Black Holes

Ive just posted something similar. I don’t know the answer, but it would seem that what we are feeling is not uncommon. My garden is totally neglected, and I used to be a keen gardener. I don’t feel depressed, sad obviously, but also somehow physically exhausted. It’s hard to talk to people about it because it’s such a downer to ask what is the point of anything. I’m just hoping that over time I’ll get some enthusiasm for life back and find reasons to make decisions - at the moment I can’t decide anything.

Hi spirit, oh god yes, i have these moments all the time. They floor you, dont they? You cant just snap out of it like people sometimes suggest. I often go to bed not caring if I wake up, yes there are times when I cant be bothered.

As to coping, I just have to believe that it gets better in time because others tell me it does, and that these times become less frequent and less intense. 

I was listening to a podcast the other day and it was talking about the grieving brain. There really is a thing called a Widowed brain, ( like you can get baby brain), how your brain wiring becomes different when you lose a partner. I am finding this helpful in the sense that it isnt me going mad, as I often think.

Hi Spirit!

Oh my goodness yes I have been through all that and sometimes the `black holes` feel like `craters` where I just want to stay and not come out at all even though its just over 2 and half years after losing hubby. Yes I've done all that too if its been a lovely sunny day and I just want to stay inside and utter the `Why Bother`, Who Cares etc etc and then I get angry with myself and think that I should be outside doing something. Some days it can still take me all my time to get moving and motivated to actually leave the house. Just come here as you know when you feel like this because when as you say nobody seems to understand we all do and we all get it. Take Care. 

Vicky x

Hi Spirit, yes I have had these ‘Invisible Black Holes’ many times over the last 19 months. Lethargy, exhaustion, hopelessness. I did go the Doctor’s, and told him that I felt very low at times, and that I felt that my life was over after my husband’s death. I said the pain was horrendous at times, and I asked him if he really wanted to know what it felt like. I told him that for me, it feels like being stabbed in the heart, and then the knife is twisted. He flinched, and then said that I need to be kinder to myself. He asked me to think of something that made me happy.  I couldn’t come up with one thing. Fortunately, these ‘Black Holes’ have become much less frequent, and I do feel as though I am now seeing a consistent improvement in my quality of life. I still have hope. Kate.xxx

Did your doctor offer any help Kate? Your description is so right. Physical pain as well as emotional. A friend keeps urging me to speak to a GP but I don't really want to be given antidepressants, as I know this isn't depression, it's grief. It's a huge relief to know these episodes become less frequent. I'm only 4 months into this, so as everyone unhelpfully says it's 'early days'. Thankyou for all your wise words here xx

I was offered anti-depressants and Bereavement Counselling. I decided, like you, that I didn’t want to take them. The reason being, that in my case, if I ever came off them, I would still have to process the grief. Whether this is the right approach, I have no idea. With regards to Bereavement Counselling, I had that at 3 months via St Barnabas in a group setting. It was helpful at the time, but it seems such a long time ago, now. They did ask what I hoped to get from the sessions, My answer was quite instinctive. It was ‘To survive, and not lose myself.’ This is still the same goal, and I fight daily for that. I am a stubborn cow, and won’t give in. Kate.xxx

I'm having group counselling at the hospice where David was. I don't know if it's helping at all, last week we had to fill jars with coloured sand! 

In our group, it was choosing a pebble that held meaning to us. Then we linked hands. As my friend Cheryl would say, ‘You need to have your aura cleansed’. I did the full six weeks, and have made a new friend. That was helpful, and helped build my support network. 

Im yet to get to counselling, the hospice offer it at around 6 months so I can refer myself in. I hope it may help.

Like you both, i dont want antipressants as ive been on them before and they just turned me into a zombie. Ive been with a friend for a few days in yorkshire which has been nice, but Ill still be going home tomorrow. 

Some days I wake up and wish I hadn't . I immediately think about my Husband that I've often been dreaming about. In my dreams /often more like nightmares ,I go over the same thoughts of what happened , trying to make sense of how events played out, wishing I could have done and said things different. That black hole feels like its swallowing me up. I just can't bear to think of a future without him in it. I feel the same Spirit . when my Husband died my eldest son said you can take care of yourself . You put your Life on hold for so many years caring for Dad . I said I didn't care about myself and I still don't . I wish he was still here so I could still care for him and tell him how much i love him. And NO. only those who are grieving their lost Life partner know just how bad it hits us in mind and body too. We have lost our role as Partner and carer . 

I wish I had some advice . I've tried keeping busy to distract my mind , listened to lots of Podcasts. But whatever We do we cannot avoid this Horrendous pain and longing for them  to be back here . We have to get through it somehow . It's the price we pay for Loving them so much.