So sick and tired of this

I do hate the “Death Consultant’s”. The power they have. They give us hope, then destroy us. I know that is not fair, as they only deal with the “Facts”. One of my very, very worse moments is when we were told he had two to three weeks. (It was ten days in the end). He was emaciated, and looked like a concentration camp victim . My darling said, “But you told me I had two to three month’s.) to the Consultant. He was like a trusting little boy. I literally kneeled on the floor of the Consultant’s room, and hugged my darling. The Consultant said, “Oh, I haven’t seen that before”. I thought to myself, “You have never experienced the love that we have then, have you “. I did not care what he thought about me. I know I gave everything I had, as I know you did, too. An F month sounds like a good idea. You get to decide. Take care,  Kate. Xxx 

Thank you Kate. 
Im sure they know those time spans we are told, those very common 3 to 6 weeks / months, are not the truth. Giving false hope in an attempt to ease the impact of their words of a death sentence. 
So many of us on here were told these date and our loves were taken in less than half that time. Many within weeks. 
My beautiful Valen got 1 day short of 4 weeks. 
4 weeks of increasingly despairing of the medical professionals who let him down on a daily basis. 
Every day telling us we would get a chemo start date “hopefully tomorrow”. Each of those 3 Fridays at 5pm knowing another weekend without news. 
Watching the light of hope fade, never a big spark as we knew he hadn’t long and chemo was just to hold back the gradual closing of his throat.

Yes I know they have a pretty rotten job telling so many people such godawful news. 
But when asked “how long without chemo?” They should tell us the truth to let us prepare.

My F month has started with wine and chocolate fudge cake with ice cream x

I dont like it when people who have not got an inkling of what we are going through say I am strong / brave / doing great. 
The people on here do know and appreciate it when we are being strong, surviving. 

I had an “acquaintance”, no longer as good a friend as I thought, ask “Are you getting used to being able to do what you want, when you want?”.  

I just looked at here full in the eyes for a few seconds then turned my back on her and walked away.

That's one of the really terrible things, knowing it has happened, reliving it yet not believing it. It is a cruel torture. Thank goodness we have eachother here. Lots of love. Xxx

Some folk try. Some really don't have even the slightest inkling.  

You know we are here for you MrsVT. 

Wow, that is on another level. 

Unbelievable. 

I dont know who to respond to here, MrsVT, Clazz, Toosoon, PattyK, InsanityKate so many ringing so true - but I thought I would respond to Clazz with the picture. Somehow it seems appropriate - tiny lights in the darkness, all interconnected. 

So many of us suffering in the darkness. Thinking we are alone, but interconnected by an indescribable grief that no-one else can understand.

It is now just under 12 months since my Anne, my best friend, my lover, my wife, my soulmate was taken from me. 

I can identify with so many of you. Over the last month or two of her life I was told by the consultants that I was providing better care at home than she would get in hospital. My God, it was so very hard. Our local hospice were desperate to get her in, but had no space.

So I cared for her, listening to her screams, her cries. Towards the end, giving meds and taking her stats every 15 minutes, calling them through to the palliative care line every hour. Our GP has done the calculations and worked out that I had a total of 4 hours sleep in 5-10 min bursts over her last 8 days.. living on 20-30 double espressos a day, nothing else. That was GP visits twice a day, district nurses every day, hospice at home every day, paramedics overnight every night.

On Friday a place was found at the hospice, and an ambulance arranged to take her there. Consultants said she would be in for a few days for symptom control and pain management. End of Life was coming, but not for another 3-4 months. Tragically, the cancer was more aggressive than anyone knew, and she passed away 8 hours later from a massive haemorrhage.

I basically fell apart. Somehow I managed to get through the funeral arrangements etc, Family Christmas. Then "dead" in January. Samaritans saved my life a couple of times in Jan/Feb - PLEASE, if you feel you cant go on, CALL THEM, day or night (tel no 116 123) - they do not judge, they listen, understand and help. They saved my life more than once.

2 months ago I was referred to the psychiatric department at our local hospital - I have now been diagnosed with Complex Grief, Traumatic Bereavement and PTSD, recommended for Bereavement Counselling, specialist Trauma counselling and PTSD therapy. Not sure when any of these will happen due to waiting lists, but my brilliant GP is seeing me every couple of weeks, alternating with the surgery mental health nurse.

Please, If you are suffering, as I guess you all are (otherwise you wouldn't be here), talk to your GP, contact CRUSE ( cruse.org.uk , call 0808 808 1677 office hours), if you are desperate ( as I have been), call the Samaritans on 116 123 24*7 from anywhere in the UK. 

I am slowly getting better. It does get better. The flashbacks are less frequent. Are less intense. The screaming nightmares are less frequent. 

It is not "easy". I still cry every day, cry myself to sleep every night.

I think the difference is that I am very slowly moving from "Trauma" to "Grief". 

Grief for what I have lost. Memories of a love that will never, can never be matched.

My God, I miss you my Love, more than I thought possible.

I have to believe...........(from I am not Okay by Home Free)

I Know, I cant be the only one

Who's holding on for dear life

But God Knows, I know

When Its all said and done, I'm not Okay,

But I'm not the only one

But we're all gonna be alright

Love, hugs and best wishes to you all

Chris

Oh Chris, (as well as you other people describing such harrowing experiences) my heart goes out to you. We are all here, we are all connected. We loved and looked after our loved ones. Being here in this community is not a scenario I would ever have envisaged, but here we are. And thank goodness we can all talk to eachother to reinforce the fact that we are not alone, and to comfort ourselves that we here truly understand. Love to you all.