Yes this does happen. Still does to me. Some days you may feel that you are moving forwards and feeling positive for the future and then something happens like a giant wave that knocks you right back as if you shouldn't be thinking as you are. All part of the grieving process unfortunately but as I've said many times we are all different and may experience different little incidents we may put down to grief. You will probably feel this more with where you are at just now. Take Care.
Oh yes Dan, happens all the time. You are so early in your grief, you will still have this full range of overwhelming emotions. I still have lows most days, perhaps not for the whole day but at different points.
Try not to expect so much of yourself, hard I know, I am always being told Im really hard on myself when Im really not coping.
Just talk it through when you can and if you want to.
It’s so depressing. Been ok today until about an hour ago then boom so low. Have been out with the kids had nice few hours come home the kids are all watching a film then suddenly I feel awful. I know I am at the beginning of this awful journey but it feels like I will never be happy again
Yes Dan. Regularly. I went shopping today ,took a sedative beforehand thinking that will help ,as I was already tearful this morning. I forgot my money so had to come back. Walking around Asda trying to be quick. Kept forgetting things on my list. Then felt the wave coming on. I have a bit of a cold and felt my nose running,held my hand to it until I found a tissue. Got to the till and noticed blood on my hands. I had a nose bleed. I always think that's a release from raised blood pressure . I just needed to get out ,but had to put my things through. I screamed most of the way home , and cried . At least nobody can hear me when I'm driving. You are still in very early grief ,so really you have to expect the waves . Though it is unsettling. How does it affect you ,? I had terrible panic attacks at first up to about 6-7 months. Not quite as bad now . But maybe I'm learning to cope better.
I cannot imagine ever being Happy again. Hopefully in time we will experience some joyful moments. You probably put on a brave face for your family . I think you are expecting too much of yourself far too soon. You just need to try go with the flow. It cannot be rushed. Eventually we learn to carry our grief differently so I'm told .
i am just so angry. Friday and Saturday I was hung over and was awful the poor kids saw my moods and how depressed I was. Sunday I decided to stay in bed all day so nothing could kick me off. Today I woke up feeling so much more positive took the children shopping as my boy needed new trainers but when I got home I felt awful. This journey is so up and down (more downs). It scares me that my moods can change so much.
I get that scared feeling. I can get so damn angry that in the past I have ripped out every plant in the garden, stamping on them. What’s the point of a nice garden if my beautiful Valen won’t see it. Then felt guilty for being so stupid and spent money on new plants.
I’ve snapped at my 90 year old mum for being negative. Poor dear, she broke her pelvis and was feeling low. All I could think was “Valen should have reached 90 with me”. Again the guilts afterwards.
1 minute I am smiling at something funny on tv, then literally pinch myself so hard it leaves deep marks. I kick and punch walls in anger. In fear. In despair. In a desperate need to feel something other than numbness.
But at least I can now smile at the telly. I might not be motivated to tidy or clean, which he would hate, but do get my arse in gear to get out for a daily walk. And I push myself to go volunteering 4 days a week and a weekly craft group. Yes it’s overwhelming still to get home to the new silent silence and empty house, but I now, after 18 months, can do it without a panic attack.
I feel angry that people I thought were our friends have just melted away since David died. They were all so concerned while he was in the hospice, all there at his funeral, now they never text or call. He would be disappointed in them. He would have hoped for better support for me in these dark days. I hate the weekends, I'm always alone. The hours drag. I walk the dog, I try to keep occupied, but the silence and emptiness in the house seems unbearable. I live near the beach, but at weekends it's all couples and families and I just end up in tears, so I stay home. There seems no end to this; no light at the end of this tunnel. I can't find anything to be positive about tonight.
I live near the beach as well. I love walking along the prom in the early morning or when it’s not so good weather as the only people about then are dog walkers. As soon as the weather picks up I avoid it during the day, all happy couples. The elderly couples upset me the most, that should have been us down the line. It was our Sunday walk, come rain or shine. I would sometimes moan about going out in the wind or rain, but Valen would always say “come on lazy” and off we’d go. It took many months of false starts before I could do it. Even now I sometimes have to turn back and do a different walk.
Our true friends have really stood by me. But as you say, many who we thought of as good friends have melted away after a few months.
Not that I’d have anyone round. To ashamed of how much of a tip the place is. I was always so proud of our lovely little bungalow and its garden. I’ve had a few utterly manic cleaning sessions. Once at 4am, not sure if the neighbours could hear me hoovering at that time! But in between there are months of no cleaning and clutter build up. I’m at that stage now, I look around and say just get on with it. But that’s all that happens. Just can’t get the motivation to get up off the sofa and do it.
On the anger side, I sometimes go to the charity shops and get a box of dirt cheap mugs and crockery. Perfect for hurling at a brick wall.
