Re-imagining the future?

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I lost my wife, best friend and partner earlier this year from pancreatic cancer.. I appreciated reading all of the prior posts with heartfelt stories and similar struggles with losing a spouse or significant other. I am struggling with how to re-envision my future without her. We plan and expect our partner to be with us forever and starting over in your 50’s is a daunting thought.

While I realize it has only been a short period of time for me, being alone, sad and heart-broken:

  • How did or do you even start with re-envisioning your future when you’ve lost your partner?
  • Are there ways you’ve been able to picture your future in a year, 5 years or 15 years?
  • What are you doing differently today as compared to when your partner was still by your side to help you going forward?

Thanks for your perspective..

  • Hi Toosoon.

    I have my husbands ashes here with me too. Years ago I would have scoffed at that because found it creepy for people to keep their loved ones ashes now though, I get it. I just don't know what to do with them either so `he` sits in his union Jack urn in the corner and is quite happy so in a way he is still here with me. Yeah the food thing. I have become a conniseur of the `ready meals` used to scoff at them too but some are really good- and filling just enough for me. I was just so used to Jay (my husband) making huge platefuls of food and the fridge was always full of all sorts of stuff and now its practically empty. Cooking was his passion and he would cook for an army. I do cook for myself but nothing as elaborate as Jay used to make spices, sauces etc all had to be added somewhere he loved all the cooking programmes on TV with the celebrity chefs. 

    I have gone back to a lot of my interests I had to shelve while he was ill and I had to look after him. Went back to the gym at the beginning of 2024 after a two year absence I have went back to online learning as well. A college local to where I am ran free online courses during lockdown 5 years ago and I did some and quite enjoyed them so decided to go back to them. I also have my little grandaughter who I look after regularly too and I have gone back to knitting which I find quite relaxing. Think we all eventually find our own way forwards. Take Care. 

    Vicky xx

  • Hi, I'm so sorry that you find yourself here.  I'm four years into this journey and can honestly say that the first year was a complete blur.  Nic was 58 when he died and I was 54.  I had three months off work straight after Nic died then left three months after I went back as it was too much too cope with.  I had a lot to deal with in the house (Nic's hoards and those of his parents that Nic brought back to the house after they died) which took up a lot of time and was very stressful.

    I didn't have a thought about the future until my previous work asked me to go back early last year.  They contacted me at just the right time as I was feeling like I had no structure to my life and I was bored.  I've gone back 12 hours a week and it has been so positive for me as I'm interacting with people again and not moping around at home on my own.

    On 1 February this year, four years to the day that Nic died, I had an epiphany.  It was time to move on on my own.  I decided to move house and go 50 miles away, close to my family.  I'm now waiting for the sale and purchase to go through.

    We all experience this differently and will have a time when we feel it is time to move on.  I'm not saying it has taken the whole four years to do this, it's more than life has gradually shifted in different ways and I'm now where I am.

    Please take things gently and not put too much pressure on yourself to feel that you should be feeling things according to how others think you should be feeling.

    Sorry for the long post.  What I guess I'm saying is, there is no right way to go about grief and life after the loss of a loved one.  You will feel when it is right to make changes and move on if you need and want to.

    Take care.

  • Hi nicsmrs. 

    I have just got by the 2 year mark with losing Jay. Can relate to so much you have said `the hoards` I have managed to get through getting rid of some of his `junk` don't know how many  chargers with leads I had to throw out because they didn't fit anything not even the couple of mobile phones that were there ( he had a thing about collecting those). A couple of old watches, old keys? nuts, bolts, etc and the rest all lingering in the `man drawer`. He was a terrible one for buying gadgets and then just abandoning then and got thrown in a drawer. Yes I'm trying my best to move forwards too after 2 years lots of things I want to do but when it comes round to it sometimes the incentive is still not there or its the uncertainty and fear that everything will turn out wrong or I'll make a pigs ear of something. I would like to move but the practicalities of it all wouldn't work. Funds are just not there for a start and as I think I said before I need to be close to my sister. I just could not have her live with me full time as I saw what it did to my mum looking after her. I looked at that a while back when Jay was still here after my dad passed as he was eventually her carer and a lot of people said to me `don't do it`. One woman I spoke to who had a son with learning difficulties said she took him in but it was horrendous and they had to eventually get him into assisted living somewhere his disability caused him to be aggressive etc and she was a good age and felt she couldn't cope with looking after him. So she is in sheltered accomodation within walking distance from me. She has her `little episodes` too but I have learned to live with them. I've got my new little grandchild to look forward to arriving but just wish I could be more enthusiastic my other little granddaughter starts school in August (where have the years gone) something her papa (Jay) said he wanted to be here for but cancer saw to that. But as you said, we all know or will know when things have shifted for us on this new life path we need to navigate. 

    xx

  • Jay and my beautiful Valen would have got on so well!
    Valens “man cupboard” contained an old I.phone, 2 old Samsungs, an old i.pod shuffle, i.pod so old it will fetch money, a 2nd kindle, mums old i.pad, 4 - yes 4 computer back-up thingys, about 10 emergency charger thingys. 
    And a bag of charger cables for various devices and lengths which my friend counted and came to 19. 
    My friend sorted through most and I gave most away. 
    I’ve still got his i.phone, I.pad and i.watch - none of which I can get into as I don’t have his password. 
    Not sure why I’ve held onto them really. They are back in his cupboard.
    I guess it’s because he was physically attached to them at all times.

    In the garage I’ve found 3 electric drill / screwdriver sets. 5 extension cables, 3 spirit levels and dozens of Stanley knives. 
    Along with our old landline phones which we changed over 3 years ago.

    He did love a gadget my Valen Blush

  • My Sue loved crafting and mix media. So I have a load of stamps and pads etc to go through.  Most of them are unopened, Sue was getting good at her cards. 

  • My Paul loved his wind up radio, Swiss arm knife, his LP’s, his posh pen, his leather business case, his Rolex watch. When we found out it was imminent, he said’ What will happen to my stuff”. It was heartbreaking, and I can’t yet face sorting it all, yet. That nearly broke me, as he was very OCD about his things. Some things are still too painful to deal with. I am chilling, and having a lovely glass of wine. Hugs to all, Kate. Xxx

  • Funnily enough Ive taken up crafting.

    I go to Watercolour class once a week. 
    Collage Group once a week. 
    Dabble with both most days along with Diamond Art.

    Valen had to wear a soft neck covering after radiotherapy. I’ve taken one and am turning it into a paintbrush roll. 
    Im decorating it with buttons that imply him, me and us - bees, butterfly’s, flowers, trees, red, blue, yellow, all sewn with silver glitter thread.
    Its going very slowly as I’m crap at sewing, but there’s no hurry.

    Im finding it very therapeutic. I’m not great, but do loose myself in it.

  • I’ll join you in that glass of wine and chill. 
    watching the original version of War of The Worlds

  • Yes Mrs VT

    You are so right. They sound so similar indeed. Don't what it is with men and drills, stanly knives, electric screwdrivers etc. Don't get me started on spirit levels don't know how many I've come across in the cupboard. When he was doing little DIY repairs he he would always go out and buy a spirit level and stanley knives? you could start a shop with amount he had along with the blades. My son was over looking for a suitcase for his holiday to save him buying one I have a couple in the loft and he found some kind of nail gun thing you use on concrete apparently and he said to me didn't know dad had one of these and I said to him William I still don't know what your dad did and didn't hoard I'm still finding things all the time to which he said don't get rid of that its handy to know that's there if I need it. Men and their toysBlush.

    xx

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