Black Holes

Hi Breton, I've had a couple of better days as my daughter-in-law visited with my two young grandchildren (7 and 4) so they kept me busy. Now facing the long easter weekend alone as nobody has suggested visiting or issued any invites. I want to do some gardening but it's still quite cold and windy here (Suffolk coast) so it will depend on the weather. I don't paint, but I do a few crafts - model houses/scenes, fabric pictures/ pebble pictures etc - so that helps pass a bit of time. It only works if I can find that positive mindset though, other times I just watch rubbish tv or write endless pages in a journal. 

People seem to have disappeared from my life, people I really thought were our friends. It's so hurtful and I know how disappointed David would be that they supported him but aren't there for me. Everyone is so 'busy' or just too involved with their own lives to think how empty mine has become. I hate this life, I can't see why I have to be here when he isn't. I don't see the point but I know there's no choice and I have to get on with it alone. Our children lead their own lives and although they are kind they aren't nearby so visits are rare. I don't drive so that doesn't help. Like you I find photos hard to look at. This is all so very very hard, isn't it? xx

Yes Spirit, its certainly the hardest thing I've ever had to cope with. And We've had some Shite thrown at us both over the years. It's been 10 months for me . I keep thinking this time last year My Love was here Alive , but certainly not well. And shortly I will be thinking the worst ,that in a few weeks . I'll be thinking this time he left . And even after so long as one day had just blended into the next ,because that's how it feels . I am still finding it so very difficult to accept. I also keep saying to myself how I hate this life . More like an existence . I don't know what state I'm going to be in by the end of this month, Yesterday was our Anniversary . And I cried and screamed into my hands at times. My elder sister rang from France today , to ask if I wanted to go for dinner at hers for my Birthday . I thanked her ,but said no. I was never bothered about celebrating my B. day ,and least of all last year or this . My Hubby didn't even realise it was our Anniversary last year . And neither did he realise the day of my B.day and I didn't bother reminding him. We could hardly say Happy Anniversary or Birthday when he was so ill. It's  a shame you don't drive , at least you could be more independent,. I'm glad I passed my test in my 30's . Because the car was often sat in the drive for months when my Hubby was in bed ill. I needed to be able to use the car , and perhaps drive instead of him on occasions. Well it's getting late . Suppose I should go to bed . Hope we can get some much needed sleep. Goodnight x

I went out with friends this evening. Chatting, reminiscing, laughing, some shared and witnessed tears. I then walked home to our empty flat and the loss hit me like a train. Literally sat on the floor, sobbing, wailing, trying to self soothe. This loss is enormous. I couldn't, can't, show them how difficult this is. I keep being told how 'well' I'm doing. 

 My life is untethered. I've never yearned for anything as much as I want my husband to walk in the door. 

 Is there anything we can do, Breton, to help honour your anniversary? It reads like you had a great love, with someone who saw you in your entirety. From what I can see, you loved your partner with your whole self, and I'm sure you were loved in the same way, because you were you..are you. That's an achievement to be honoured and remembered. 

I want to believe that I can ride this out, appreciate that I was fortunate enough to meet and love someone who enhanced every bit of my life but was only permitted to have them for a short while. I'm typing this for myself now- I was a person before and I'll be a person again but I'm so sad for all the things that he didn't get to do or see or achieve. I desperately want him back. 

This is how I’m still feeling at 18 months down this bloody road since my beautiful Valen was traumatically ripped from my side.
I just cannot accept that he won’t come walking through the door. 
Still surprised when I come home and there’s no jokey “Who’s that?” 
Still expect t9 look up and see him cooking up a storm in the kitchen. Or hear him quietly on the phone in the the home office. Or tapping away at his computer.

I still cry ever. Single. Day. For 18 months. That in itself is exhausting. 

I hate it when people say I’m doing so well. But then they would, as they don’t see the real me. They see the mask. The act. The pretence that we all put on so as to reassure others. Mostly to reassure them that we aren’t going to top ourselves. Our pretence also allows them to move on. Double edged sword. How dare they move on, but I’m saying I’m ok, so they do move on. As they should. It’s only my world that has stopped, not theirs. 

Im fine in the daytime. Keep busy with volunteering, helping in “our” cafe, seeing my 90 year old mum or my sister, long walks, crafting (just got a small table top loom to weave on), painting, jigsaws. But at the end of the day, the evenings, when I get home, this deafening new silent silence is crippling. 
I mentioned it once to a friend. Their suggestion? Either get home later or get an evening job. I tried to explain that it doesn’t matter if I get home at 5, 8 or midnight. He still won’t be here and it just shifts the inevitable back by a few hours.

Sorry, long ramble. Just feeling overwhelmed again. 
As I said 18 months and still in that confusing mix of denial and reality.

Hugs to those still up at 2am x

I had a lovely catch up with my friend, yesterday. We talked for over three hours. We were at the same Bereavement Group, and we just clicked. The honesty we have between us is amazing. No pretence, no mask, just the truth on how bloody hard it has been. She is two years in, and I am twenty months. There have been improvements for both of us, the way I would describe it would be as very gradual shifts and a lightening of mood at times.This helps balance the intensity of the nightmares and flashbacks. Kate.xxx

The dreams are the worst. When you see them in your dreams it can feel so real and then you wake up

I was chatting with someone else this week about dreams, i dont dream about Tony at all, not once. In fact I dont recall any dreams of anything since he died, but did before. How weird is that?

I won't pretend to be Ok.I just try to act "normal " I feel like I'm the one who rambled on more than anyone. Having nobody to talk to about how lost I feel . And oh! so desolate. Even though we know they've left us forever .It is still very difficult to fully accept it. I try not to think too far ahead. I turn 67 this month. And I keep thinking If s this my "Life" now ? Existing. Forcing myself to get up in a morning, take the dogs out. Have small talk with people. I still talk and if my Hubby is still here. It is unsettling that the world carries on and we are stuck in limbo. The Valerian keeps my nerves steady. I think I would just lose the plot if it wasn't for them . I can feel them eating off after about 4 hours. Not taking them as often now. I don't want to block everything out or just survive on them forever.  Hope you have a better day and that you got some decent kip which helps a lot. xx

I've had a lot of dreams about The events leading up to losing my Hubby . A lot going over the same things again and again. And they felt so real that when I woke up with a start .. at first I thought he was still here . One night I even thought he will be coming upstairs soon.And we had lived in a Bungalow and before that a caravan for the last 14 years . Then I would burst in to tears when I realised the hard truth that he wasn't here . And I will never see him ever again. It's Brutal. It makes me ache for him even more. . Some people find their dreams comforting ,but not me . I want him back here in real life. It's like a cruel joke the brain is playing on us. 

I try to be normal but I think im just annoying people really.  I'm worried m family will get fed up with me and that I should just move on more than I have done, its been 18 weeks.  I'm still trying to do the financial things and I feel like everyone else would have that done n dusted by now.

Work are asking will I come back and I think well I cant even get myself together to go back to our house.

I've contacted Cruse about some counselling  but I'm not sure if it will help.

Will I ever get further on.  Time just seems to make it harder not easier.