So sick and tired of this

I hear you MrsVT. 

I hate that word `palliative` I just could not take that in either when the team two lovely nurses at the hospital just doing their job but unfortunately I couldn't see it at that time and found them very cold in their approach as if it was just another routine day  for them which in a sense was, but they have as you say shattered your hopes and dreams for the future. I went into to denial mode and refused to believe it was happening and just kept asking if anything else could be done and suggesting other treatments  but their answer was `no` and that he was too far gone for anything else and it was now just the `P` word. I've had my `F` months for the year I think- I hope June/July the time between him passing and his funeral. Thinking of you at this time hope it's not too painful. Take Care.  

Vicky x

Well, I’ve been bold in another way. 
The boiler is having its annual service next week. 
Right under it was my beautiful Valen’s radiotherapy mask which I have not been able to touch let alone move. But now it must be. 
So when our friend came over to help me harvest some of the pears from our tree (I had got 3 steps up the ladder and thought “this isn’t a good idea on my own!”) I took a deep breath and asked her if she would be comfortable moving it to the other end of the garage for me. 
She did. Then came back and asked if I would like her to get rid of it for me. Which I said with huge relief “Yes please”. 
I have no idea what she did with it and don’t want to know.

That to me shows true friendship and love.

Hi Chris, I think you are incredibly brave in telling us about your darling, Anne. It sounds absolutely horrific, and no wonder you have deep trauma. The one thing cancer cannot do is, “Take away your love for each other”. That love is deep in your heart and soul, and it will always be there. I have also found that by writing about my own experiences on this forum, helps. As we know, when we do this, we are re-living the horror. However, it also in a strange way, is a healing process. We can be with others who truly understand. It matters. Kate. Xxx

Last night became quite dark early on, today is wet n wild n windy down south it’s miserable and so am I it almost autumnal here today. 
I’m resting on the bed for the afternoon will get up later when it’s stopped raining to go for a walk. Even if If it doesn’t I need to get out.  
Was wide awake again in the early hours for a couple of hours my sleep is still all messed up. 

Lots of apples on my apple tree that I have neglected totally so I earlier I decided to make a Saturday cake a Dorset apple cake just looking through my saved recipes made me sad. All our favourite meals and cakes that we would enjoy together. I will freeze most of it again as I won’t eat it all!  

Im finding it difficult even looking at photos at the moment it just hurts too much!!  I think its going to be a long night ahead I can’t even go and lay in the bath to relax as we took it out last year to make things easier. 

Determined to go out I did got wet and need to waterproof my winter coat. But hood was up tears came it didn’t matter in the rain. Just feel a bit tense and teary today and got my deep breathing going on that I hope will ease soon despite me doing all the breathing exercises. Breathe in hold breathe out !

What is are you all up to this evening??? 

I fancied doing a roast today. It is probably down to the change in weather. Roast chicken, spuds, carrots, peas and a lovely gravy made from the juices. The chicken is done, and is cooling. I can get six portions of chicken and scrapes for our border collie, Jack. I am making progress on the Autumn deadline to get those minor DIY jobs done. Leaky tap in the garage is replaced. Next will be window catches. I have managed to find a decent handyman locally, who isn’t charging the earth. I am doing jobs myself, too. It gives me something else to focus on, when it all crowds in. Sending hugs, Kate. Xxx

Listening to some music. I was going to try and watch a film, but to tired. 

 Earlier this week a Mission song came up on my i-pod.  I have listened to them since Sue went. This one triggered a memory of a gig in Leeds. Sue to me looked stunning, just the right goth look. She was throwing shapes and hugging when a certain song was played. I got upset because I could not remember if I told her how beautiful she looked. I know I would have. 

 Take care

Mmm I really missed our Sunday roasts ..im getting close though I picked up a small joint of reduced belly pork hesitated but got it and it’s in the freezer.  My husband’s Sunday joints were fab I did all all the other prep he just bought it all together and made the most gorgeous crackling!  ….

I’ve started again sniffing enjoy your supper it sounds delicious. X

The pain our loved ones went through with their suffering and mine never really moaned much until towards the end and the change in him then he became a different person and I’m sat here not in physical pain just emotional pain and heartbreak I need to stop this !  He was so brave and I’m sat here having another crazy night like a lot of us are right now!  I know he would tell me to sort myself out and stop being so stupid.  But he would be here to hug me too …x 

Yes, you would have. Us women like to be told if we look attractive.