Feeling Low

I know. I just feel like a zombie.  Just doing enough to keep going. The one I don't like is what would Sue say. If you have support network  use it. I wish I could say something positive, but I am not there. 

Hi there, I am glad you managed to go out for your walk. I am sorry you had that horrible experience with the ambulance. I did go to our favourite spot in the bluebell woods, close to us. Our son, daughter and border collie came too. It was beautiful, the light and the intensity of the bluebells were wonderful. I made myself go, as I can see the impact the grief is having on our adult children. I recognise that I am fortunate, as they still live at home. I am hoping that this latest “Grief Attack,” is ebbing. This week, I am going to spend lots of time in the garden, hacking brambles and cutting the ivy back. If I stay really busy, may I can just pass out when I go to bed. Hugs to all, Kate. Xxx

I’m getting fed up with people saying “everything will look better with better weather” or “the sun always makes things better”.

No. And No.

It is just making me even sadder knowing I won’t be seeing my beautiful Valen’s knobbly knees in his shorts. 
I won’t be rolling my eyes as he won’t be telling me to put my hat on when we go out. 
He’s missed the blossom on the pear tree. 
With the sun we would plant out our tomatoes. Haven’t bothered this year. What’s the point. 
I don’t want to change our winter duvet to the lighter one. 
With the better weather and sun we would be going on our long weekend breaks that we would have planned over winter. 
The lighter longer days mean longer to fill time till I drag myself to bed.

So stop telling me things will look better. 
Nothing will make it better. Wind, rain, sun, snow, heatwave, ice. 
It’s all pants

The crematorium where we held Jay's funeral is just along the road from me. They have a little garden of remembrance and some days I just go along there in the summer months and sit for a little while to feel close to him again and my mum's ashes are interred there in grounds too so gives a little bit of comfort if I feel down. 

I’ve been really struggling the last few days.

Ive been in strong denial again. I thought I was getting through this part.  
I’ve been thinking I hear him and go look in his old office and when he’s not there have a melt down. 
Or I’ve sent a text genuinely asking if he is on the train and should I put a spud in the microwave. 
I went into our cafe and ordered 2 lattes (that got to the girls serving, who are our friends).

This morning it came to a head. 
A few days ago I accidentally turned on the side lights on the car and ran the battery dead. 
I had a full blown hyperventilating panic attack. I managed to call my friend who talked me down and her husband rushed round. He sorted the car out but said I do need to get it out for a drive. 
So this morning I drove to Sutton Hoo. I didn’t aim for it, but just drove and ended up there. Subconsciously following the signs. 
I spent nearly 3 hours wandering through the woods which are full of bluebells. 
The only sounds were birds, bees and my breathing. 
I saw only 10 people the whole time walking. 

I cried. Sobbed. Silently raged. Sat. Listened to nature. Listened to my breathing. 
Held his necklace (it contains a tiny amount of his ashes). 
Calmed.

And I’m okay again.

Isn’t nature a wonderful thing!

You poor darling. That sounds like a really difficult day. It is so frightening having to do new things that we are not used to. The car stuff was my Paul’s area, so I am paranoid about breaking down somewhere. We have RAC cover, but it is all my responsibility now. The old adage, “A problem shared, is a problem halved.” Not any more. It is up to me to find solutions. At the moment, I have a wheelbarrow that needs assembling, I can’t find the charger for the hedge trimmer, and something to do with pressure being too low on the boiler. I am frightened to touch anything, in case I make it worse. Sending hugs to all, Kate. Xxx

Low pressure on the boiler: there should be a knob under the boiler that you can turn on to let more water into the system. Don't add too much. YouTube will help.

Yes, we have to become expert in areas we didn't want to be. I cope by digging (and soon planting up) our allotment but, after 25 years' experience, I find I don't have the confidence to do what previously I knew how to do. Silly things: when do I put seedlings in the greenhouse? And when plant out in the ground? Before Bruce died, we did this together and I didn't have to think about it.  But now I find myself doubting everything - even our happy marriage. And the only person I could have talked to isn't here anymore. Ever. 

If I had just paused for a moment and not panicked I would have calmly phoned the A,A who we have cover with, including home cover. 
But I didn’t think. 

I have to at some point fix or change the Tado thermostat that I threw across the room and broke months ago when I couldn’t change the battery. 
The gutters need clearing. My beautiful Valen would get up there and do that while I held the ladder and emptied the bucket.  
Im looking at a stopped clock that stopped 3 weeks ago and can’t be bothered to get the step ladder out to get it down to change the battery.

And yet I managed to use the power drill to put up some pots on the side of the shed. Having gone through several chargers to find the right one, changed the drill bit, only drilled my fingers twice. First time ever used it. 
Mowed the lawn - first time ever. 

I still feel calm after today’s walk. 
Was able to tell Valen all about it and how I had been feeling with only a few tears instead of sobbing. 
Hoping I’m still calm later today when I go for my annual thyroid cancer hospital appointment. 
Got a friend coming with me as it’s the 1st time I will have entered  the hospital since Valen’s last devastating appointment. 

hugs to you all xx

Good luck today at the hospital. 

 I went back to Alnwick gardens again yesterday 3rd time. I thought it was supposed to get easier.  As soon as I went in I started crying.  Half way round the cherry blossom,  I got rather morbid thinking how crap my life is. Made my self go for a sausage sandwich and had to stop myself from being sick. Not the sandwich fault just how I felt. 

 I rang some friends last night hoping they would take a hint, over a month since I had spoken to them. I was hoping they would say they would come up this weekend for a day. I told them how lonely and down I was, but not a bite. So I am back on a crap wave.

Another bad night,up at 6.30 am washing my bedding. So I can get it dry for tonight.  I have other bedding but I just can't use that yet.take care look after yourselves. 

I am sorry you had such a tough day. People can be so bloody selfish. They should be able to ‘Read between the lines”. Grief doesn’t just disappear like a puff of smoke. Do you have an animal to look after ? Our border collie, Jack brings me great comfort. I have to care for him, as he matters. It is also a way of expressing and receiving love. Sending hugs to all. Kate.