Just having a moment

I feel crap. 
So what’s new?

Just got off the phone to 1 of my brothers, who I don’t really speak to that often. 
He asked how am I doing? 
I said “not so good, not so bad. Good days, bad days” - my stock reply.

He said “I thought you were going to say you are doing badly, so glad you are doing ok”

I said “you didn’t hear me properly. Not so good, not so bad”

He said “well at least you are doing ok”

Lost it. Said how do you think I’m effing doing. I lost my soulmate, my heart, my life, my love. Of course I’m not effing ok. It’s only been 6 effing weeks. 

He got the tail end of my frustrating day which included a letter from Nationwide saying my beautiful Valen’s name has been removed from our joint accounts and the mortgage direct debit has been frozen. 
And the damn flash power mop stopped working. 
Its definitely not working now after I threw it across the room and a big chunk of plastic flew off!
Then I spilt coffee down my white fluffy dressing gown.

One of those days when nothing goes right and the tears just don’t stop. 
I say nothing has gone right, but I got a lovely big hug from my friend. 
She said nothing. 
I said nothing. 
We just hugged.

So spreading the hugs to you all xx

Sorry you are having a bad day, I finally got my energy company to change it into my name but like you I’m so sad as I went into his app and there is nothing there anymore. I drove to the shops in next town and I cried all the way, it’s as if something presses the cry button the minute I go in the car. I also baked some cakes for a coffee morning tomorrow Altho when I texted the lady who asked me to bake for it weeks ago, she is not answering me. Have I done this for nothing?  then smooth radio starts playing a love song, omg when will it stop. Tonight, brandy in hand, I’m so so tired, feel like my body has been kicked, I’ve no energy tonight. Thought I was doing ok today as I made a big pot of sauce to make lasagne tomorrow, how many slices for one will I get out of it?  will be eating lasagne out the freezer for months. I have two brothers, they don’t stay near me in fact no one stays near me, one sent me a text saying how sorry he was to hear about hubby passing, the other didn’t even do that, they didn’t come to the funeral either, I don’t really care anymore. My smart meters seems to be going a bit crazy tonight and I don’t have much on, my coal fire is on, no radiators on, no idea why its going up a bit too fast. My Ring alarm has stopped working as well. My daughter told me I should keep it on when I’m out and did it on my phone, when I got home yesterday I walked into the house and nothing happened, totally forgot it was on so it might have been like that for a while. I sound a bit pathetic tonight, maybe feeling sorry for myself, I don’t know. I had a few days of feeling good or so I thought. My friend was chatting to me for ages last night and said she is coming up to see me before Xmas so that should be something to look forward to. Imagine having someone in the house staying for a week maybe, maybe that’s just what I need, I feel I’m starting to talk to myself. Another Saturday morning to cope with again thats will be five weeks now. I’m rambling now, take care xx

You poor Darling, I really feel for you. To be honest, your day sounds horrendous. I think it is a combination of adrenaline still coursing through your system, exhaustion and generally feeling like you have gone bonkers with the grief. I was exactly the same, and it has only just improved in the last few days. (13 weeks in). My view was to just go with it, I didn’t give a sh.. and still don’t. It ebbed and flowed. Try and rest when you can. Even if it is a half hour nap, or crying yourself to sleep. Sending hugs and cuddles. Xxx

I don’t quite know what I want to say, other than I had similar from my brother. Granted, he and my husband hated each other! But in the circumstances, that was almost neither here nor there...I’m the one left behind.And my friend just held me in her arms and cooked me dinner... and checks in with me constantly, for very little reward!

You are amazing. You are not rambling. You’re dealing with so much and you’re coping. This is all so impossibly hard and you’re dealing with it. I absolutely get the days where it all seems to be coming together...and then it falls apart. It’s all fallen apart for me this evening after a few days where I thought I was on top of it... Despite still having to sort probate and bank accounts etc etc... xxxx

My brother just didn’t comprehend that some days I cannot leave the house, not capable to do so. 
He was literally “why”.

I get it. He wouldn’t know unless he was going through this. 
But I guess I expected some sympathy? Understanding?. 
Even if it’s fake?

Thank you Kate, I did eventually fall asleep on the couch, think I maybe did too much the last few days. I keep waking up every few hours instead of having a good sleep. Also I have lupus and I think I’m having a flare up, surprised it’s taken so long to come to my misery party as stress is a big factor to bring it on. I’m out in a rash as well so that could be why I feel the way I do.. bring it on! Will take it easy for a few days, at least I now know what it is. Xx

Thank you Daisy, I don’t feel amazing, feel like I’m in this bubble and can’t get out. Nothing getting done quick enough for me. Bills coming in and everything taking so long to sort out. Maybe once all this is sorted I will relax more. Your reply lifted my spirits, I will keep going and I will get through this, it’s just sometimes days are hard and nights are harder. Xx

I’m just the same my husband passed away in July 

So sorry to hear of your bad day. Your post resonated with me, having just finished my microwave curry for one.

I was due to have family visit today, but they called off, we I say they called off, but they never called.

I appear to have a cry button too, however i think mine is faulty, as it keeps going off at random, at any time of day or night. The reluctance of companies, like energy suppliers, supermarket loyalty cards etc to rename an account is unbelievable. It feels to me that they want to wipe my wife off the planet, like she never existed. I have decided to stop telling people for this week, as I am not coping well

Take care