Feeling Low

It's a horrible feeling isn't it MrsVT when you get something like that. I actually got a parking ticket a few months back so looks like I let Jay down. I was on one of my many `hospital runs` with my sister and hospital parking is just an absolute nightmare. The hospital I went to has both an open air carpark and and an underground one- sound like `the wombles` here `underground overground` (bet that tune sticks in your head now). There is a bus stop just next to it that takes you into the city centre so its hard to say if people parked there are actually there for the hospital or just use it to park their car and get the bus into town but there are plenty of traffic wardens patrolling it. So anyway, I goes there with my sister and as usual can't get a space so I go down to the underground one and finally find a space near the lift which I thought was rather good. Come back to my car and notice a yellow piece of paper. I had apparently parked in a disabled bay and never even noticed. So that was £40 i had to pay for my trouble. I don't know if Jay would have laughed or called me all the names under the sun. You just feel like a criminal when that happens but you learn by your mistakes and thankfully its not happened again. Hope you are feeling a bit better today I do get how you are feeling. I have been feeling really low the last couple of weeks also. This coming weekend would have been Jay's `funeral weekend` when I had to finally say goodbye to him. Just hope I can shake myself a bit in the next couple of weeks once its over. Take Care. 

Vicky xx

Hi, I've been a few times. The first few, I did not feel like I fit in,as they were talking about TV and other stuff. Then I gave it one last go and opened up as I had not talked before. We then had a good talk about grief  which helped. Then today I am not good so it was not very good, but I needed to be with some people. I am afraid my human contact other then shop assistants is crap.

 It's like a lot of things on this path,we have to try and find things which work for us.

I managed a couple of hours sleep, but woke up saying I’m so sorry I let you down. 
Then a stiff talking to from my brother who asked if I felt let down when my beautiful Valen got a ticket years ago. He said he didn’t feel let down by his wife when she got one. 
My sister in law said she didn’t when he got one. 
Then talking to my friend she said it took her weeks to admit to her son she got a ticket. He’s an instructor

So I went for a walk to post the form and a walk through town. 
My feet took me to our cafe and I joined in the monthly philosophy group. It’s a very loose group and not in the least academic. 
Today the question was “what does happiness look like to you?” and the first thing we did was try and draw happiness. 
It was really really interesting to hear what the other 7 in the group said.
And it was wonderful when one of the group said “Valen was always happy, which always lifted me”.  
Lots of tears, and this time not from just me!! 

Home now and feeling so much calmer. 

Except had to close the windows due to all the ladybirds flying around! 

I was feeling very alone yesterday, so I looked up local Bereavement Cafe Meet ups. There is one this Friday morning, in the next village. Part of me wants to go, as I think it could be helpful to be open to meeting new people. The other part of me, wants to stay alone and be left alone. I was wondering if you have found it helpful to go ? I feel like part of me is shutting down. Kind regards, Kate. 

Hi Kate,

 The first couple of times, I felt like a fish out of water. They were talking about other things tv,etc. Not what I expected, then on what i thought was my last go. I opened up and the conversation changed. It helped talking face to face with people on the same path. Then yesterday I withdrew back into myself as they were talking about other things. I didn't want to upset anyone, but I think I should have asked for  some support.  I think they would have helped me,but my confidence has gone at the moment.

 I know it's not everyone. I will go again in a couple of weeks.  It just nice to be sat with people talking.

I shall have a think about it. I have a mini holiday to Spain, booked. We are due to go on Monday for four night’s. I have had a horrible cold, so at the moment I am having to force myself to get organised. Another kick up the backside day. 

Other than my sister and my son and his family `Ghostlove`, my human contact is just about `zilch` as well but in a way I'm happy with that. I don't need to explain myself and give an off the cuff CV of who I am, what I do where I'm going etc etc. This last year has been really hard for me (they say the grief hits that bit more in the 2nd year- and possibly beyond). I find myself more trying to avoid people again and it has been quite hard the last couple of weeks to actually try to step out the front door. I know myself I need to give myself a good shake and hopefully after this weekend (it would have been the weekend of Jay's funeral) I can start to move on again. Just that now the months of June/July are bit `no go` for me. Take Care

Vicky.

I hate that too. It's a horrible feeling when you walk in on a group of people talking in a `huddle` and you somehow think you are intruding

Been a strange day, saw a doctor today nothing serious. Just how I am coping with my grief.  With the double whammy of my Dad then Sue. Like you I have had a couple of crap weeks. She wants me to go back to counselling, is this a another backwards step ? I hope you get through this weekend ok as you can.

 I think it's the new one of waking up screaming and crying. Two weeks it's 6 months and it seems to be getting worse. 

Yes and this lovely weather we're supposed to be having coming in- yes for Scotland too seems to miss us now and again and really, I couldn't give a stuff. A few years back I would be out there trying to soak up the rays as Jay used to say but these days, it can rain, shine, snow whatever it wants really don't care to add to the sh*t this day has brought again I just got a cheque in from TV licensing. I changed my payment method and had something in credit so they  send me- a cheque too easy to pay into my bank account they send a cheque. Tried paying it with the banks app but taking a photo is nigh on impossible I don't know how straight and how clear it needs to be `move back` move forwards` `centre it turns green take the photo and it comes up `That didn't work`  Jeez. Think it will be the post office because the branch that used to be along the road from me has closed down.