Early days for me

Hi Julie I'm so sorry for your loss of John.   You will still be in shock and have so many things swimming in your head.  I lost my Nick in November and I still feel I haven't accepted it.   He had kidney cancer and the trial didn't work neither did the following treatments.   It's so unfair, cancer is so indiscriminate.  I'm glad you have lots of support,  hold onto them.  You will need them all for longer than you think.

I'll be thinking of you on Saturday.   I found the funeral quite traumatic but some say it helps.  Brings some peace.  I hope so.  Lots of love 

Angela 

Hi Julie, Im sorry to read about John, as you said, a familiar story to most of us here. My husband Tony died in October from an aggressive sarcoma that spread so quickly.  

Its so raw in those early weeks, you will be in shock and also busy with paperwork and funeral planning etc.the foreverness is so hard to comprehend so all you can do is take one minure, one hour one day at a time. Cry when you need to, dont hide it from the children. Its good you gave family around, and lean on friends when you can

We are a decent bunch here, we all get it, so come and chat shenever you want to. 

Hi Julie!

Welcome to the forum although its not a place the majority of us want to be but here we are. As Malengwa has already said we are a good bunch and a good support for one another and `get it` when you maybe feel those around you don't. Yes as your heading said very early days for you and everything you feel right now will be very raw. Your head will be all over the place experiencing all sorts of emotions like guilt, shock, denial to name just a few. I have just passed my 3rd anniversary of losing my husband Jay to bowel (colon) cancer too. He passed in June 2023. He fought it hard though taking everything they could throw at him bar the kitchen sink until he just couldn't take anymore or they told him they had exhausted all lines of treatment. He got his tumour removed in January 2022 but 5 months later it had come back. A follow up appointment and blood test showed his CEA markers had risen and a futher CT scan confirmed it was back. He was put on further chemotherapy treatment but unfortunately it damaged his kidneys which resulted in him having to have drains inserted into his back to help his kidneys drain properly. Four bouts of sepsis followed and it was on the 4th along with his terminal cancer that finally took him. He wanted to pass at home but in the end was just too weak and had to be readmitted to hospital and he stayed there until he passed away. Cancer does rob you of so much. It robbed him of seeing our son get married in February last year seeing our oldest granddaughter start school last August and robbed him of seeing the birth of our 2nd little granddaughter in October last year. So much we still wanted to do he retired on 4 years before he passed and because of his illness never got to enjoy his retirement after working 50+ years with hardly a sick day off work. It can be just so cruel and unfair at times. You mentioned Scotland in your post are you from Scotland? I live in Glasgow. Just keep coming here when you feel you need to its a good place to let off steam or shout or have a good scream. As I said we all get it. Take Care of yourself and Best Wishes to you and your family. 

Vicky x

Thanks Vicky, yes I am from Glasgow, we live in the north of the city. Your husband definitely endured a lot before he died. John’s only operation was to give him a stoma before his chemotherapy started at the beginning of July 2024. He just did continual chemo until the last one on 5 May 2026 when liver function tests, CEA of 2800 and CT scans showed the last line chemo hadn’t worked. So heartbreaking to have to tell the children who, although they knew all the facts, had never connected the dots and worked out how short his time could be. Can’t praise the NHS high enough though for all every aspect of it did for John and their support for me allowed me to care for John pain free at home until he died. For that I will always be grateful. 

Hello Julie, I'm so sorry you are in a position that like the rest of us needed to join this forum. It's tragic that all our Husbands / Partners have suffered so much and that we as the people who loved them so much have had to witness them go through so much and at the end lost the battle . You are most likely in shock just now . I know the shock of realising this was it stayed with me for a long time.  I found it so difficult to cope that I think I had already shut down, and had been functioning on Auto pilot for some time before my Hubby left me. I listened to someones Podcast yesterday which described exactly how I felt . The Nervous system can only take so much and this is how it copes . Listening to the Lady who lost her Husband describe how it affected her despite being a strong personality,it  made me realise it wasn't my fault that I was just going through the motions and yet not being able to cry or or show my emotions to my Hubby didn't mean I no longer cared . I carry a lot of guilt for how I was in the last few weeks of his life . My sons have accepted his passing better than I have , partly because he was so very ill for decades with various health problems which I won't go into.And I know they missed out on having a good relationship with him as they were growing up.because he was unable to do the things most caring Dads do with their sons. I'm sure they miss his presence in their lives , but they never mention his name , whether that's because they don't want me to get upset I don't know. Nevertheless I have cried every single day since I lost him . I try to tell myself he's not suffering anymore , but it doesn't help me come to terms with it. I feel for you still having your Children quite young losing their Dad . It sounds like you have a good support around you and I hope that continues. I see you don't live far from Patty , perhaps you will be able to stay in touch with one another .Sadly many of us here seem to live quite a long distance apart so we cannot give the same support as we might otherwise have done if we were closer. There are some things that you might find helpful once you have completed all the difficult things that come with loss , all the paperwork and changing /transferring of names on Bank accounts etc. I have listened to a lot of Podcasts from Widows on-line . Karen Sutton has been helpful. As has Linda Fallasco and Krista St Germaine . They have got me through while waiting for counselling. Take whatever help you are offered . I'm sorry this might be long winded . I wish you strength in what you have to come ...it's a very difficult time and you will go through various unexpected emotions. Try to take care of yourself . Cx 

Hi

i am sorry that you are here. I lost my husband in January to pancreatic cancer which spread to his liver he fought for over 2 years. I also have 3 children aged 26, 23 and 18, they all still live with me and we have helped eachother through this.  I can’t pretend it is easy hardest thing you will ever do but I try and live life as he wanted me to carry on for our family and to live the life he couldn’t.    I have found that getting your feelings out to others wh are going through the same does help, you are not alone.

Vicki x

Hi Julie (Fellow Glaswegian). I live in the southside of Glasgow. Jay ended up with a stoma bag too he was managing to get round that ok with changing it and everything and then he had to get a urinary catheter fitted also. He joked he had more bags on him than Lidl at one point. He got his operation at the Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Glasgow but had to attend Gartnavel on a few occasions as well for a couple of scans I think it was just where they had a space for him. He was admitted to the Beatson too when his kidney function was low and that was when they said they would need to stop the chemotherapy and he had to have the double nephrostomy procedure to insert the drains for his kidneys. He went through so much and yes for everything he went through the NHS and everyone were great I feel. Just wish his oncologist would have agreed to give him some post chemotherapy treatment after his tumour operation to clear up maybe anything that was still lingering which obviously was and left to form again he might still be here. I asked if he should have  the post chemo at one of his post op appointments and was told no that it may hinder his recovery and if it is not necessary they don't do it so you just go with what they say because in the end they are the professionals. My older sister got breast cancer 7 years ago and hers was successfully treated but they sent her to the Beatson for 15 sessions of radiotherapy after it to make sure it had gone and this is what made me question this for Jay. My sister also got bowel cancer two months after Jay passed in 2023 but again they caught hers early and it was treated successfully she just goes for regular check ups now so a wee bit bittersweet that she made it and Jay didn't. Just so unfair at times. Take Care. 

Vicky x

Hi. 

I read this and the tears started again for me. My wife died at 04:30 on June 3rd 2026, so I know exactly how you're feeling right now, and it's just so hard. She had Metastatic Duodenal adenocarcinoma, a rare but aggressive cancer. What you've been through sounds very similar to what Angie and I went though. By the time it was diagnosed, she was already too ill for Chemo, and because of location, wasn't able to have radiotherapy. We sat in the specialists office, and were told that without Chemo, Angie had just weeks to live. She died two weeks later. Until the very end, I kept fading hopes that they had got it wrong, or that she would prove them wrong. The night before she passed, she wanted me to start staying over in hospital. I agreed, but we only got the one night. I am glad she's out of pain now, and She died peacefully, and out of pain, and more importantly, I was with her when she passed. My heart really does go out to you and your children at this awful time. Please try and eat, and stay hydrated, and keep yourself occupied. It will ease much of the grief you're feeling right now. Also, make sure you get out of the house every day. I found myself going stir crazy. May your husband rest in peace. 

Simon