Just having a moment

Hugs coming at ya Mrs VT I'm not too bad today I think I've got over my `down` spell for a little while hopefully. I've been consulting with psychic online. She is very good. I always thought these people were just `cranks` and con merchants but this one I speak to she is very thorough and doesn't `sugarcoat` anything. Most of the things she told me was going to happen has whether its all coincidence or not I don't know but I needed something when I was going through Jay's (my husband) cancer journey as I was at a total loss and in denial that his cancer was terminal and he was dying. She didn't quite get the timing right about his passing. He passed in June last year (2023) she saw him lasting until September but in saying that she said it was a very slight possibility that he would last until then and couldn't say if he would see Christmas last year which he didn't.  

When my sister was going through her cancer diagnosis she said she would be ok and that her's was not as extensive as Jay's was. She is progressing well now with her recovery. So maybe I just landed a good one or as I say it's all coincidence but would like to think that there is something in it and she is genuine. I still go to her from time to time when I feel I need guided on something. Never been to a hypnotist before so can't comment on those but if you do go hope it works out for you. Take Care. 

Vicky x

Your horrific experience sounds so much like mine, I was also shouting at the paramedics telling them he is a neck breather, the oxygen mask they put on him wudnt have helped him, they have to open his stoma, he is not breathing. When the third crew arrived they ushered me out, it’s a tiny bathroom, I phoned and screamed at my daughter that he was dead. I don’t think I will ever forget that morning. Again he was so so peaceful lying on the bed, a good colour because we had been on holiday for a month and he was still warm because he had his heated body warmer on, they wrapped him up with a fluffy blanket he gave me with a hood, he looked lovely. Please oh please let me keep that memory and forget the bathroom one. Sending extra hugs today xxx

So I had a long talk this afternoon with a friend and tried to explain my feelings and memories and coping.

I told him that I have a huge storm cloud above me. A maelstrom of thunder and lightning of emotions, images, memories all swirling about in ebbs and flows and waves. 
And that I’m holding a tiny ineffectual umbrella. 
Then every once in a while I am able to push that brolly up and shelter me from some of the empty, gut wrenching, overwhelming horror and utter sadness. 
When I push that brolly up, even a tiny fraction, some happy, wonderful, warm memories fall down over me from inside.

He said “then one day that umbrella will become a parasol, radiating the good memories and love”.

That is an image my beautiful Valen would love and would say I can slowly get to. 

That umbrella may blow inside out from time to time. But I can accept that. 
But for now, the umbrella is up.

xxxx

That is so nice to think like that, I’m glad you had a friend like that. I also had a surprise today, my daughter and her family came to visit and brought the dinner, then a few hours later my son and family came down as well, i didn’t know anything about it. They made the dinner, tidied up what a lovely day. They have all gone home now and the emptiness is back, I need to get used to this. I’m  exhausted now, finishing off the wine and hoping I get a good sleep tonight. Sending hugs xxx 

That is so beautiful. The last three or four days have been easier. Something seems to have shifted, and I feel calmer and more settled in myself. I think it is because I have just gone with it, and not tried to repress any emotions or pain. I went to the pub last night with our son, and we actually enjoyed ourselves. We met a father and son that had just moved into the village, and it was their first night at our local. It was bizarre, his wife has passed a year ago in Spain from lung cancer. It was three months from start to finish. We just started chatting, and I explained that it was five months from start to finish. It was so fast, and it takes time to process and come to terms with everything. I started crying, and he just held me like my beautiful husband used to. It gave me hope that one day I could feel happy again. I don’t want anyone else in my life, but I do value my soul being at peace. Love and hugs to all. Xxx

Kate, Charlie and Mrs VT you are sending me to sleep with a smile on my face as a result of all your better days today. Hugs for whatever tomorrow brings xx

Today I’m feeling so sad, I know I shouldn’t have watched a Christmas film. I also received a letter from the DWP, saying I won’t get any extra in my state pension, I’m too old to get bereavement support and 1 year too young to get an entitlement of my husbands pension. It’s Sod’s Law with me, I’m not only grieving I’m going to struggle financially. I don’t qualify for anything. I’m a worrier, always have been. To top it all I’ve got a long lost step daughter coming after any money. Why are people so cruel? I’ve tried to keep busy today clearing out more cupboards but Sundays are so long, we used to go out for lunch and had a lovely Sunday. Feeling sorry for myself today again even after the lovely Saturday I had. I just wish this feeling would stop. Hugs to all xxx

So sorry you're feeling so sad - There must be something in the air today as I haven't been able to stop crying all day.  

Don't want to stay in, don't want to go out, my daughter is staying with me but don't really want to talk to her.

Like you I wish that this feeling would just go

You poor Darling, that sounds awful. It is so scary to have to try and navigate the financial side of things on your own. My adult children try and help, but they have never had to run a home. I won’t get my husband’s state pension either. I have another seven years before I get mine. I might have to downsize. I am having a horrible day, and am missing my beautiful man. I am on the verge of tears and keep welling up. I miss the security of him being at home, talking things through, holding hands and being loved. Hugs to all. Xxx

Hi Realale!

I get that. Some days too I feel like that I don't want to go out but I don't want to be home either. This still comes in little waves and I just hate the world but a few days later I'll be back to thinking that things aren't too bad. This is why I come on here because I can identify with a lot of the posts and it's good to know that I'm not the only one going through and feeling as I do. 

Vicky x