Feeling Low

Hi.so a negative post from me sorry.

 Yesterday was week 17 of my wife collapsing. 

 This morning is she officially died (I do know the time)

Sunday is 4 months. 

So this is a big wave weekend. I cried a lot yesterday and today has started the same. Yes I still relive it every Friday night I see myself giving her cpr and on that table in the hospital.  I stil hear myself saying them words. I know what my counsellor and doctor have said but I will always feel guilty. Yet I don't know how I am still here.  I lit a candle  for her yesterday at the local church. I try to do it on the 25th,but that's a Sunday and I don't want to do it on Sunday. 

Take care and please look after yourself. 

It’s 8 months and1 day since my beautiful Valen was ripped from me and I have been experiencing a kaleidoscope of images and words from those hours. Going over in minute detail every word and action.

Was he batting my hand away as the neck massage I was giving to help him to breathe was ineffectual, or worse, hurting him. Or was he actually trying to grab my hand. 

Was that look in his eyes as he looked at me for the last time ever fear, or confusion. Was he begging, pleading with me to help. Or was it a look of total trust that I would know what to do to help him. And I couldn’t.

The silent men in black who came and took him away. 
The look on my sisters face as she came into the hotel room and saw him on the bed the paramedics had lifted him on to. 
The nose clip he wore to try and keep his nostrils open to aid breathing at night abandoned on the floor where it had come out.

Telling the helicopter doctor when he said to me I had a difficult decision to make after they had no response after trying for over 20 minutes - “I don’t. He has made the decision already. He has a DNR in place. Please stop.” 

Hearing the paramedic on the phone to my brother saying those mind blowing words “Valen passed away earlier this morning”.

It’s been a bad day and night. I have called my brother twice, sobbing while he talked me down from the panic. 
I think that sometimes the reality is harder to bear than other days.
I am calmer now, to the point where I feel I can go lie down with the radio on a talk channel to lull me.

And as always, writing on here has calmed my jumbled thoughts. 
As I know I am not alone. 

A hug to all of you xx

No, you are not alone. We all know the truth. The pain that we are suffering should always be acknowledged. Some friends in the village arranged a garden party in honour of my darling Paul this weekend. It was a fund raiser for St Barnabas. Our adult children and closest friends came to support me. The garden has a stunning view over The South Downs. We had live music, the sun was out, and over a hundred people attended. I was determined to go, While I was there, I could feel the love being given to us through hugs, and kind words. My darling was very outgoing, and would have loved it. Inside, my heart was breaking. I accept the pain. Our love will never be diminished. Sending everyone hugs. Kate.xxx

It scares me so much to read these replies. My darling husband passed only on the 5th may, so it's only been 3 weeks or so... and I'm dreading spending the rest of my life in grief  I feel horrible saying this, but I feel so jealous of those who have lost their partners of 30,40,50 years...I only got 5 with my sweet husband  I'm not dreading now, I'm dreading the 6th year of grief when I know I'll miss him for more than what we had together. 

I get what you mean. 
For me it was lat week.
When for the first time, and now forever more, I became older than my beautiful Valen. 
He was 3 months older than me and we always joked on his birthday that he was my old man. 
Then on my birthday he would laugh about me catching him up which meant I was an old lady,

He will be forever 56. 
I am now 57.

Bloody rubbish.

I have had a horrible day today. Sobbing on and off for hours. I think it is that I had the garden party to focus on (fund raiser). Now, that it is over, the reality has set in again.. I felt my darling close to me today. It was although he was still here. Perhaps, he was checking up on me. I am having a lovely glass of wine to cheer myself up. Hopefully, tomorrow will be easier. Hugs to all. Kate. Xxx

hi ever one well it does not get any easier today i felt bad decided to spend the day in the studio making music.All the music i do is at is centre about cveti one way or another its good but the flip side of the coin is pure pain i just finnished about an hour ago and back to reality and the pain and the swings in to total utter sadness then anger at her ex because he used to slap her around then smashed her on the head with the battery end of a tooth brush just where her tumor started then the tears of both rage and total and utter saddness.i told my gp again i dont want to live and thats the truth they dont know what to do and i understand that they know what i want but they will not let me have it and thats right my own health is not good and i have given up iam still taking all my tablets.i am on 8 diffrent drugs so not so easy to just stop taking them then i really would be in trouble but ive got no fight left this life has had more than its pound of flesh out of me and that was the final straw cveti death its over for me iam just counting the days till i see her again.iam making sure those close to me will be looked after once thats sorted proper then i can sit back more and just let the time pass till i see cveit on the shores waiting for me to come to her i have my coin for the ferry man.Charon tonight would be good night to go but i know there a couple of things left to do then when done.i will call upon you charon as and when you ready to collect me .my Hope is you all some how have a better journey than me

Hi, I am also a 1968 child. 57 and feel like my life is over.

 I upset my sister last week, we were talking about birthdays and ,how hard I find it to wright cards with just my name. I told her I would not be having anymore birthdays. As how can I celebrate a day,when 2 days later my wife died. A big part of me hopes I won't get that far. I am not suicidal just not bothered anymore. Yet I get up shower and eat ? My counselling has finished through the hospice. Doctors check in today. Need to get back to reading that book.

 Take care everyone and I hope you have a better then yesterday. 

I’m the same - my lovely husband died on the 6 May, after only four years together. I’ve no idea how I’m going to cope, living with this grief, pain and sadness for the rest of my life.  

We’ve been totally robbed of our loved ones and our futures. How cruel. 

Hi All. I can identify with all your pain. My husband finished 6 weeks radiotherapy and 5 weeks chemo for right sided tonsil cancer on Good Friday this year. We were looking forward to our 30th anniversary in October where we planned to do a cruise. On Easter Monday he collapsed and passed away from a cardiac arrest which I now know was caused by a blood clot (DVT) in his leg he was only 68. To say I’m devastated is an understatement and I am lost beyond belief. We were so looking forward to the future only for it to be taken away so cruelly. His funeral was last Thursday attended by well over a hundred people. He was a gentle giant of a man who was loved by all. How do we carry on after such devastation