So sick and tired of this

Hi Clazzz. It's been 18 weeks since I lost the love of my life and it doesn't seem that life has moved on at all. I relive that day over and over again in my head. People say to me you are so strong. I'm not just trying to get through each day. Night time I find is the worst. The TV will probably stay on until at least 1am, and then it will all start again tomorrow.

Big hugs Sue xxx

Thank you Sue- for your understanding and hugs. Yes that's exactly it - it will all start again tomorrow.  It's a horrid torture. Behind each little keyboard/screen in this space is a real hurting person and in that  sense we are not alone. This helps, because in the "real world" I feel so alone.  X

You are definitely not alone. There is always someone on here that will give you support.i have found that over the last couple of weeks I'm not crying every day, I'm still broken but I am learning to to live with the new normal. You will too, it's a long road we're on but hopefully in the future life will get more bearable. One day at a time x

Sue 

I know you are right. And hopefully our minds have some magical way of getting us through it. I've just imagined us all here being like little lights, all on our own but  connected through this terrible experience  and understanding.  I had anticipated what it would be like, imagined it over and over. But none of that ever truly prepared me. I do find comfort that we are here to listen and talk. Thank goodness! X

The loss of our husbands/wife or partner is a massive loss and as a result means a massive change to our daily life. Our life as it was has gone too. I’m not ready to accept yet but I am realising and having to slowly adjust to life on my own. I hate it - That’s why I’m on here now wide awake drinking a cuppa! I went walking this morning took a different route by the river and sat on a lovely carved wooden bench but I made a phone call as it was quite a peaceful quiet area and ended up crying again!  Waited till my tears had gone and walked home.

It is mentally and physically exhausting - I hope you have been offered some help by now in the form of grief counselling if they do offer it accept it.  I’m not having my call till next week I have started making a list in my little book that I need to talk to her about and want help with as you have 50 mins to make it work for you. I want help to get through this I think mostly but then some days I don’t really care and my attitude change's and my mood and feel why am I bothering But you and I have reached out on here along with so many other folk and this has helped so much.  I do also worry though what will happen when those calls finish who will be there to support me. 

15 weeks for me and if I look back at my original posts on here I know I have come on a little, I’ve been a bit crazy too along the way.  We used to make all our decisions together now we have no one close to do that with it’s scary and daunting and can be dangerous 
You’re right though we are in our own little world. 
I needed a little more help felt pretty bad the other day and found SHOUT it is a text service free to most networks they believe it or not helped me at that time. It Didn’t and won’t sort the real issue like bring our loved ones back but listened and tried to help me and calm me. 
Then we wake up and go through it all again…
 

I call it “Groundhog Day”. It is the first thing you think of every morning, and last thing at night. It is horrible. I also got the, “You are so, so strong.”, and “I can’t believe how you are doing it”. Well, actually, it is called survival. If I didn’t continue to fight, then I might as well give up. That doesn’t mean that I don’t allow myself to sob for hours. I have also learnt that you cannot outrun the pain by staying busy. For me, it just made it worse. Repressed grief is not good. As you know, I am now into my 13th month, and there have been some things that are easier. There are longer periods of time between the “Grief Attacks”. Sometimes, three days in a row. it is not as hard going to bed now, as I have made some changes to our bedroom. I use a pillow spray with lavender, camomile, etc. That helps me drop off. I am slowly exploring new hobbies, Tai Chi session this week. If it all gets too much, I have a “F… It Day, and disappear under the quilt. Sending hugs to all, Kate. Xxx

Hi Clazzz!

You vent away my dear it's what these forums are for. Reading your post I can identify with it. I can't tell you when and if things will get better I wish I could, but we all grieve at different levels. For me two years in it feels as though I have moved forwards be it very slightly, and yes sometimes it doesn't matter how much you try to get `involved` in things there can still be that `empty` feeling and I get the feeling you said of being a freak and not belonging anywhere anymore I still feel like that especially where you were part of a couple or a group of couples you just don't know where you fit in anymore.  I still feel it I still have my good days where I could take on the world and then there are days/weeks where I just want to hide away and yes at times it does feel that it takes so much energy some days just to get out of bed so what you are feeling now is more or less normal and I'm sure like myself most of us have been there. Yes early days for you so everything will be feeling very raw still. I just go with my bad days now because like unwelcome visitors they eventually leave and then I try to continue to move forwards. So much has happened I wish he was here to see and to share with but he's not but just hope wherever he is he does see. Just keep coming here when you feel you need to it's a lifeline for all of us on this horrible journey. Take Care. 

Vicky xx

Thank you x

Thank you x

I’m having one of those F days. 

A year ago today we were asked to come to the hospital 2 hours before we were due for my beautiful Valen’s biopsy.  
He had had a scan the week before after his lymph nurse had said she was not happy about the lymph not shifting that we were already anxious about. 3 days later he had seen the consultant who was “concerned” about it and arranged the urgent scan and biopsy. 

So a year ago today his consultant shattered, destroyed our amazing, wonderful life with the words “I’m so sorry, your cancer has returned. And it’s has spread very quickly to your liver, neck, spine and bones” Then the even worse words “Any treatment will be palliative only”. 
Then the unreal sentence “Start chemo straight away, you will hopefully get 3 to 6 months”.

We have all been there, with varying degrees of time spans. Varying ways of being told both our lives were over. Varying ways of going forward.  

There have been so many firsts, markers, points.  
I just cannot get my head around, cannot and do not believe my darling Valen has gone. 
I know that from today till the 26th next month I will be reliving every day in detail. 
All the heartache, despair, fear, horror, disbelief, utter sadness, anger. 

Oh god. A whole year.  
Actually, it’s going to be a F month.