Black Holes

You're right, and even with the pain of losing him I would do it all again. Not everyone has the blessing of loving someone so much, but we are suffering for it now. I guess at least those we loved aren't having to go through this. David had so much pain in the final months, now it seems it's my turn. Hugs to you all xx

I find the weekends much harder. We would go to our local pub for early doors, and then have an Indian takeaway sometimes. Or we would get on the bus and meet up with friends in the next village. The things that couples do. I miss holding his hand and wonderful hugs, and being told that he loved me. I wouldn’t change a single thing, but it is bl…dy hard to be without them. Kate.xxx

So agree. Ive often said, I was Tonys sole carer right until his last few days and Id do it again in a heart beat. We all would.

Yes its the price we pay for love. We wouldnt change it would we , but the pain is o so hard to bear

I also find weekends (and evenings) hard. Nothing to go to,  friends are understandably with their families and its so very lonely. I do have a quiz tomorrow night, even that is bittersweet as we quizzed together and he was the one in our team that knew all the random stuff.

Yes, weekends are hard, and holidays. I'm not looking forward to the easter weekend. I live by the sea and it's all couples and families then, brings it home that I'm all alone. Hopefully if the weather is ok I can lose myself in some gardening. One day at a time, as always. 

I totally understand as this is how I feel. My husband passed away 2 weeks ago from kidney cancer, he was my soul mate. We had been together for 4 years and I don’t want to do life without him. I was divorced single mum for 7 years and I’m so upset he has gone. The pain is unbearable. 

Hi there, I am sorry you are going through this terrible pain. My husband passed 19 months ago. He also had kidney cancer. There were very few symptoms, and he thought it was Long Covid. 

Morning, thank you for posting about this. I thought I was managing 'ok' but I'm starting to spiral hard into these black holes. I can't stop it and climbing out is exhausting. People had said to me two weeks ago that I was likely still in shock about my husband's death but at the time I couldn't think how it could be any more painful, that I was feeling the full hit of this bereavement but oh my god, this is another level. He died 5 weeks ago and it's just getting worse and worse. My friends don't get it, even though they try. This group talks about things in a way I completely understand. 

It's hard to follow the advice.  'look after yourself', 'be kind', but for what reason? It all feels like wasted time now. So I come out the other side of this grief after 'leaning into the pain', then what? 

I so desperately want to ask his opinion on all of this. Hear what he has to say, get his advice. What would he do? The only person that could help me through this is the cause of it all. 

This is not a supportive upbeat response I'm afraid, more an acknowledgement that this is awful. 

It is truly awful, I do sympathise, and I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Today I have just sobbed. I can't be bothered to do the things I need to do, as you say 'what for?' Who for? I'm too tired and too miserable to make the effort.

This is the only place I feel understood. Yesterday I was told to 'join a book club' and to 'get a little job'! Both by people who still have their spouses, of course. People who don't have a clue. 

Sending you a hug from someone else who has spiralled out of control today. Deb x 

Yes, it truly is. I remember feeling that my life had vapourised in front of my eyes. The realisation that they aren’t coming back is horrific. I am sure that is why our brains only let parts of the horror in at one time, otherwise we would end up nuts. Sending hugs, Kate. xxx

I went through a period of rage, at the stupidity of people and the loss. I was told that, ‘I was in a strange place’, and that ‘I could meet somebody new’. The lack of sensitivity is stunning. I ended up driving to another village to get petrol and supplies. I couldn’t trust myself not to lash out, verbally. They don’t understand, (or in some cases, care), about the level of pain we are in. Fortunately, this has now eased, and I am able to trust myself in company. Sending hugs, Kate.xxx