Black Holes

Hi joolie

Im sorry that you find yourself in this club, the club none of us ever want to be in.

Its still so recent for you, your head will be in a complete spin, if there is a funeral to organuse, paperwork and admin to do etc. 

The pain is unbearable, there is no other way to describe it. Im coming up to 6 months since Tony died, I genuinely cant believe I am still here breathing every day, but I am. I still cry most days and often feel Whats the point. 

Shoulders, you are also so recently bereaved too. It is traumatic and exhausting. I recently learned that there is a thing called the widowed brain, and it all made sense to me.  Brain fog, confusion, exhaustion, lack of stamina, poor memory etc, yes I seem to have them all. Yes its hard to take the advice, go out, meet people, join things and I tried, I really did but Im quite shy, and groups have been too big so Ive backed right off. The downside of that is spending even more time alone, which doesnt help either.

I am learning but slowly not to be so hard on myself, also not easy but if you see the thread called "grace" have a read of that first post. Im trying to accept the way I feel, instead of constantly getting cross with myself because Im not doing better ( whatever that looks like).

Dont worry about posting not being upbeat, why should it be? We are all facing this sh*t just at different points and with our own unique circumstances, but we can lay it bate here because we all get it. 

And sometimes just knowing that youre not going mad helps that little bit to fell less alone. 

Tracey x

I'm feeling so low today.  I thought everything was going OK like you say but now I've just fallen down into this pit.  I feel so alone, even though I'm staying with my brother and sister in law for support.  But its been 4 months and I can't bring myself to go home.  I know I'm being silly.  I feel like I've done it all wrong, after 17 weeks I feel I should be further on.  

Im worried about people remembering Nick too.  I worry I'll forget him.  It was our anniversary on Friday,  would've been 15 years.  Noone else marked it apart from me.  Noone sent a card or a note.  Nick told my sister in law when he was diagnosed he didn't have a legacy because we couldn't have children.  It's my fault.  

Sometimes I think I should just head home get things sorted go back to work and sell the house and move somewhere noone knows me and just disappear.  Nick was everything now he's gone. 

Oh nicangel, I know how you feel when that darkness descends. I'm 19 weeks so much the same timescale. Bad day for me too, home alone with too much time to think and no incentive to do anything. The world seems to have forgotten David but I think about him all the time. 

You haven't done it wrong, there is no wrong in this, there is only what each of us can manage day by day; hour by hour if necessary. This is the hardest thing, for all of us left behind. I'm lonely on my own and even more alone with other people. The one thing we want is the thing we can't have. x

Oh nic I'm so sorry to read this. I still get `those days/weeks` even 2 &1/2 years in they're what I call my F***k It! weeks and like unwelcome visitors they leave eventually. You won't forget Nick You may not think about him sometimes but you won't ever forget him. I sometimes ` forget` now (yes seriously!) that Jay is gone but then something will happen and I will get a little jolt that he has actually gone. Maybe something that has happened on TV or something in real life and I say to myself I wish I could tell him about that and then I realise he's actually gone. No one seems to remember Jay at the beginning of course everyone talked about him and I was forever getting text messages and phone calls as happens but now it's as though I feel for most he never existed. I wanted to move house before Jay passed and it was him who said to me even in his final days why would I want to do that and I said because he wouldn't be here and even then he was the one thinking logically and said to me to think very carefully of the financial consequences would I be able afford it as our house is mortgage free paid off and if I moved I may have to rent as no way could I afford another mortgage I'm in my 60's and rent now is just as expensive as mortgages. I wish you well Nic and hope you feel better soon. Take Care.

Vicky x

Feel for you all. I lost my wife just over a week ago and can’t see me ever being happy again. I have 3 wonderful children so need to stay strong for them. I can talk to people for support but you never can have the connection you had with your partner no matter what they say. It’s going to be a long road ahead and can only hope things get better but right now that seems impossible.x

Nicangel, you are not being silly at all. There is no such thing as wrong, but Ive had those feelings too, I expect we all have at times. Give yourself the grace to be where you are, it all happens in its own time frame, and I dont think we can speed it up. 

Youve just had an anniversary, I have that yet to come, so that would have been hard. I have all those milestones coming..his birthday, our anniversary, my birthday.  Im dreading it but they will come and they will go. 

I returned to work after 3 months, it has helped to give me some routine but its hard, but I will keep at it. 

I do remember being advised not to make any big decisions in the first year and that makes sense to me.  Some people do move, but for me, no, this is our forever home, I have good neighbours, moving would mean starting all that again. But  for others I know the home holds too many memories. You will know whats right for you in time, perhaps not yet though?

Keep talking, we get it.

It's just all so hard.  I'm so scared of being on my own.  At home there's noone there, my mum died in October 2024 and now Nick in November there's noone to talk to.  So I thought the best thing to do is move closer to my brother but I'm so frightened of everything.  I don't want to lose Nick's things or damage anything.  Nick's family haven't spoken to me since before the funeral,  I worry if they turn up demanding things and I'm on my own I have no idea what I'd do.

What if my brother and family get fed up with everything and I have to go.

I feel so useless. I know this is just all panic talking but sometimes it takes ages to pass. Nick was always so calming. I miss him.

You are right. You can’t speed it up, and you can’t outrun the pain. The best gift I gave to myself was to secure our home, because I needed that time. The only reason I would have moved was financial pressure. My view was, as long as the bills were paid, the family fed, and the dog walked, that was enough. I wasn’t capable of more. 

Although I was not on my own, I felt on my own. The responsibility for everything was exhausting. Emotionally and physically, a move is a big decision. I knew that I couldn’t cope with that as well as the loss. I decided it was better if we stayed where we were. Do you have friends that could support you at home ? Your brother and family will not get fed up with you. They care about you. Sending hugs, Kate.xxx

Thanks for taking the time to reply Tracey. It’s a comfort to know I’m not alone in how I feel. People keep telling me I have the memories that I must hold onto, like it’s a bonus!! I just want him back. Funeral is Thursday.  He never wanted to know his prognosis, which was 6 weeks, I cared for him at home until the end. He kept saying what an amazing lady I am, and he just wanted to feel a bit better so we could go out again. I can’t believe how we went from cancer is stable to his gone in 6 weeks. He passed the day after my birthday and held on as long as he good. It’s so cruel what cancer did to my strong, handsome husband. I love him so much xx