Too Soon?

Its so hard i know.  I came to stay with my brother and family and I can't yet bring myself to even go back to our house.  I just think I know i will have to but I'll need to do it slowly.  I cant even imagine clearing out the cupboards so you are one step forward.  I think the only way is bit by bit.   And I know I'll struggle to get rid of anything like you.

Maybe the cupboard was too much, start with just a shelf or a drawer?  Only do a small bit then stop.  Set a wee time limit like I tried doing some financial things and I started when a programme was on tv then stopped at the end.  It was enough.  Didn't always work though, sometimes I'd not even get started.  I guess one time is good.

Sending love, you're not alone 

Its so hard Spirit. Sometimes you feel if you get rid of something of theirs its like getting rid of a part of your past with him or erasing his memory. A lot of Jay's things were easy for me to get rid of because it was all things he had never worn and were still in wrappers he was never that fashion conscious- though I tried! and everything I bought him just piled up he was happy with a pair of jeans and a T shirt so getting rid of those were easy. It was just things I did see him in that are that bit harder. I still have a fleece jacket and a body warmer hanging in the wardrobe he used to wear all the time some of his T shirts I have been using as Pj tops because he was a big `chunky monkey` his T shirts were big and long so these do me fine. I sold most of the new stuff on Vinted and got myself a few bob. He had a Tommy Hilfiger padded winter jacket which I sold too it was about 10 sizes too big for me and was hardly worn and it was just lying there so decided to sell it on and it got snapped up for a good price. All these little things will get you its like it comes in waves still does for me. I find the weekends that bit harder to me there are no weekends now and just like when covid was here the days just seem to morph together and some days you actually forget what day it is. You will get there just take things a step at a time. Take Care. 

Vicky xx

Spirit, 

 It's hard, only you know when it will feel right. I'm 14 months and still have a lot of Sue's stuff here. I've got rid of most her clothes and books, I have kept her favourites.  I started on the dvds, I'm finding that hard as they seem to bring up more memories of watch them together.  I like these two methods.

If it makes you feel sick don't do it.

Put them in another room, you don't use for a couple of weeks and see if you miss them.

The decision is yours on how you feel. There is no rush, it's your journey. 

Take care. 

That’s a great way to do it. 
Anything I find to hard to part with I put in his bedside drawer. 
It’s rather full! 

I managed to dispose of his toothbrush only a couple of weeks ago. 16 months in.  
His soup maker has been in and out the kitchen cupboard more times than it did when he used it

When we got the terminal bombshell my beautiful Valen went through his own clothes and shoes and books etc and arranged for a local charity to come and collect them. 
I did it with him and only broke down when he wanted to chuck his holiday sandals. 
I begged him to keep them in the desperate delusional hope that he would get to wear them again. Even though his 3 to 6 month timeline would have got him to February. 
He capitulated and we both cried holding a hand each and a sandal each. A strange sad / happy memory. 

I literally have worn his slippers out. Put them in the bin. Got them back out again and they are on the floor his side of the bed. 
I wear his jackets, jumpers and t,shirts.

It’s strange how some things are easy to dispose of and others cause panic attacks just thinking about it.

Well, over these 16 months the charity shops have had odd mixed bags of chargers, clothes, cables and plugs galore. 
I have a drawer, a cupboard and wardrobe of his items which I go to and sob into. 

End of August will soon be here and that will mark the second anniversary of a Glioblastoma multiforme grade IV taking my beloved wife Karin from me. Every day I spend alot of time crying. I've been able to dispose of her many (mostly unread) books and most of her CDs. A few articles of clothing were taken by her friend and her sister but the rest remain where she left them in her side of the wardrobe. Her half of our 200cm x 200cm double air bed are also untouched - left exactly as when the ambulance team too her to the hospital. Nothing has changed  - the furniture her special recliner, the kitchen, bathrooms etc. everything is just as it was then. I am very much alone - she was my everything - I wish I had told her more often how very much I loved her. My doctor suggested early on that I write to her every day about what I'm doing - I'm on page 86 in my Word document - and speak to her photographs. I pray every evening that God will bring us together as soon as a reunion will fit into His schedule. I am so grateful that I found this forum. Thank you and huge hugs to each and everyone of you.

The 4th August will mark the second year since my darling Paul died. How is it possible that it can be that long ? It still feels at times that it was 5 minutes ago, but I know it is not. I miss him terribly, and have to work very hard to find the will to carry on. I am sure your Karin knew that you loved her. When we are trying to care for our partners, we are under extreme emotional and physical stress. It is bloody exhausting. I know that I did the best I could. I gave everything, as I know you did, too. I also speak to Paul every day. Sending hugs. Kate.xxx

Thank you for your support.

Hi spirit, if there is one thing I am learning, its that if you cant manage it, then its too soon. At least thats what Im finding. I have to trust my instincts that I will know when the right time is. Clothes, tools, shed, nothing has gone because Im not ready ( 6months). You will manage small things when you are ready to. Trust yourself to know when that is. 

I hope you are feeling a bit better today x

Thankyou, I think you are right.Today was my last counselling, it hasn't helped much but I feel bereft that it's finished, and more on my own than ever. I'm struggling with the responsibility of everything in the house, having to make decisions on my own. It's too much on top.of the grief. This is very very hard, isn't it? In every way. 

Oh yes, i find myself still saying its sh*t quite a lot. Im yet to access counselling, i hope it helps when I do get it, i dont know how long I will have to wait. Yes house is a huge responsibility, Tony used to pretty much do everuthing so Im at a loss feeling useless that Im always having to get someone in or ask a helpful neighbour.