Feeling Low

Oh I'm used to that now wesurvived. The first time the boiler went down I hadn't a clue but luckily I've service insurance for my central heating and they sent someone out. The engineer showed me what to do if it happened again pull the two little levers at the back forward til you see the pressure dial going up again and I'm an old hand at it now. I painted my garden fence last year took me two and half days to do it as it's quite high but managed it and hope to paint the decking this year if the rain stays off- being in Scotland sometimes it's never guaranteed.  Have so far put the the car through 2 MOT's without being ripped off as I'm a female and other little simple DIY tasks I've managed all that were Jay's particular area but I just hope he's up there and looking down and proud how I'm coping so far without him. Take Care.

Vicky xx

An ex colleague who I thought of as a fairly sympathetic friend sent me a message yesterday 

“At least you can take advantage of this lovely weather now you’ve taken early retirement”

I replied “You do understand why I am able to take early retirement don’t you. Do you really think I want to be retired or do you think I would rather be working at a job I don’t like but come home to Valen”

I then had a sobfest. 

Some people just don’t think.

Today I had a very horrid experience. 
Out on my walk along the prom, walking towards the sun, with my dark sunglasses on I saw a man who looked just like my beautiful Valen sitting in a beach shelter. 
He had Valen’s hat, shorts, sandals and was sat like Valen looking at his phone. 
I actually shouted out his name and started to rush forward before my brain kicked into gear. 
I stopped like I’d hit a brick wall. 
I was able to get to a secluded hidden bench before the tears came. 
When I was calm and stopped crying I got to my safe cafe and my friends who held me till I was able to function again. 

I am sorry you have had a bad day.  I also glad you got to your safe cafe with what sounds like good friends. 

I got a WhatsApp message today what said something similar about getting out in the sun. I have never been a sun worshipper and I know we need to go out, but at the moment I miss having Sue by my side on walks holding hands and just been so happy in each others company. 

 So at the moment I am listening to Mike Peters/ the Alarm trying to remember the good times we had seeing him live. He did seem like a genuine good man. I tried to use him as inspiration for Sue's battle with cancer, but the bloody thing got them both. As he used to say Love,Hope  and Strength. 

You should be proud of yourself as well! 

It’s my birthday today and I so wish it wasn’t. 
I never want another one.

Today, for the first time, I am older than my beautiful Valen. 
He will be forever 56. 
Today I am 57 and it’s the beginning of me pulling away from him. 
We always joked that he was an old man between his birthday in Feb and mine in May.

I just feel like every day I am getting further away from him and today in particular I keenly feel it. 
Another day further away from the sound of his voice. His kiss. His laugh. His snores. His hand on my arm at night. Seeing him in the kitchen cooking up a storm. His twinkly eyes.

My family and friends are respecting my wishes for no cards or celebrations for which I am grateful.

I still sleep with a bunched up soft blanket next to me. I really miss my darling next to me at night. Kate.xxx

Mrsvt, I hope you get through today OK.

Please look after yourself. 

I have told my family, I will not be doing my birthday,  I know it's not till January but how can I celebrate a birthday when two days latter my wife died. The last time I saw her smile and try to laugh as I told her, she owed me a better birthday next year. Sue was on her first chemotherapy cycle and in bed.

Almost two years in Kate and at times I still can't comprehend waking up without him there. I have very vivid dreams about him and then I wake up and am really disappointed that that is all it was just a dream they seem so real. I also dream of places and people we knew together in the past. Just feels as though I am living the past we had together through dreams all the places we went to and people we knew as a couple. 

Well I got through my birthday pretty well. 
Fully occupied in the day with my lovely sister and my brother from Wales. 

Cried all evening. 
What’s new there?

However today is another whole open wound I wasn’t expecting.

My brother is taking mum and I back to Wales for a week. 
We have stopped off overnight as we went to see some other family and it’s too far for 1 drive.

I stepped into my hotel room. Dropped by bag. And have been crying since. 
I put my toiletries out, then put them away again as it’s just plain wrong without his and his shaver. 
I’ve turned the chair into the corner facing away, because that’s where he slung his clothes.
Cant hang even my coat up as his isn’t there.

If I thought he’d let me I’d ask my brother if I could sleep in the car.

My beautiful Valen was ripped from me in a hotel room. 
Just didn’t think staying in a hotel would do this to me.

I am so sorry MrsVT. That must have been horrible for you.

 I hope the rest of your trip is better.