Sudden lows

Oh! so very sad that you feel so alone. It would have been different if you had Children possibly. Though not all are supportive of their Parents. I can understand how you must be feeling Worthless.  You aren't at all. it's just the crap way things have turned out for you. Do you have any pets ? If not maybe consider a dog or cat for company. There are always so many  looking for a home where they will be loved. Our loss does really crumble our confidence. I'm so glad your Brother and family have welcomed you into their home just now. It's still very early days for you and it's going to be really difficult going back to the house. And sorting things out. As it's dry just now I'm trying to go through some boxes in the shed. Hopefully in time we will get ourselves further along and get sorted out a bit . X

That's a good idea. I've smashed a few plates ,but I'm now trying to stop myself or I will have none left. I try to throw something plastic or hopefully unbreakable. I lash a tea towel or hand towelt a piece of furniture to release some anger. If it wasn't for the fact that our youngest son is staying here until he starts a new job ( I bet he can't wait to move out ) I probably would be a messIf I know someone is coming to visit I try tidying up. But it tends to be moving things from one room to another. It probably doesn't help us " living" like this. I used to be pretty tidy . Problem re is there just isn't much storage space. But I have to admit I have too much of everything. I am a mess. My long suffering Hubby was the opposite . I drove him mad at times with my clutter. I said  it would be different at the next house. It most likely  would have been if he were still here . 

May be better to take more care how much you are drinking. I steer clear of Alcohol , Stopped drinking about 20 years ago cos' I would feel so ill after 5 halves of cider. A terrible headache and being sick. I decided I wasn't going to pay to make myself so ill. Our eldest son uses Alcohol to escape the pain.. But it doesn't help. He's on the wagon at the mo. Been dry for a few months now. 

I keep reading my reply to you and it looks like I was being patronising . It wasn't meant  to be .. it's just that I didn't want the first line to say I'm so sorry. because It has been said so many times to me since losing my dear Husband , and I see it written all the time . And what does it mean to someone who is going through this nightmare ?? I wish there was another way to say how much I wish I could change the lousy deal you got in this thing called " life "   It makes me really sad that I can't make things better for the People who deserve more . There just doesn't seem to be any Fairness for some . I hope you are getting a lot of good support from you family. And that they tell you how much you mean to them. That you are a much valued member of their family.  This is the worst thing that has happened to us and it's really difficult . Eventually in time we should be in a better place in our heads . I've seen friends who have got through it . And made a different way of life . No idea how long it took them.  x

My husband used to say Please take my ball out of the hat now when he just kept getting bad news at every appointment. 

When my daughter was 13, she was run over by a bus ( literally) . She survuved but has significant problems with her leg still after 25 years. Her teachers used to say why do these things always seem to happen to the nice kids?

And so it is. Cancer is no respector of anything, certainly not how nice a person you are or how fit and healthy you are. Its sh*t that some of us are dealt this hand, often with little or no warning. 

I went to a new grief group yesterday, one that was very much smaller than others Ive struggled with. I was saying I have to believe it will get better otherwise why bother getting up every day?

I was just coming on to say exactly this, everyday is a struggle but I get up & do what’s needed, (signed off work at the moment, the physical symptoms of grief are just too much, on top of the mental strain it’s all too much). Today however is a bad day, I found some text messages from a year or so before Andrew’s diagnosis & realised that I had missed early signs, now of course I’m blaming myself for not being able to save him, you know the stuff we beat ourselves with. The tears are unstoppable & my heart hurts. There is no one to help & today is exceptionally dark  The last two weeks of his life was so hard for both of us & I feel like I let him down so badly. It was an impossible situation with only one outcome but not one that either of us was ready to accept, all of the lovely time we had together are marred by those last two weeks & I have no idea how to deal with it

I wish someone could give us the answers on just how to deal with the worst times . It seems we are all crying out for help to get us through each day and Night (Even worse ) I feel the same .. so guilty for missing the signs. For not following my own intuition instead of inexperienced Doctors who hadn't a clue. If the Doctors don't know enough ,then how are we supposed to.? But still that doesn't help us lessen the heavy burden we carry. Looks like I wiped off the last text messages between us when My Love was in Hospital, I had saved on this phone . Whilst clearing lots of others . 

It is crazy that there is literally no one that can help, because grief is a really personal thing no one else gets your grief, we all know how devastating it is but cannot help each other, apart from allowing the rants on here which do help a bit

It seems that it takes someone whose been through a deep loss of someone very close like a Spouse /partner to be able to help and understand how bad it gets . There just aren't enough people to do it. And those who have and also studied techniques to help charge quite a lot to subscribe . Its good that they do take the time to record podcasts which help a little . I suppose in the long run we have to just work out way through the intense pain as well as all the complex emotions that come with it. It really is an uphill struggle .  I wish I could help others , but I'm finding it so difficult to even help myself. 

The PTSD counsellor said, before I bailed, that the aim was for me to become my own self counsellor. 
Well, that’s a hoot! I can’t even council myself on washing my hair, what jacket to wear, eating etc etc etc.

In the last 16 months I have had Art Therapy, GP mental health nurse, PTSD counselling and 2 bereavement groups. 
None of them have helped me to accept that I could not have done more. That the outcome would be the same. Lessening the guilt I feel.
I was in denial over the terminal diagnosis - it came as a bolt out of the blue, though I later found out my beautiful Valen suspected what was coming but was shielding me. 
In denial he has gone. In denial that out future has evaporated. 
None has helped me manage my anger and blind fury at his treatment. 
None has helped me see a real future bey9nd this limbo.

One good thing the PTSD guy said, when I vented my anger that Valen had to go through lengthy surgery, recovery, bloody awful side effects from radiotherapy and for what? A year later he was taken. He said that without all that my Valen may well have gone back then, to look on it all as having given us an extra year.