Grace

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Saw this today and felt I needed to hear this, actually made me cry, so sharing for anyone who needs to hear this too...

You need to give yourself more grace.

I know you're being hard on yourself. I know you're judging every breakdown, every canceled plan, every moment you're "not handling it well."

I know you're comparing yourself to who you were before. And you're disappointed that you're not that person anymore.

But you need to stop.

Because what you're going through requires grace. So much grace.
Grace for the days you can't get out of bed. Grace for the times you snap at people who don't deserve it. Grace for forgetting things, for being late, for not following through.

Grace for crying in public. For avoiding places that remind you of them. For not being able to handle things you used to handle easily.

Grace for the fact that some days, just surviving is all you can manage.

You're carrying an impossible weight. You're living through the worst thing that's ever happened to you. You're trying to function in a world that doesn't make sense anymore.

And you're doing it. Badly, maybe. Messily, definitely. But you're doing it.

That deserves grace.

You wouldn't expect someone with a broken leg to run a marathon. You wouldn't judge someone recovering from surgery for needing time to heal.

So why are you judging yourself for struggling with grief?
Grief is an injury. A deep, devastating wound that doesn't heal on anyone else's timeline. And you need to treat yourself like someone who's been hurt.

With gentleness. With patience. With grace.

Stop holding yourself to impossible standards. Stop comparing grief-you to before-you. Stop expecting yourself to function like you did when your world was intact.

You're not the same. And that's okay.

Give yourself permission to be different. To be struggling. To be a work in progress.

Give yourself permission to not be okay.

And when you mess up—when you cancel plans, when you forget things, when you can't handle what you used to handle—give yourself grace.

Not because you're weak. Not because you're failing.
But because you're human. And you're grieving. And that's hard enough without adding self-judgment on top of it.

So be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself. Be gentle with yourself.

Give yourself the grace you'd give anyone else going through what you're going through.

You deserve it.

Even on the days you don't feel like you do.
Especially on those days.

Written by: Aimee Suyko - In Their Footsteps

#loss #death #grief #grieving #griefsupport #griefjourney

  • I hope so too. I've cleaned the greenhouse and started to weed the beds but I have little energy. I'm also waiting for a new knee so I can't kneel or bend easily, not great for someone who likes gardening!

    I get the lawns cut ever since Tony couldny any more. I learned to love my moss in my lawn and even the weeds so I've given up re seeding it.

    It is calming until I get to the things I can't do that he would have then I end up sobbing.

  • I get that , this grief is exhausting. We don't sleep well. We are anxious . and all the crying takes it's toll. I think many of us were already shattered before we actually lost them , Caring for them ,getting up in the night with broken sleep, and also we will have gone through Anticipatory grief. It's all been draining on our system. I know I was trying to juggle everything , trying to sell the house ,packing , doing all the normal stuff like shopping and cooking. +walking 4 dogs as well as caring for my Husband . And besides that a friend had lost her Husband t Multi -neurone disease ,and I was supporting her helping her move house . Never imagining that my loss was just months away. So I can imagine everyone else had a lot going on. And the worry about our Husbands poor health is heavy. Is it any wonder we all feel really Shite ?  Anyway it sounds like you have done quite a lot in the garden already Malengwa. And you need to be careful not to over do it with your bad knee. And the things we used to do with and for our loved one always brings on the tears. I can't cook a meal without crying. Can't you get a gardener to do the jobs you are unable to do just now ? Hopefully you will get a date for your knee op. soon. x

  • Getting a gardener is like gold dust round here, but my step grandaughter and boyfriend are coming over Easter so hope they will help me. 

  • Another one here who finds pottering about the garden is calming. 
    Though I have twice now been and got new bedding plants, felt peaceful planting them. 
    Then in fits of sheet anger ripped them out and shredded them in my hands. 
    And then felt a numpty for doing so! 
    Just the week before my beautiful Valen was ripped from me we had a new raised bedding border made, potentially for veggies. 
    He never saw it planted. No veggies in it, shrubs and flowers. A jasmine, honeysuckle, wisteria and a rose tree my old work got me.

    I thought I had killed (or at least the frost had) a Fuschia tree. I was devastated. 
    It was the last plant he purchased. Just 2 weeks before he was taken . 
    We had gone to Helmingham Hall plant sale with a friend which we do every year (couldn’t face it this year). After 10 minutes walking slowly round he got breathless and said he would just sit quietly and listen to a band playing. 
    I got really tearful but my friend walked with me and we got a couple of plants. 
    When we got back to my beautiful Valen he had got this Fuschia tree.

    Anyway, yesterday I noticed some new buds on it. So my darlings tree is ok. 
    I’ve been weeding, hoeing, sowing wild flower seeds, pruning, planning, dodging some massive bumble bees and talking to the ants, asking their advice on where to place the violas. 
    And crying as I do all the above at another spring where he isn’t seeing the daffs and snowdrops or commenting on my efforts.

  • Well you've been very busy. I get that where anger makes us ruin things .  we try to still keep going , doing the chores and yet still crying. But we need that release of the pain we are feeling .I keep thinking I ought to buy a punch bag/ball to get the anger out of my body. I've smash a few things indoors . I never expected to feel such anger after losing someone close. Although I knew my Husband was very ill , I didn't expect him to die and leave me . I'm so angry that I didn't do enough , that we didn't tell each other how much we loved one another. Angry that he didn't tell me how bad he felt ,although I could see he wasn't well , though had so much going on with various other bad health problems. I'm angry that he neglected his health . I had tried my best to stop him smoking, keep to a good diet ,stop doing things that were bad for him. etc He had eventually stopped smoking about 16 years ago , but the damage had already been done. He was Asthmatic from a young child , Why didn't he have the sense not to smoke ? Ok he managed to live until he was 70 . But he had been so ill for such a long time . I still feel I let him go ..that he could still be here with me and that it's my fault he's not. How do I stop these feelings of guilt.?  I'm sorry for going on..I sometimes think .Is it all about me ? I've never been a selfish person, but I feel I am now . This grief is all consuming  and I hate being so miserable . I hope nobody on here feels as bad as I do. Well it's another sunny day . we need to get out and feel the benefits as it won't last. 

  • Have you read any books about grief? I've found a lot of help and comfort in reading, a good one is Grief Works by Julia Samuel also Grief, Hope in the Aftermath by Gary Sturgis. These are people who write from the heart and have great understanding of how we all are feeling. 

  • Breton, its ok to get it out so you can say what you feel safely here.

    I think the notion of feeling selfish is so alien to many of us, when we have been carers and then lost our very souls. But we do need to focus on ourselves, something Im learning but slowly. For its just us now, who will care for us if we dont care for ourselves?

    I think we all feel that bad a lot of the time. I did manage an hour in the garden, which was lovely but I see so many things that I cant do and I sat on the swing and sobbed. Now im exgausted and my knee hirts so thats it for today. 

    At least I tried...

  • Yes, you achieved something. I hope your knee feels better today. Well the good weather seems to have passed now. It's dull and cold here today. So no gardening today. I should be going through boxes and trying to do a bit of de-cluttering ,but not feeling at all motivated . Lots of things I should be doing . I've avoided them the last few days because I wanted to be outside in the sun. Sat weeding yesterday afternoon after planting a tree that's been waiting a week until I decided where to put it. I don't want to sit and ruminate. I really don't know what I want to do. I know what I would liked to have done if things were different ...But I can't change that . I have cried every day since my loss. I wonder if I will ever stop. Sorry I can't give anyone something positive . 

  • I have so many rom/com books I intended reading ,but now can't . I have listened to Julia Samuel on Podcasts and found her to be very empathetic. I also listen to Karen Sutton . The Widow coach. She's good as well. I find it easier to listen that read. I have no counsellor now and not sure where to go from here. I only go to Yoga once a week with my Sister . Another new Lady opened up about losing her Husband to Leukamia last week. He died just after Xmas day. When I told her my Husband had died as well last May  , then I broke down . It was so embarrassing . Only my Sister knew before . I wished I hadn't mentioned my loss. She held it together , but then she might still be feeling a bit numb . We are going to get together sometime to try support each other . My sister is away for the next 2 weeks , I'm not sure if I will feel up to going by myself . 

  • I get karen Suttons weekly update and find them heloful sometimes. Dont be embarrassed by getting upset, others will understand, Ive lost count how many melt downs Ive had in public. But youve met someone else now who gets it and you can be honest with without feeling that youre going slightly mad. Im yet to find that person. Do try and meet up.

    If its your type of things, ther is Wayup, a group just for widowed. They do meet ups, sadly none in my area but there may be something in yours.they do zoom neets too and Ive been to a few of those.

    Ive also taken the plunge to join the Jolly dollies, terrible name,(( sounds like a dance troup) but its crwated by widows for widiws. I dont know how good my local branch is but you can see if there is one in your area. It does cost £20  so I did ummmm and arrr but then thought Id give it a go because maybe they do things in my area.

    I have cried every day too, as have others here, I cried every day at the endvof his life too. I have to believe that it will imprive in time becayse people who have been here tell me so, and I think But what if it doesnt?

    We are all muddling through this hello and remember the title, give ourselves grace. X