Ranty rant rant!

You rant away. 

Honestly people are so self absorbed. Even if they don't know what to say can't they just think?!

Whilst I'm sure most are well intended, thinking before speaking would eliminate the hurt and offence caused by thoughtless comments and actions.

Sometimes it almost feels like the message behind words is thank God I'm not you.

I'm glad you found your wedding ring, I can imagine how devastating that would have been.

Last week I messaged my partners best friend who lives in the US, I felt I needed some connection and stupidly thought I would get it from him having not spoken for a long time. I'm fully aware he doesn't know what to say to me but thought as he was the best friend he would deal with it. Anyway he only says to me I hope things are going your way and you're in a wonderful relationship! N would want you to be happy and fulfilled. It cut like a knife, I thought it's alright for you on your second marriage (previously divorced) you have no idea. And that may be so but if you only knew...you're privileged not to know. Not what I needed to hear leading up to the anniversary this Sunday.

Suffice to say I won't be looking for comfort from him in the future. I figure people just aren't interested they don't want their lives interrupted by our sadness. 

And then a few weeks ago a neighbour commented on another neighbour, basically having a whinge saying 'he's all woe is me because his wife died' . Couldn't believe it, first of all I thought how cold, then how could you say that to me knowing I also lost my partner, then again how lucky for you that you have your life and people in tact to not have a clue. 

The last couple of weeks I've wondered if people are actually nice anymore, or maybe now I just see the world differently. 

Anyway....I was in the store last week and saw passion fruit jaffacakes and thought of our chat about them here.

Completely agree with you Kate, I've called a 'friend' cull.

I think we see the world differently now,to be honest.

I'll be thinking aboutvyou on Sunday. 

Did you buy the jaffa cakes ?

Thank you.

I didn't, only because I haven't gotten through my cherry Bakewell ones. Maybe next time

Passion fruit Jaffa cakes ? I am not sure about that. 

I think your so right on seeing the world differently now. 
I thought that as I was sitting on my favourite bench on the seafront people watching. 
BC (Before Cancer) we would sit there making up stories about the couples we watched. There goes the swingers. Theres the Russian spy and his moll. There are the school sweethearts now in their 90s. There goes the secret millionaires. 
Now AD (After Devastation) I only see the people walking on their own. Have they lost their soulmate? How long ago? How are the coping? 

I have also had quite a “friend” cull. 
The latest was only last week, or previous week, it’s all one long week now which can last a whole month. 
This was the person who messaged asking if I’m used to being able to do what I want, when I want yet? Like I couldn’t with my Valen! 
I ghosted quite a few who seem to have got the message. 
Really don’t need peoples negativity, insensitivity or crassness. I’m fragile enough as it is.

Ill be letting the sound of the waves wash over me Sunday, so I’ll have a quite moment of you.

We used to love people watching such fun,,…. and yes now I look differently at people who don't know me and they probably look at me thinking all kinds of things. 

I achieved what I needed to do today and put the fans in the attic opened a suitcase which i knew was full of photos and decided that's for another day and also came across a load of good old fashioned love letters that he used to write me put my hand on them saw his writing and agreed I can't put myself through it today the word fragile is perfect!

After my knock around on the court I walked back home at 7pm  a Very short walk and dumped my stuff then went straight back out again to the river where I'm drawn to at the moment. I would never have done that like it's now 4am and I'm in here feeling totally awake. Sleep still messed up and my work weekend so that doesn't help either. 

I don't think I'll ever be the person I was again without my husband. We all know life is never going to be the same again.

My good deed today though was booking and agreeing to take my elderly parents whilst they still can away for a couple of days next month only about and hour and half away but they are delighted so well done me my husband would have suggested it as he always looked after them too. 

The week after will be difficult my wedding anniversary so I know I need to do something and escape alone somewhere. 

A far cry from my usual Oct break in Cyprus was the norm for us but last year it was France as we were limited on travel due to regular blood transfusions and we could get home more easily if needed. 

Anyway I will put my work face on which is half the person I was just don't have the same energy or enthusiasm for it anymore but that's probably not surprising if I'm still up fitfully though the night.

X

Thank you ️

On the “Friend” cull. I saw this previous close friend, down at our local last night. Her and her husband decided to put my husband’s death on facebook without telling me or asking my permission.This was the day after his death. The rage I felt was incredible. I was inundated, as we live in a village. That was the last thing I needed, as I had all of the funeral arrangements to make and was trying to comfort our children. I think it was the total lack of respect that got me. I sent a text at a later date, and asked them not to discuss our family as they were both “Not worthy”. They both know now, not to approach me. I had a lovely time last night, catching up with a “New friend” that I have made in the last year. Hugs to all, Kate. Xxx