Lost my husband

Hello Smosie 

My name is Steph and I’m part of the Community team here at Macmillan. May I wish you another warm welcome to the Community, I hope you will find it to be a safe place of comfort and support.

I was so sorry to read about the sudden loss of your husband. It sounds like a truly traumatic time and it’s positive that you are reaching out for support.

I am just letting you know that I have moved your post here into the bereaved spouses and partners forum so you can connect with more people in similar circumstances.

We have some written information here around coping with bereavement, in case you find it helpful. I would highlight this part about things that may help when you are grieving. 

We would also encourage you to contact your GP to talk about how you're feeling. Your GP can also help you to access the right support.  If you feel you may need more immediate help, you can contact the following services at any time to make an emergency appointment and get advice:

• NHS 111 on 111 for England and Scotland
• NHS Direct Wales on 0845 46 47 for Wales
• NI direct – find an out of hours service

If you’d like to talk anything through with an expert at Macmillan, I’d encourage you to contact the Support Line.  Our Support Line teams are available 7 days a week, 8am-8pm on freephone 0808 808 00 00, email or live webchat. 

In addition to offering a listening ear, we may refer you to other bereavement services, such as Cruse Bereavement Support,  a charity dedicated to helping help people through one of the most painful times in life. You can contact Cruse directly on 0808 808 1677. 

I’d also recommend you take a look at the website Ataloss.org. They can help you find the right bereavement support for you, from national organisation helplines to small local groups who might meet face to face. 

Please do let us know if you have any questions, if you’d like some help using the Community or further support with anything at all. I hope that the Community helps you feel less alone and shows you that there’s a lot of support available for you. 

Kindest Regards,

Steph - Online Community Officer

Hi Smosie

Like yourself I lost my dear husband, the love of my life for 42 years on the 8th of this month. He had a three year battle with colon cancer with liver mets. His health deteriorated very quickly over the last two weeks and I am totally at a loss and don't know how I will get on without him by my side The first few days I had such physical pain, that I thought I was having a heart attack, I didn't realise grief could be physical.

I have our son with me now but he has to go back to his own home tomorrow and I am dreading the weekend alone. He is a godsend to me.

I send you my love and understanding of how you are feeling.

Hi Mya,

Thank you for you message, I am the same, I cannot imagine how I can live my life without him, I have 4 amazing daughters and they are a great support but that still doesn't give me their dad to cuddle in with at night, the nights are the hardest, I find myself just talking to him into the night, I miss him so much and the pain is undescribable, talking to someone who knows exactly how this feels does help a little bit.

Sending you my love and hope we find the strength to get through each day.

Hi,

I lost my wife of 38 years just over seventeen months ago - so I think I can guess how you're feeling. I miss my wife every second of every day, and I am struggling to carry on. But I know that I have a responsibility to do so, in memory of my dear wife - so I will do my best. And I wish you all the resilience that you can muster in order to do the same.

You mention the speed of the deterioration at the end. The illness and subsequent death of my wife, was my first - and only - personal experience of cancer. But the rapidity of the disease in the later stages shocked me, and continues to shock me now. Unfortunately however, from what I now know, that seems to be a very common experience: cancer is a horrible and cruel disease.

I can't write anything here which will 'fix' anything. But please know that you are not alone, and that others are thinking of you.

I send you love, and best wishes.

Hi - I lost my husband on 25h March after 30 years together. I too wonder how does anyone get through this, there are no words of advice. I just wanted you to know that although we are all different I think I understand how you are feeling. Sending you best wishes 

I am sorry to you all for your losses.  I am afraid there is no magic cure for this. It is a lonely path what we walk. I lost my Sue 12 weeks today. All I can say is try and look after yourselves. Shower, eat and try and get some sleep. Believe me I know this is hard even now I am still a zombie. If you have a good support system please use it. If not vent on here . People will understand as we are all going through it, but your grief is different to any body  else you have to try and find your own way through it. Don't let anybody tell you how you should feel. Take care 

Hi Everyone!

Just reading your posts. For most of you your losses of of your spouses seem to be very recent. I am just over 18 months from losing my husband to bowel cancer. I won't say to you just now that things will get better because I know everything for you all will still be very raw and everyone grieves at different levels. It will be two years this coming June that my dear Jay passed. He fought for almost two years at one time for them to say he was in remission only for it to re-occur only months later. A new regime of chemotherapy was too severe and it caused him kidney damage so had to be withdrawn completely. Nothing else could be done for him after that and they said because of where he was (stage 4) they said they had looked at other options but decided they wouldn't work for him so he was on borrowed time. Four bouts of sepsis came along and it was on his 4th along with his advancing cancer which took him in June 2023. I still have my dark days/weeks but just go with them now and they eventually leave like unwelcome visitors. It really is a shock to the system to have someone by your side for 40 years and then for them not to be there. Just reading your posts I notice this has been the timescale of being together for most of you so I could relate to this. I have a son and daughter in law who live not far from me and I have my little granddaughter who keeps me going. I also care for my older sister who too had cancer issues breast cancer 6 years ago and bowel cancer too just about 16 months ago but she is recovering well. This irony is that just two months after Jay passed she did a home bowel screening test and it came back positive but like her breast cancer it was caught in its very early stages and they were able to get her in cut it out and she is making good progress. She has mental health problems also which have flared up recently so a lot of my time is spent seeing to her too. I wish you all well in your bereavement journeys. Just take it a day at a time is all you can do and of course just keep coming here when you feel you need to have a rant, scream or whatever as well all `get it`. Take care. 

Vicky 

Thank you to everyone sharing their stories of sadness and loss, it will be 2 weeks tomorrow and his funeral on the 25th, then I have to begin a new chapter of my life without him, everything I touch and see reminds me of him, it was my first night last night that I didn't cry through the night at the empty space beside me, I am so angry at the speed this cancer took him, this was his second journey into cancer, he was given 18 months, then a week later 2 months, then the next week 2 weeks, he died 2 days later, we never had the chance to process or talk and he was gone, cancer is a cruel disease

Next week will be an unbelievable 7 months since my beautiful Valen was ripped from me.

After enduring gruelling side effects from radiotherapy - he was an amazing cook who loved to  create his Burmese heritage dishes and did 99% of the cooking so it was heartbreaking when he lost his sense of taste. Then his skin literally, and I mean literally, peeled off the side of his face and neck so he didn’t want to see anyone.  
We were told it had all worked.

3 months later we were told it was back and spread to his neck, lymph nodes, spine and liver. 
How the hell was this damn well possible? 
So that bloody awful radiotherapy was in vain. 
We were told he would get 3 to 6 months if he started chemo straight away. 
With his health insurance we went for experimental drugs as his main wish, apart from living, was to help those to come after him. 
My poor gentle, kind darling had to fight tooth and nail to get the hospital and insurance to get their acts together.

My darling man left me in the early hours of the morning he was due to start. 
It was not peaceful. It was in a hotel room so along with paramedics, helicopter crew, the police had to attend.

I cry when I get up having to face another day without him. 
I cry when I go to bed at the empty space beside me. 
I cry at his pictures. At flowers. At birdsong. At the t.v. At the smell of cooking. The smell of sun lotion these last few days. 
So many things to set you off. 
I generally crawl into bed at 2am.

BUT. I go out for a walk everyday. 
I volunteer at the local museum twice a week. 
I go to our favourite cafe once a week. 
I do an art therapy group once a week. 
I force myself to do this, fighting against the devil on my shoulder enticing me to stay home. 
I am going to join a walking group for those who have lost their other halves ( I refuse to say widow, I am Valen’s wife).

And for me, personally, though it is damn hard and I cry, cry, cry, it is beginning to help.

Everyone is different and we all go at our own pace. 
We go forwards, we go backwards, we go sideways. 
Let no one tell you how you should be acting or behaving or what you should be doing. 
You will know what, when, where is right for you. 
We are all on the same path, but on different routes with different support and different ways to cope. 
But we all have in common such an unbelievable loss. 

So come on here and vent, rage, cry, share. Xx

It seems that time is not a certain healer, l feel right now that everyone says it gets easier but that will be a long journey i think.