Sudden lows

mrs VT,  I have to look at it that way, Tony could have died when he had his aortic dissection and if he hadnt had that, they wouldnt have been scanning him and found the sarcoma, so he may have died sooner. He nearly died of post surgery pneumonia but didnt. His body went through such a lot. 

Does it help me feel better? No, not yet, perhaps in time it will, who knows.

I think the Guilt trip comes with the Grief. Part parcel along with Anger , jealousy ( another I never expected ) Deep sorrow and depression setting in now with the realisation that this is it. I'm never going to see my Lovely  Handsome Hubby again .  He said he looked at himself in the mirror and found himself repulsive . To me he was still Handsome . I haven't exactly aged well myself..especially this loss adding at least 10 years on me. I was in denial too, I could see he was becoming weaker and I knew his heart was affected as well as his lungs which were in a bad way. I was already going through Anticipatory grief. Although I didn't realise it at the time. I'm the same no matter what anyone says I will never believe that I did enough to save him. When you have to watch them slowly deteriorating and nobody seems to be interested in helping him besides giving more medication. And I felt there was nothing I could do anymore to make him better ...then to watch him take his last breath ,and be unable to stop them leaving . How can I accept that after all the years of caring for him that there must have been more I could have done to keep him here.   I think my Hubby was doing the same . Pretending he didn't feel much worse than the usual, I keep thinking of how scary and Horrible it must have been knowing the end was coming .                                  How can I ever forgive myself for letting him down/letting him go ??                  My eldest son has just been on the phone telling me I need to go back to the Doctors to get more help. Maybe ask for EMDR Eye movement  Desensitization  & reprocessing .which may be offered on the NHS. I have read it's supposed to work on brain reprocess " stuck " memories, replace negative thoughts for positive ones . Would be nice if that would change the never ending rumination of the past events .   Is that something you did with the PTSD Therapist?   It sounds a bit scary to me , but I suppose there is no gain without pain. As if it can be worse that this Horrendous pain.  

Your story is my story, so absolutely devastating, I could have almost written that myself

Sending hugs  

Hi Breton  I had EMDR for PTSD I had after several miscarriages and my counsellor worked through this with me.  It worked although it was really hard and I'd be exhausted afterwards.  My counsellor used hand and arm movements but I believe some use lights etc. 

It depends what's right for you.  As long as your counsellor makes you feel safe, counselling is so personal though what works for one isn't right for another. I'm finding that now that I'm on this grief path too.

Much love

Our eldest son trained in Hypnosis, He used a similar technique on a Lady who was traumatised after the bombing at a Manchester concert It worked for her. She can now go to Concerts again, 

Morning Breton, the Early Birds are up, (or in my case), didn’t really sleep. I just tossed and turned all night. EMDR sounds interesting, I had never heard of that before. Anything that might help is worth a go. I am going to try light weights in front of a mirror, to see if I can exhaust myself enough so that I sleep better. It might help with the horror flashbacks. We all carry so much trauma. Kate.xxx

Perhaps you should ask your Doctor about EMDR Kate . I'm going to make an appointment at the Doctors today. I'm the same I don't really want to sleep because I know i'm going to relive the weeks before My Hubby left me . I just don't want to use the other words for it. Can't even bear to see his name  or hear it on TV or anywhere , though when I bring old memories up I do say his name But it feels like a stab. It's so ridiculous . I still can't have his photos out . I come across them in the documents on the computer . And it's so painful I can't look for long. I have his face in my head all the time. I think the EMDR is a fairly new treatment  but it seems to be used more now for PTSD and helping with behavioural problems . I didn't realise it could be given on the NHS. until I started reading about it and mentioned it to my Eldest son. Anything is worth a try to see if it helps us get back to some kind of Normality. So lets give it a go. xx

I find going to bed hard as my beautiful Valen should be lying next to me and another day has passed, taking me another day further from the sight and sound of him. 
I don’t want to go to bed because then I have to get up with an empty space next to me and another day ahead without him. 
So I snooze on the sofa then drag myself to bed 2 or 3 am.

When an advert comes on tv for Cancer Research, Race for Life, funerals, etc I have to scramble for the mute button, just cant hack them.

A lady who I know who’s training to be a counsellor mentioned EMDR to me the other day, I am going to ask my doctor when I finally get to see him in a couple of weeks. The last two weeks of Andrew’s life are something that really plague me, I understand that he couldn’t stay as he was  too poorly & his pain would have become way too much to control but I wish we had both realised that (I think we did we were just in denial) in the last two weeks instead of falling out about stupid things & saying things (in the midst of a devastatingly hard time for both of us) that can’t now be taken back or understood. If I could get help with that I could grieve without a much soul destroying guilt 

I was the same when I first moved here , I slept on the sofa most nights with my dogs for company.. I didn't feel our last House was home after the neighbours became aggressive and Abusive . I really wish we had got away sooner . I'm glad I got away , but My darling Hubby was supposed to come with me and I wanted to make him happier and try my best to help him improve his health. I really don't think I could have coped staying in that house without him. When I went into his bedroom and looked at that empty bed , I just crumpled . I think all of you who stay in the same house and bed you shared with your special person are stronger than me . My two good friends stayed in the house they shared with their Husbands after they passed away. It's got to that stage where we now know that the rest of our lives will be without them and that is so depressing . And extremely difficult to accept.           It is painful when reminders come on TV , It's why I am only watching mundane repeat programs . Dragons den , Homes under the Hammer , Gardening programs etc. But if a Happy couple come on the programs that hits hard too. Jealousy , deep sadness for what I don't have anymore.  Yes I also have to mute or turn over .   I explained to my friend how I can't even play the music I used to play every morning , or watch a soppy film. I don't know when /how long before I will go back to enjoying these things as well as reading my books.   Isn't it ridiculous that these things we took for granted just hit home what we have now lost ?   I feel my existence has become very insular .