Sudden lows

I don't seem to have anyone locally, my good friends are all miles away. The loneliness is the worst thing, but I don't have the courage to 'join something' as people have suggested. I can't trust myself among new people yet, I am too up and down. I feel surplus to requirements now. No purpose. I thought I was stronger than this. 

OH Mrs VT I could have just wrote what you have . written- minus going to the charity shop for mugs to throw at the wall. My cleaning is possibly non existent now but like yourself I will have little `spurts` now and again. I am so full of what I am going to do the next day but it comes and it doesn't happen somehow. I hate looking at clutter but like you say sometimes the motivation is just not there to do something about it. I keep convincing myself that I'm fine in my own company being a natural introvert, but sometimes even that can get to you. So many things I still want to do but still not finding the motivation to get on with it. As Spirit says the weekends are the worst we would always be out somewhere on a weekend at our caravan during the spring/summer months or just out for a Costa coffee somewhere just to get out of the house just seems so long ago now. Take Care

Vicky xx

Nick and I were always out at the weekend taking a drive to the seaside like Largs or Ayr or in Costa like you having a cuppa and watching the world go by.  It just all hits home as things I'll never have again.   And talking of sudden lows I had to apply for a new credit card yesterday and its ridiculous but the ones we had Nick set up for us both.  It was another thing that had gone.  Another bit of him.  

I just feel like I have no idea what to do next.  How to survive my life on my own.  

Yes that was us too Nic. 

Jay hated being in the house but with his work he was away most of the time and always on the road travelling. Before we had the caravan we always had wee impromptu days away just for the sheer hell of it even going down to Bothwell service station just outside Glasgow for a cup of tea/coffee and back home again- I kid you not!When we got the caravan he couldn't get enough of it and we were there at every opportunity it was his wee home from home, wee bit of paradise. I sadly had to let it go when he passed just too much for me to handle financially on my own. Lots of things I find hard financially now without him but `hey ho` as my dad used to say `you just cut the cloth to suit` and it works out. Just seems like a lifetime away now. 

xx

You aren't alone. I am finding the waves of grief are  overwhelming . I have to go shopping and it takes a lot for me to do it. I start feeling ok and  rise and have to get back to the house quickly before I end up in floods of tears in public. It's harder for you having your children to support. I am crying moe than ever now as this is a bad month for us . We have all the Birthdays . This time last year my Husband was here ,but very ill, more so than usual but he didn't tell me it was different. Not just the back pain and the difficulty in breathing. His body was shutting down. And I feel heavy guilt that I was so busy dealing with everything else , that I missed the signs . All I can think is he could still be here. Have  you had any counselling yet ? It really does help. I need to let my anger out. Angry that He didn't tell me he needed to go to Hospital sooner. Angry that the Doctors were hopeless. But so angry with myself. I've damaged the kitchen tap . Damaged my bedroom door. Nothing seems important anymore. I really need to get myself a punch bag I think. At times I want to scream to let it all out of my body. I never ever imagined it would be so complex. Trying to go through boxes . I need to decide what to get rid of. I never used to have so much clutter. There really should be more support for the bereaved. It's certainly hard trying to get through this alone. You will get out of bed most days because your family needs you. They will give you that strength to get through this. They need you as much as you need them. If I didn't have to take the dogs out I don't think I would leave the house. 

Nick and I used to go to those services as well, anywhere to get out of the house like you say.  There's a nice garden near Clarkston that we used to love too, I had to cancel the national trust card though.  Just something else thats gone.  I feel like all the bits are chipping away.

That is a big thing for us when we've cared for our loved one for so long. I felt more like a carer than a Wife during the last few years. It was sad to see our relationship had changed. But I never felt any resentment that my role had changed ,I was just so glad to still have him. Since they've gone we do feel our purpose has now gone. Well we are strong until half of us is taken away. It's a shame we don't all live closer so we could support each other . It might be easier to be around others who really get what we are going through. We have moved quite often during our marriage and left so called "friends" behind . Some good ones have died. It is terrible that people we thought would be there for us just drift off never to be seen after one Partner has gone. But it shows they weren't really true friends. One day it will come to them too. I wish there was a magic wand that could sprinkle a little positivity on us and give us the strength to find some Joy in living again. 

I can relate yo this. I have one good neighbour but she is a carer for her husband so I dont like to call on her too much. Friends are not at a popping round distance so things have to be arranged in advance. I did everything people said, go out, meet new peoplle, join things. Ive tried but most of the groups are just too big, im a natural reserved introvert, so its a big deal for me to put myself out there. And it hasnt helped so I stepped right back which then means I spend more time at home, alone.

Yes I feel I have no strength stamina or resilience. I just muddle through each day, weekends are awful unless i have company. 

3 years ago my Husband finally inherited the little one up one down cottage from his Mother. 22 years after she died. Silly woman left half her money to her Boyfriend to maintain the property which she allowed him to stay in until he died. He didn't maintain the house or the garden. He went on holidays with various girlfriends instead. I told my Hubby to buy a little boat so he would have something to get out of bed for. It was a disaster . After only 6 months we found it needed a new engine . He got very little pleasure from it . And when he was unable to even board it for 6 months he decided to sell it. We thought we had sold it last year when he was in hospital. But when the engine was put back in the pipe was left off the radiator I think it was  And when eldest son took it out the boat filled with steam and smoke. So it had to be fixed again. I wish I had never suggested he got one. I am having to pay over £400 every month for the berth. Half my pension. Got it  up for sale again.Hopefully it will get sold soon. We would have been better getting a caravan. At least we could have escaped every so often. We are going to have a loss on the sale ,but it's doing nothing . I had hoped it would give us as a family some happy memories and Hubby some joy in his late years. It certainly is a big hit trying to live on half the income . I don't really care about the money . I just wish he was still here. I only need money to pay the bills and buy food. But when we have worked hard hoping for a good retirement it is depressing. We had a caravan when the boys were young and made good use of it. Renting it out for the Summer holidays to help with the ground rent. At least we had some good holidays. Oh! how I wish we could go back in time. 

I feel so low today.  Nick died 19 weeks ago and I'm miss him terribly.   We couldn't have children so I feel worthless now, I have nothing.  My only family are my brother, sister in law neice and nephew. I am staying with them just now as I cant manage to be alone.

I mentioned yesterday how different it would have been if I'd have had children to look after.  I'd have sorted out the house by now and Nick's things and learned to drive as Nick did all the driving and just gone back to work and had to get on.  I feel like im not worth keeping now.  I have no value.

It feels like the world never wanted me to have anything.  It didn't want me to have Nick.