Lost my husband

My husband passed nine months ago from kidney cancer. We were together for 40 years. We loved each other deeply. Everything has shifted. How I look at the world, who I would like to spend time with, how I feel about our home, our garden, our friendships. Your comment about living in an alternate reality really expressed how it feels to me too. My priorities have been to protect and guide our two adult children through this, and to try and find some level of peace. I don’t expect to ever be truly happy again, but perhaps I can learn to smile again. Sending hugs to all. Kate.xxx

Hello,

Much of what you wrote resonates so much I feel like I could have written it myself.

Isn't it a weird place to be in where we are now...brutal...

Sending love 

Hello!

I agree with everything said here I can resonate so much. My home is just a house now. We had so many plans what we were going to do but that has all gone and with a reduction in income (his pension etc) things are not so achieveable now although I am mortgage free so that is a bonus in a way.  Everything we planned when Jay retired are all gone he never even got to enjoy his retirement. Almost 6 years ago he retired and then it was just a succession of hospitals GPs specialists etc  going from never being at a GP in his working life to it becoming more or less an everyday occurrence. He worked solid for 50 odd years and then nothing. We owned a lovely static caravan where we would spend many weekends and holidays when we could but that has gone too because I could not afford the upkeep of it on my own we planned to spend a lot more time there in his retirement. Just things in general we had planned and now all gone. It's been almost 2 years this June since he passed and some days it still feels so surreal that he is gone. Having someone by your side for 40 years and suddenly not to be there is quite a shock to the system and at times you don't feel a part of anything anymore. You somehow felt `accepted` when you were a couple but now its as though I have just faded into the background and gone back to being that singleton I was just about 43 years ago. Things are different in some ways now as I have a son which I didn't have all those years ago and am a grandmother and mother in law now so I still have people around me but it is like you say Kate how you see the world now. I am slowly but surely getting there and trying to find my way. Just getting out of bed in the morning and putting one foot in front of the other is an acheivement in itself. Take Care All

Vicky

Yes, alternate realities.

In one : people, family, friends, see me functioning close to normal. Going out. Joining in. Getting on. Being “strong”. Eating. Sleeping. Being busy. Working. Coping, managing. Going through “firsts”. And yes, seeing me cry.

The other reality. The real reality. Going to bed at 2am and getting up at 6am as I can’t bear to be in bed without him. Pringles, chips, toast, soup, my beautiful Valen did all the cooking, I could never cook as well as him and why would I just for me. Manic cleaning, scrubbing till my nails are broken and my hands red. Screaming into a cushion till my throat is raw. Saying “Sorry, I can’t come to xyz as I’m already going out with abc. LIAR. I’ve got to keep busy otherwise I have time to think. I’ve got to cope, manage, do the firsts or I will implode.

I am almost the same person to everyone. 
I am a very different person to myself. I know my outlook (what outlook?), attitude has changed. I see the world very differently. It’s like the reverse of The Wizard of Oz. Valen and my world was vibrant Technicolor, now it’s black and white.

Maybe this alternate me and reality will merge with everyone else’s reality at some point.

In the meantime I inhabit this strange world, moving forwards, backwards and sideways.

Hugs to you all in whatever reality you inhabit x

PattyK- my story is almost a mirror image of yours. My husband worked for 40 years, we bought a motorhome with the intention of spending time together now our children all have families of their own. My husband didn’t get to live to enjoy his retirement. My finances mean I can no longer do the things we planned. although my family try and include me in everything nothing seems real

MrsVT I could have written exactly the same. It’s such a strange new world. I really can’t see how anyone copes. I’m disabled my husband was my carer. He cooked and looked after me very well, like you I am now living off toast, soup etc

I’m pleased you find comfort in your husband’s dressing gown. My daughter in law cleared all my husbands clothes out. The only thing I kept was the jumper he last wore before going into hospital, the last time he was home. I nearly wore it today but not sure how that’ll feel

I have become very good at pretending. I have found it essential, as others can’t cope with the truth. Perhaps, that is why the intensity of emotion has been such a shock. People don’t really want to discuss suffering and death. This probably starts them thinking about their own mortality. Hugs to all. Kate. Xxx

It's exhausting pretending isn't it? But you're right, it seems essential even though it shouldn't be. It's no wonder we feel like we want to explode when we can't be honest in how we feel

Yes I used to love home, but now just its just a house. He was my home, my family.

It makes you wonder what it's all for doesn't it? Working so hard for all those years and not even being able to enjoy the fruits of your labour. Sad...all plans gone to pot.

It's just over 2 and a half years for me and it's still surreal, still raw and a shock to the system. Who even am I anymore? Irrelevant, insignificant, invisible, a wounded animal.

You're right, getting out of bed is an achievement though I'm not sure how or why I'm doing it.

Sending love