 'different' pain. He also lost loads of weight. I am reliving last year, the trips to A & E before being told it was cancer on the 15th August until he passed on 10th September.I still feel that he has gone away but will be back, though I know he won't and it is really painful as I miss him everyday. I have his birthday at the end of this month which he shared with my late Father, those were happy days.

The World cup especially last night, we would have watched the game with our Son. Then there is the tennis another favourite sport of ours. All these events and he should be here! Then I think what a proud man he was and he would have hated any form of treatment. I remember how he spent his last week in hospital, how he was treated just awful beyond words.

Like you, I don't feel any joy or happiness and my family and friends don't really get it. They are there, living and enjoying their lives which they should but for me it is so very different now. The advice to me was to give it a year before making any decisions, so I have and as I near that year's end it still feels like I'm going through the motions. My thoughts are what would Roger have said to me and hope that I make the right decisions and if in doubt to leave it for now.

This forum has really helped me and I don't feel quite so alone.

Sending my best wishes to you.

Unfortunately nobody can fix this for us. The first year is a busy one. Sorting all the paperwork, On top of everything I was dealing with the sale if our house and trying to find somewhere to live. I had so many plans for us to spend more quality times together. But it seems that was never to be. My Hubby was going down hill faster than I realised. He never told me how bad he felt. I wish he had ,but I guess he was used to suffering. He had injured his spine over 45 years before and it progressively got worse and other ailments were added through the years. He was so brave and rarely complained. I think I was just going through the motions for the first year. After all the firsts I now try to focus on getting the important things done at this house. I find no joy in anything,but do get some respite from the ruminating on what has passed as well as what should have been. I just have to push myself every day. It is so difficult not having a future without our most loved person in it. Only those of us who have lost someone so important really understand how horrendous grief can be. One day at a time . With hope that the pain will lessen somehow. 

I can relate to so much in your post Roly. My husband Jay was the same. He suffered from back pain for years but then the type of work he did involved heavy lifting of steel beams and shifting concrete so he put it down to that. He was the same and would never go to a doctor always `scared of what they would find` but in hindsight maybe if he did whatever they found may have got treated before it was too late. He ended up with Type 2 diabetes so that was a double whammy on top of his cancer. He passed in hospital too and he wanted to pass at home when they finally told him there was nothing else that could be done for him but a couple of bouts of sepsis meant that he had to be rushed into hospital again and he stayed there until he passed. Its such a cruel disease. Best wishes to you. 

Vicky.