Black Holes

I enjoy writing but have never actually written a letter to Jay. I still `speak` to his photo a lot though.

I have been on the anti-depressants for about 4 months now , Obviously they don't make me feel any more positive or brighter . I refused them at first , but they wouldn't give me anymore sleeping tablets . These are only 15 mgs . Not doing anything really, but at least taking these and a herbal remedy I do get a few hours sleep. Without adequate sleep everything feels so much worse ....if that's possible . Well yes it is I suppose. I've never been much good without a reasonable amount of sleep. In fact I was falling asleep at the wheel of the car and had 3 very scary incidents where I did actually fall asleep. The jerk of the car woke me. It happen twice on the motorway as well , so I had to come off at the next service station. I wouldn't want to kill anyone in a crash. So I rarely drive after 12 pm. I had tests to see if it was low blood sugar or diabetes or something, but it was just exhaustion. Anyway I will stay on them a little while longer . And then wean off them. I suppose I should go back to the Docs. But they don't seem to have the time to listen , just give out a prescription. How did your trip to Yorkshire go Malengwa? We still have most of our family living in Yorkshire . and one good friend. But I really don't want to go visit . Shame you didn't go the week before last while the weather was good, but still better to get away for a few days . 

It was lovely to stay with my friend, thanks for asking. Yes it was very windy but at least dry. It was bittersweet as last time we went together and now it was just me, 7 hours by trains. But I did it and I would do it again now.

Ive been reluctant to go to the dr as I just expect to be put on antidepressants which I dont want, so I havent. Im doing a session run by the hospice called Understanding your grief, after which I can self refer for their counselling, im hoping that will help me. 

I dont sleep well either and am exhausted all the time. Yes you really dont want any accidents on the motorway.

So so true

It's good to make new friends . Especially someone who is going through similar things . They understand . Unlike most of our people who really have no idea . Wouldn't it be nice if we could have our Aura cleansed and it solved some of the problems we are experiencing. A magic wand Oh! yes. 

That was a long journey. When we were living in Scotland it was a pain in the whatsit .  I've been on the train once since last year ,but I worry I'm going to have a panic attack. I take Valerian tablets when I feel the Tsunami arriving. Herbal which are an ingredient in Kalms. They have got me through the worst. And I've used them for years to help me sleep. But I had to try get to see my Mum when possible. And my friend in Yorkshire would always popped down for a chat. I haven't seen her for almost a year. But we message practically every day . Occasional phone calls. I'm just listening to an American who lost her Husband and has become a Grief Counsellor. She's very good. Down to earth etc. Krista St Germain. Podcasts on YouTube tube. She says it as it is  Have a listen everyone . I hope you feel a bit better for having a break with your friend. My friend is the Widow of my Husband's Best friend who died 11 years ago on my Birthday. We have been friends for 48 years. The long standing friendships are the best.            Just listening to What does a grief coach actually do ? With Krista St Germain . Really recommend you all have a listen. She is so good. Tell it as it is  

That was a long journey. When we were living in Scotland it was a pain in the whatsit .  I've been on the train once since last year ,but I worry I'm going to have a panic attack. I take Valerian tablets when I feel the Tsunami arriving. Herbal which are an ingredient in Kalms. They have got me through the worst. And I've used them for years to help me sleep. But I had to try get to see my Mum when possible. And my friend in Yorkshire would always popped down for a chat. I haven't seen her for almost a year. But we message practically every day . Occasional phone calls. I'm just listening to an American who lost her Husband and has become a Grief Counsellor. She's very good. Down to earth etc. Krista St Germain. Podcasts on YouTube tube. She says it as it is  Have a listen everyone . I hope you feel a bit better for having a break with your friend. My friend is the Widow of my Husband's Best friend who died 11 years ago on my Birthday. We have been friends for 48 years. The long standing friendships are the best.            Just listening to What does a grief coach actually do ? With Krista St Germain . Really recommend you all have a listen. She is so good. 

Ive heard of Krista but not listened to anything

 I have been interested in the idea of the widowed brain, and how the brain has to basically re wire itself following the death of a life partner, and this helps to explain why we get brain fog, exhaustion, lack of energy, sleep, memory loss. It doesnt make anything easier but it does reassure me that Im not actually going mad. 

Its not everyones cup of tea but I find it helpful.

I take Kalms too, it helps a bit. 

I now buy Valerian on-line . I needed something a bit stronger to help me get off to sleep when my Husband was ill. Though I still woke up easily. Now I take them when I feel really overwhelmed and I can feel a panic attack coming on. They might not do for everyone. They don't make me feel drowsy. But i am careful about taking them if I know I have to drive. They have got me through Many a melt down. Memory loss ..well that can be a big problem. I drive my youngest son mad. He doesn't realise that it's because of the Trauma and grief. . I shut down for a while , just couldn't cope with the added stress . I hate that word ..it can be overused , but I don't use it lightly. We had a hell of a lot going on besides his illness and suffering. I might have even had a nervous breakdown. Not being dramatic , but I'm sure nobody wants to be bored with our  past history. Everyone has their own problems. And on the subject of Madness . Nobody tells us about the ruminating and  panic attacks , anger ,jealousy etc. that comes together as a package with the overwhelming sadness and heartbreak. We do feel like we are going Crazy. These things should be talked about a lot more . 

Are you feeling any better this week Spirit? I wish I had some good advice that might help relieve some of these Black hole episodes. I am down the pit myself just now. I think we all have to go through these awful times. April is a Particularly bad month for me . Just had what would have been our 48 th W. Anniversary . So yesterday was very Sad . We just don't think ahead that it will end like this in years to come. Apart from having our sons (Although they were both difficult births ) It was the Happiest day of my Life. Oh! My Dog ! I am no fun at all anymore . Sorry if my comments / messages are too depressing . My friend keeps sending me messages to tell me to try being positive. Ha! not easy is it? I tried that and it just brought me Sorrow. ... So anyway . When I am in the dark pit I usually look for a Podcast that might help. I can't do with the ones with the Happy Widows. Is it just me or do they really annoy others ? But there are some Grief Counsellors who say it as it is . and they can be a bit helpful. Just listening to someone else talk about what they've been through takes my mind off my own miserable thoughts for at least 20-30 mins. Have you heard of Tapping ? A few suggest it . I've tried it ,but not sure it does anything. I wish I were like others and could have my Hubby's photo out . But I just cry every time I see him. I have lots of photos of him on my phone in photos . And when I look for a picture I might have a go at painting ,the photos are there and I just burst out crying. I'm sick of crying !! Have you tried painting Spirit ? It can be therapeutic ,if you can put your mind to it., but I have what might be called Painters block. Something like writers block. Maybe you could give it a go. Even if it's just Abstract . Lots of You Tube tutorials if you fancy a go. .Sorry I can't suggest anything else .