Just having a moment

Oh Charlie!

I feel for you. At this moment I having a `sorry me` couple of days. I get these from time to time and in little spells. I know this feeling will lift in a couple of days and I will be back to my what I would say not normal but `near normal self` when I actually want to give a f'ck about anything because at this time I don't so when I am like this I just hide away until I feel better. Think this is something we all come up against trying to navigate our `new normal. Take Care. 

Vicky x

Hi Gordie!

I get everything you are saying. Jay hated Christmas too he was a bit `bah humbug` with everything. He would get involved though for our son when he was a wee boy but as he got older the `sparkle` went out of it. He loved to cook a big Christmas dinner though which is the irony of it all as he loved cooking. He was always stressing that he hadn't made enough which was quite the opposite and he had made far too much and it was only for the two or three of us. I am feeling it this year leading up to Christmas. Last year wasn't too bad I think because I was only months in from losing him so I think still processing that he had gone. I've not given Christmas much thought this year but I have my wee granddaughter now and I will try my best to get into the mood for her if nothing else. My older sister got a cancer diagnosis two months after Jay passed he passed in June last year (2023) after an almost 2 year fight with bowel cancer of which he went into remission only for the b'strd to come back months later. Bless you and sending you a much needed hug. Take Care. 

Vicky x

I am seriously thinking of going to a hypnotist.

I am desperate to get the images of his last few moments out of my head. 
Every damn time I think I’m making a tiny tiny smidgeon of progress, looking at photos of our wonderful holidays, remembering a party. Talking about the markets we went to. Laughing about our days out. 
When I’m on my own, especially this time of night onwards, I replay those horrific moments. 
I can’t stop myself. 
And then all those lovely memories from earlier are tainted again. 
And then I get all panicky and anxious.

Maybe I need to speak to my GP and get some meds.

I’m feeling rather lost tonight. 
Another hug request please. Xx

Hi MrsVT

So sorry you feel so lost, I'm sending you the biggest virtual hug possible.

i was given anxiety and panic tablets because I just couldn't control my breathing, I ne er actually took them in the end, but maybe for you, your doctor could prescribe 

I also have sleeping tablets that help, maybe ask for those as well, they just allow you to switch off for a couple of hours so you can sleep xx

Sending hugs from over here. I hope you do manage to get a few hours of good sleep. I luckily don’t have any trouble falling asleep (the wine and the rum help!), But I wake at 2 or 3 and never know if I’m going to fall asleep again, or whether I am going to spend all the hours until dawn re-living lots of stuff that I am able to not dwell on during the daytime. Why not see your GP, as you say, if they are decent? I thought about it too, but as I have no relationship with the doctor, for me, the visits to the palliative care psychologist, and the cathartic release I feel after each meeting seem to help fend off the worst of my anxiety and guilt. Take care x

Hugs coming your way, . I was wondering if my flashbacks will ever go away. I’ve done without meds so far and wanted to try a bit longer. It’s another Saturday morning for me 6 weeks today . I go over and over what happened and I still even get flashbacks when I drive, my mind is all over the place hence the reason I  don’t drive far. I try so hard not to think of me trying to revive him with CPR and the image of him lying on the bathroom floor but it honestly haunts me every time I use the bathroom. I do also have a nicer image of him cosy on the bed where the paramedics laid him but it keeps going back to the bathroom. I wondered if painting the bathroom and changing everything would help, I’m willing to try. I need to get out the house around the time it happened that Saturday morning, so I will be out a walk. Will I have to do this the rest of my days, I’ve no idea. Maybe we do need a little help but I can’t call anyone about it. I honestly don’t know the answer to this problem. Maybe just maybe as everyone keeps telling us that time is a healer. Sending more hugs xxxxxx 

I don’t have any problem sleeping, maybe it’s the brandy I have at night but I wake up every couple of hours, not getting a really peaceful sleep.. take care xx

Yes, thank heavens for rum and brandy! It’s the 3am racing thoughts that I can’t bear.. I don’t know what to say about coping with the flashbacks. I have them, but mine are just sad and painful ‘what if’s’ . I’m generally able to force them from my mind, (unless it’s at 3am).  But if they were as traumatic as your experience I don’t know how I’d manage. I do think you’re right though with the walking and the notion that they’ll lessen in intensity/power over time. I presume gradually we all just learn to live with our new circumstances. Sending a hug and fingers crossed for some peaceful nights for us both x

Thank you Daisy, I will continue with my morning walk, need to get up and have a cuppa and biscuit and get ready to go out. Will have toast when I get back. Take care and hope today a good one xxx

Charlie I am the same.
The horrific memory of him saying he can’t breathe, looking at me pleadingly, me turning to the phone and calling 999 and seeing him out the corner of my eyes as his whole body suddenly stiffened. Dragging him off the chair to the floor. 
And the screaming, screaming, screaming from me. 
I can’t get those screams of mine out my head.

But I also have that image of him on the bed.
The paramedics tucked his blanket round him. 
I need that image as he really and truly did look properly asleep for the first time in weeks. 
Somehow the massive swelling round his face and neck had almost disappeared to nothing and he looked like my most beautiful Valen again.

I need to get some techniques in place to see that 2nd image and not the first.

I to am going for a walk as it definitely does help. 
I’ll go along the prom today. Bracing but dry.

Thank you my forum family for all your love and hugs xxxxx