Ranty rant rant!

Agree with you on being a pain sometimes! Mine had adhd and we were also opposites

He used to say the ying and yang️

With Jay it was `timekeeping`. If we were going somewhere he'd want to be there a good hour before we were due to be there. I remember once we were going to Spain our flight was early morning about 7.30a.m and he had us all down there about 5a.m. and the check in desk didn't open until about 6.30a.m. so we had to sit about the airport for an hour and a half and the airport was not far from where we live. My dad was with us and he wasn't too happy I remember at having to sit in the airport at that time in the morning. Socially he wasn't that great either he never really socialised that much but would go if it were somewhere we needed to be but I remember always looking at his watch as if he wanted to leave I could never relax when there and if I wanted to stay longer sometimes he would go into a strop but wouldn't leave without me he had his own little ways as I suppose we all have. 

Sorry back to the old favourite. 

I know I'm struggling, and when I phone family or friends which is not a lot, I find its getting harder.  I am fed up with hearing Sue would want you to do this or that.  How the swear word do you know. You never came up when she was ill or when she was diagnosed. Like all are partners she wanted to live. You have not been up to see me since the funeral. I know travelling and their own life's to live. Just one act of kindness can go a long way, and make us feel like we do matter. Sorry being selfish, just feeling so tired and lost at the moment. It doesn't seem to be getting any easier and harder to keep going. I know I volunteer once a week and meet other bereavement people once a week for a coffee. Sorry, don't worry I'm not going to anything stupid, just tired.

You're definitely not being selfish. I would go so far as to say they are.

Like you say one act if kindness goes far, it's not that hard if you care about someone whether they're living their own lives or not.

Probably not the best thing but I've learnt to not bother for my own peace.

It is tiring, I hope volunteering is helping and you've made some good connections x

You are not on your own. I understand. It is fifteen months for me now, and I have been trying to understand, why it feels like I am  still a member of “The Pariah Club”. You came up with that name months ago, and it was correct. The contact with others is minimal. There were eighty plus people at the funeral, a few get in touch occasionally, by text. I think people either, can’t handle it, are genuinely selfish or don’t give a sh.. To be fair, I am not making a lot of effort, and would prefer to spend time with only certain people. I spend a lot of time trying to make sense of my life, now. I still get up, during the night. Still cry, most days. However, I do have happier days, too. It is extremely hard work to keep challenging myself to survive. I am Sending hugs, Kate. 

Thanks Kate & PBD7, 

I know I should know better. It just hurts on top of everything else. 9 months on yes I still cry everyday not as much ,sometimes it is intense but not like the first few months. Sleep all over the place. I just hope one day we all find a bit of peace. So I still class myself as a member of the pariah club. 

Why should you? Of course you expect people to be there for you, I certainly did. I'm still shocked that they weren't but try not to dwell on it and like Kate am careful with who i do spend any time with. You haven't done anything wrong and it is extremely hurtful on top of everything else.

I still cry nearly every day, if I don't it's usually because I'm especially angry and can't

I saw a post yesterday about how you feel betrayed by everything and everyone after losing your love. I'll post it here. 

So, I think I will probably always be a member of the pariah club even though I do hope we can all find some peace. 

I need the “Mask” to come out, again. I have been trying to make myself sort out my darling’s headstone and epitaph for the last month. I keep putting it off, as it is so painful. I will have to dig in to that inner strength that is there somewhere. It is so important for me to honour him. Kate.

I get you Ghostlove. Think the time of year has a lot to do with it too. I used to like this time of year when Jay was here but now the days just seem so looooong! and dull that makes you depressed on its own without actually feeling like you do already. Just been feeling that bit more alone recently. Have been and visited my son and my daughter in law to see my new wee granddaughter but it was that way you feel as though you are `intruding` even although its your own family. I feel quite blessed though to have 2 lovely little granddaughters now but it just feels so bitter at the same time that Jay is not here to share that happiness with. 

Take your time. Time is something you have. You will honour him when the time is trght.