Feeling Low

No, this is not another backwards step. It is smart to accept any counselling you can get. None of us truly knows if it helps, but at least you are able to verbalise your feelings. I am nearly a year in now, and at times I do have some quality of life. No, it is not what I would choose, but I am trying to make some sort of life for myself and our adult children. I went to see my darling, today. I re-potted some flowers with ferns, as the weather is so hot. It looks tropical, and reminds me of when we got married in St Lucia. I have been over forty times to his graveside now. Today, was the first time I didn’t cry. Luckily, it is only ten minutes away. Hugs to all, Kate. Xxx

I had 12 weeks of Art Therapy Counselling which I found really useful. Not much in the way of art was done. Lots of 121 face to face talking about what happened, my beautiful Valen, crying. 
We came up with coping strategies, which in the main take the edge off major meltdowns. 
And I liked how I came up with visual descriptions of Valen being a silver thread round me as a squishy ball, sometimes flat as a cowpat, other times a little more rounder and inflated like a wobbly jelly.  
And him as a silver tree with his branches reaching out, still nourishing and helping those he loves and who love him.
Though none helped with the speeding ticket freak out! 
We both agreed I was ready to end the sessions.

But then last month everything started to go downhill again and the strategies were failing. 
So I asked my GP if I could see the Mental Health Wellbeing Nurse. 
I saw her last week and had a cathartic 90 minutes with her. 
She referred me to the Counselling assessment team as she, and I, believe more counselling is needed. 
I spoke to them Monday. And for the first time was truely honest. 
Something I wasnt able to be face to face with the counsellor, nurse, family or friends. 
I am now just waiting to hear from them with an appointment for a different type of counselling with someone who deals with traumatic death.

Sorry long post. X

The last time,I did counselling I did find it helpful. Talking to someone about that night. 

 I just feel like I have lost my Dad then 30 days later my wife and now my friends.

It's probably the sunny weather and seeing couples out. Sorry moaning again, one day I will post something positive. 

Ive had kidney biopsy today and felt it with them poking about inside me despite numbing of the area my left side and back is pretty painful I wish they had given me a general so I could have had a little sleep through it and forget everything for a bit.

Long day back closer to home now but having to stay with family tonight. Was unaware I couldn't drive for 5 days or work for 5 days I don't think work were too happy about that. 

I was well looked after in hospital but got emotional on way to theatre saw a ward where my husband had to spend time last year in. I think they thought I was scared but I told them why I was upset having lost my husband 8, Weeks ago

Returned after and could just see in my mind him sat having his transfusions and dyalisis etc and the noise just gets to you all the beeps. My blood pressure was a little higher than usual again obviously but did come down after 6 hours lying still

I did get upset talking to the lovely nurse looking after me who was kind and understanding or just used to it. She said it's still so raw to me isn't it my grief. I was emotional but did relax and did manage to listen to a couple of desert island discs to switch off a little.

I only want my husband right now to come and see to me  and help me lay with me tonight I do have his little tin of ashes with me tonight but want to be home again tomorrow in our own bed when I can just freely grieve and cry and talk to him

 Even more so id love one of his cups of tea in the morning but that ain't gonna happen either

 I just can't seem to control my emotions as well as I should be able to .

Hope to get some rest and sleep now 

I'm glad today went OK. Try and get some rest.  Take care

Thinking of you at this, the start of Jays funeral, goodbye, weekend xx

I hope everything goes ok, for you this weekend.  From the pariah club.  Please look after yourself. Take care 

Thank you MrsV & Ghostlove. 

Just need Monday to come and give myself a good kick up the backside and get going again. Never have I wanted a weekend to pass so quickly as I do this one. Take Care. 

Vicky x

Thinking of you, take good care x

After a couple of hard weeks. I felt a little better yesterday, even though I was dreading Friday night. Listening to music to get some good memories in. Then one of my sisters rang  which I thought was nice,then for about 20 minutes, she talked about cancer. That just knocked me back. I know 24 weeks can seem like a long time,but to us it can feel like yesterday. So another hard Friday night/Saturday morning  the flash backs and remembering that night. Hung my washing out this morning another sad task.

 Take care and I hope you have a better day then yesterday.