Sudden lows

My beautiful Valen had made me promise that at some time I should go on a talked about river cruise in Portugal with my elder sister.  
We had been on 2 holidays with her and her husband and had great times. 
Her hubby has health problems and no longer enjoys going away, so we all knew it would be just her and me. 

Well, we decided we would go to cover the week of the 2nd year of Valen’s being taken. 
That way I’m not home at that time, I’m with a loved one and she will cry with me and look after me. 
As you all say, I will be crying anyway so at least I will be crying somewhere lovely.

So I will be keeping my promise to my Valen, my sister will get a much needed break away from her hubby and I will as well at a time I will very much need to be away from home.

Its good some of you are feeling that you can manage a break especially one on your own. Im not there yet. Ive stayed with friends but cant yet face going alone. Maybe one day

Today I can't even find the courage to leave the house. It's five months today since David died and I can't stop crying. I can't think of anyone I could ring, they're all busy working or whatever, I just feel so alone. I must spend 90% of my time alone, but I can't face going out. I don't know what I'm for now. I have no purpose in life, nobody needs me now. Sorry this is so miserable, I don't have any positivity left today.

No need to apologise, 8 months in & I feel the same, I have been signed off work now as my physical health is getting worse as well as my mental health it’s just too much. I thought work would get me through, how wrong I was, it’s just made everything worse. I prefer to be on my own, I hate the look in peoples faces when they see you are ‘STILL’ grieving, they have no clue & I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Even people going through it can’t help because your grief really is your own  It does all seem pointless now, I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing 

I felt the same with work. It was one of only 2 things in my life that was there before. Choir being the other.  But work is an effort, I know I went back too soon, but have tried my best to go with ir, hoping it would get better, but it isnt. Im so reluctant to take more time off as I dont think it will help but Im close to that point.

Although our grief is carried by us alone, I do find safety around others on this path. We do share many feelings that others can relate to without having to explain or without that ' god here she goes again"

Spirit I too spend a lot of time alone. I do like my own company, juts not all the time. Wish I was nearer, I would come and give you the biggest hug I could muster. 

I have to believe this isnt it now. 

That will be lovely for you both. We always fancied one of those River cruises like Viking which is advertised on TV, But it's always booked up to a year ahead. So we never got it booked . They look really relaxing . And it's always good to know you will be comfortable with the person you go with. Someone who will understand if you get upset .? Like you say you will be with good company in a lovely place and hopefully that will make it a bit easier to bear. My good friend often made arrangements to be elsewhere on the Anniversaries . She came to us a few times and to her twin sister . Much better than sitting home alone and really sad . x

I don't think I could ever go anywhere alone. My friend whose Hubby was my Hubby'd Best friend finally decided to go with a group  of single Ladies for a short break . This was in the 10 th year of his loss. And she really enjoyed the company. And has spoke of going with them next year. I'm sure she will ask me to go somewhere at some stage , but I would prefer to be in a better place in my head and Heart . I feel such a misery and would hate to spoil the fun for anyone else . I can still have a conversation, but I do get overwhelmed and have meltdowns very often .  Is there nobody you could go with Malengwa? Even just for a weekend ?

Perhaps you could ask your friend in Yorkshire if she fancied a weekend away . She might be glad of a break. 

Aww!  Spirit  it is so Horrible the way we get so down. I have cried even more than before this month. With all the Anniversaries and Birthdays and next month coming up the fateful day . It's been extremely difficult when all I can think of is this time last year he was still alive . My sister has been asking me to go into Town for weeks and I actually agreed today. It did get overwhelming at times. I took a Valerian tablet before we went and was ready for one when I got back. I had to rush out with the dogs before it was time for Yoga . I could often say I won't go. but I have to push myself . I missed 2 classes while my Sister was away.  It is very lonely . I spend most of my time alone . But I have always got the dogs here . Could you not get a dog ? Are you not a Dog person ? You would be surprised how many people you can start a conversation with out on a walk with a dog. You could even try fostering if you don't want to commit to adopting one . A dog would need you and love you. That could be your new purpose . I am not much different ..I am feeling very negative about practically everything. My role as Wife and carer has gone and I hate it. 

I do have a dog, a beautiful black lab. She was very attached to David, and is only just getting back to her old self. She gets upset when I cry, she is very empathetic. There are people I know from walking her, some are very kind but others seem awkward now it's just me on my own, and some days I feel too upset to chat anyway. I think some days she is my only reason for being here, she needs the stability. 

I've tried valerian (Kalms) but they make my heart race so I've stopped them. Friends keep suggesting antidepressants, but I'm not sure. I feel that the lows get lower each time, and it's harder to pull myself out. I had a long chat with a friend this pm and that helped a bit. She said that David would say I was doing well. I don't know. But he was very brave and bore his pain with such good grace, I owe him to try to do the same. Thankyou Breton  x