So sick and tired of this

I know it is incredibly difficult to go through this pain. Unfortunately, we don’t have control over our emotions. It has shocked me over the past year, how physically and mentally intense the grief can be. The waves can be overwhelming, but at other times more gentle. We are just trying to make sense of it all, and can’t. Today, has been reasonable. Although, I did have a moment where I just laid on the bed and cried. That has passed for now, and I am going to do the gravy. You are not alone. Sending hugs, Kate. Xxx

Toosoon, please don't call yourself stupid, you are not. Grief is a mental pain, it's our brain, trying to protect us from this. Somedays you might be like I can do this then bang a trigger, and you have spent half hour zoned out looking out of a window.

So please don't call yourself stupid. Beating ourselves up doesn't work.  

What's a Dorset apple cake ? Please don't say a apple cake made in Dorset. 

Thank you I suppose it comes back to ‘the don’t be too hard on yourself,’  I do beat myself up without realising I’m doing it until it’s mentioned and if the rain stops tomorrow I’ll attack a few tennis balls again instead. 
Dorset apple made me smile so that’s good it’s an apple cake sorry ! A BBC recipe ed kimber quite simple .. Accompanied with the last bit of clotted cream from my birthday bits im using up and on that note the cards have just come down not that I got many. 

 I have a lot to say on my counselling session Monday but in the meantime thank you everyone I’m feeling a little better now must have been the cake .

I have spent all day and just got home through the wind and rain from my mums.

Silly love was weeding yesterday - despite my sister and I doing lots and she has a gardener, and fell over in the gravel. 
Poor dear has hurt her hip badly - not broken according to 111 and GP, but she can’t weight bear on it. So using her stroller to get from chair to loo with painful shuffle. 
She’s perfectly fine and pain free sitting down or lying down, it’s just as soon as she tries to stand or walk she is yelling in pain. If she’s the same in the morning sister and I getting her to hospital.
So I have been repaying all those years of her looking after us kids with happily looking after her. 

It’s strange, getting her ready for bed, cooking tasty little treats, jumping up to help her and settle her, cooing over her, stroking her arm to soothe her.
Just last year I was doing the exact same for my beautiful Valen. 

Feeling mentally, physically and emotionally drained right now. 
Fireball whiskey liqueur and fistful of Celebrations to help me sleep.

Your poor mum, I think you mentioned before that she is quite elderly. Hopefully, she will get some rest tonight. 

Oh MrsVT, my heart goes out to you. that brings back memories of my Anne. Please, please get her to A&E in the morning if still bad, forget remote diagnosis from 111 and GP. From experience, I would suggest that she needs XRay / MRI/CT scan to confirm that she is OK, but any fall for an elderly person needs to be checked (elderly Dad falling two years ago and suffering terribly). Hopefully  nothing, but better to be certain. Wishing you all the very best.

Must be awful, bringing back horrific memories. Please let us know how things go?

Thank you, and Kate.

Shes 90 in November and very independent. 
Ironically when she called me in tears saying she’d had the fall, my sister and I were viewing a warden controlled retirement flat for her on the quiet. 
When she said that she thought she might be ready to look at flats we admitted what we were doing and she was glad.
It’s hateful to see your parent crying in pain. 

And it’s times like this that you feel your loss so very extra badly. 
I miss my beautiful Valen hugging me while I cry. Holding me now in bed telling me it will be alright. Kissing away my tears. 
He would have everything already in place and organised for getting us to hospital. 
And he would have already got a list of trades for the few things needed doing at the flat. 
 
And as I said. Doing these little things like adjusting the cushions behind her to make her comfy, putting the glass of water in reach….each thing I do for her brings back images of doing them with and for my Valen. 
I miss him so dreadfully. I can’t believe it’s almost a year.

MrsVT,  I hope you and your mum are going to be OK. 

I have used SHOUT before also Toosoon. They are very good. I used them when I was at my darkest when Jay was going through his treatment and then when going through his last days. They are good and non judgemental and just let you talk away on your terms. If I remember they let you remain anonymous or if after a while once into the talk if you want to you can give your name etc. 

I'm slowly beginning to get rid of some of Jay's gadgets too. Cooking was his passion and in one of our cupboards we had a food processor in a box consisting of a blender and other tools that go with it. He used to use this regularly to make up his `culinary delights` and then once done he would clean it all and put all back in the box and put it away. No good for me now though being on my own so I took the bold step and got rid of it as it was just lying there collecting dust and apologised to his photo while doing so. It was a very old mixer we had it for years but it still worked and did him for what he wanted to do so I said to myself this I don't think would be any good to put into a charity shop or to sell trying to sell electrical items can be funny as they would need testing to make sure the plugs etc are ok so I just took it down to the local council recycling plant. A few other things have gone now too as I think I have said before he was someone who just liked to buy things gadgets which seemed a good idea at the time and would then get thrown in a drawer when the novelty had worn off. Think it was just a man thing. 

xx