Grace

Sometimes, it is just bl..dy horrific. I have got a new shredder, to help with clearing old paperwork from my darling’s study. Every single piece of paperwork needs checking, to either keep or go. He had folders from 25 years back. Cards from our children, photos of us all together, old wage slips, notes from me. I knew it was there, but thought it might have got easier. It hasn’t. He was very OCD, and kept all of it. I managed half an hour before the tears started. I just can’t bear to do any more. The pain is too much. Kate.xxx

We did all that last year. My Husband was very efficient with his paperwork. Had it all filed away nicely. He liked everything in it's place , I'm afraid I'm the opposite . And it did drive him mad . He still had all his medical paperwork from scans , and consultant visits over the 45 + years about 2 inches thick all concerning a back injury he got from an accident at work. No surgeon would touch him. He suffered chronic pain from that alone . So all that got put in the wood burner along with old  Bank statements etc. It is horrible getting rid of their things . You feel like you are erasing their memory . I had to take his good clothes to the charity shop, some things he had never worn. There is still a lot of fishing tackle I really need to give away. Has everyone kept a photo out of their Husband . I can't bear to. I have one in a drawer that I come across occasionally. I can still see his face in my mind every day. My friend says I should have his photo out ,but it just upsets me too much . Am I strange ?

Have you seen how much the retreats cost that Karen arranges ? Over £1,000 for a few days . My income won't allow for that. And I don't think i could cope being with  a big group of people either . 

No, you are not strange. You must do what is right for you. It doesn’t matter what other people think. They haven’t been through what we have. You are right, about it feeling as though you are erasing their memory. He loved his study, it was his space and all of his special memories were there. Some things I am keeping, as I can’t bear to let them go. 

Yes i looked but was quickly put off, I dont have those sort of funds. And I dont do big groups.

Kate is right, you have to do you, there is no rule book. I havent got rid of anything yet, no paperwirk or clothes or anything in his messy shed come workshop. Im not ready yet and there is no rush, it will happen in its own time.

nothing is strange because nothing is normal. I like having photos, I wish I had more as he didnt really like having his photos taken. And in a lot of photos taken in the last year, you can see how poorly he was. I wish I had more of his voice on video, i fear I already forgetting. I have a couple of him showing me how to do things like turning the water off. I listened to it yesterday just to hear him speak again. 

The last thing I let go was his car, and I know I'm not ready to tackle anything else. I don't want to turn 'our' home into just mine, I like having his things around me. I have photos out, but find it hard to look at them and accept he isn't here any more.

Life feels like a kind of pretence much of the time, I don't feel like me. I suppose I'm only half the person I used to be. There's no genuine pleasure in anything, no joy. My grief counsellor says the joy is like a dimmer switch and it's been turned right down, but gradually it will increase. I don't think I can quite believe that yet, but it's a glimmer of hope in what is often a very dark place.

I like your phrase “nothing is strange as nothing is normal”. 
That entirely sums it up.

My beautiful Valen had started to bag up his own clothes and collection of shoes once he knew he only had a few months. That was heartbreaking. I cried as we went through stuff. 
I got really upset at one point and begged him to keep his sandals, just in case he made it to the warmer weather (he was taken September 2024). He said he knew he wouldn’t but did put them back. He arranged for a charity to come and collect the 8 bin bags he filled. 
They came the week after he went. 
So there wasn’t / isn’t a huge amount left. 
I did have a manic sort through about 4 months after, but there is still 2 drawers that I just can’t let go. 
I only moved his toothbrush out of the bathroom last month. I get panic attacks when I attempt to move his “sloomy” clothes off the bedroom window ledge or his flannel. 

I have videos on my phone of him showing me how to change the batteries on the Tado and Blink, how to use the lawnmower and how to cook his favourite curry. 
But I can’t bear to watch as it’s now so obvious how close to the end he was. And his voice is a mere rasp with that awful laboured breathing. But I will never delete them even if I never watch them again. 
My sister I law did watch the one of him showing me the radiator gadget and asked if it was the radiator making all that noise. I said No, it’s his breathing. She was horrified.

I have pictures of him everywhere. His big beautiful smile. I have a montage of him with my siblings, mum and siblings dogs.
Sometimes they make me smile. Sometimes they make me cry. Often the same picture and at the same time.

I agree with not turning our home into just my home. 
I have made changes. Some which we were going to do anyway, like a dining table and chairs, making the garden shed into a garden room.
Some we were in the process of - changing his work from home office into a craft room, which I have completed. Though I have kept his office chair and filing cabinet. 
Some entirely on me - moving furniture around, a new sofa will be coming soon, new rugs.

I sometimes walk around and ask myself - if he walked through the door right now would he recognise the place? Would he approve? And the answer to both is yes, he would.

Im also conscious that I don’t want our home to become a shrine to him. 
He would totally hate that.
So most of the photos I have out of him are him with other people or pets. 
I do have his casket on a stand, with a photo I change once in a while and with some fake sunflowers (his favourite), a couple of robins and his memory box. I bring him into the bedroom every night with me. I tried to leave him in the conservatory one night, but had such a meltdown that I won’t try that again!

I am having one of those nights. No sleep, just sobs. It will pass. 

I’ve been in and out of bed like a yo-yo tonight. 
Made my first attempt at midnight as actually felt sleepy, rather than come to bed due to the time. 
Back up half an hour later. Tried again at 2. Back up. Now just sitting up in bed listening to podcasts.  
Im lucky I don’t work so doesn’t matter what time I do get to sleep. 
They only effect on nights like this is that the next day I don’t trust myself to drive. 
A couple of close friends and my sister know this. It’s become almost a code between us. 
They ask “Did you drive here?” and if I say No, they understand it’s been a rough night.

I’ll be up again in a minute as my hot water bottle needs reheating