Just having a moment

Hi, 

I was getting on this evening; doing the never ending DIY that he would normally help with! Ordered a takeaway - he was the one who did most of the cooking! - grabbed one of his ciders from the fridge and then all of a sudden I couldn't hear him in my head - if that makes sense to anyone! I chat to him whenever and suddenly I felt like I couldn't hear him/ find him and I went from being ok to sobbing by the fridge in a moment. It just completely took me unawares; as it often does to be honest. I'm trying to get back to doing more stuff at work and taking more on, and I think it just ends up being a bit too much and like I'm too far away from him and so this being hit in the guts by it happens. Point being, you are certainly not alone in how you are feeling and it's like never ending swings and roundabouts I find. And having a sorry me day is perfectly valid; I'm having many of them!! 

All the best to you. 

Hi

So sorry to hear that you're having a sad day, I have these all the time.  My loss is fairly recent though and I'm still in the admin phase, who knew there'd be so much paperwork!

My husband was the ultimate planner and as he wasn't supposed to die I am having to cancel concerts, sporting events, season tickets etc.  

The doctor said he'd be coming home at the end of October and that his lymphoma was clear, then 10 days later he was dead.

Its the constant what ifs for me, what if I'd been more assertive about his treatment, what if I'd insisted they wake him up, what if I'd understood his treatment more, did I do enough!

I hate feeling this way, it's the worse pain I've ever felt.

i also started losing my hair when he was diagnosed, I have two bald patches in my hairline now about the size of a penny.

sorry didn't mean to ramble on, but I have no one else to talk to at this time of night 

Realale, you have us to talk to and you are not rambling!

A well meaning person told me that what ifs are pointless and I shouldn’t dwell on them.

I had had enough of their trite quotes and “youll get over this” that I’m afraid I snapped at her that if her husband dies suddenly, in front of her eyes, when he was supposed to have months left, I’ll remind her not to ask what if. Until then, what if she leaves me alone to grieve in my own way.

I keep coming back to that line “it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all”. 
Sometimes I wish I had never experienced such deep, enveloping love so I did not have to feel such gut wrenching pain now. 
But that is a fleeting thought which I will only admit to on here.

 I get it. The pain is so horrendous, you never want to feel that pain again. The suffering is immense. I have said to my adult children, that I will never allow myself to love that deeply again. Nothing could come close to what we had, it doesn’t interest me at all. Sorry for the rant. The anger comes out now and then. Xxx

Hi Realale,

My wife was the planner, the financial guru, and general all round organiser, and I too am still overwhelmed by the amount of paperwork.

I cared for Jan (my wife) for 6 weeks up until the day she died. It was by far and a way the hardest thing I have ever done. And still I asked questions, both to the medical profession and of myself. What if anything else could I / should I have done.  Should I have been more insistent on investigating other treatments / going private?

I have researched her disease, and the liver function tests (LFT) which put an end to our hopes. Of course the consultants and nurses were right, there was nothing they could do. If we pushed for chemo, she would have been dead sooner and with a lot more pain on the way. So I am pretty sure (and the district nurses have complimented me) that my conduct and the way I cared for her was as much as I could have done. And I am sure you are in the same boat.

The hardest thing I had to deal with, with over 35 years first aid experience, was that we agreed a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) so I held her hand, kissed her and spoke to her as she died. I checked for a pulse and breaths but there was nothing. Deep inside I wanted to start CPR to keep her with me, but I know I couldn't.

Life without Jan is shiit (sorry for my language), but it is. I miss everything about her and am struggling. I had a counselling session yesterday which was helpful. But it was only half an hour, and doesn't happen again till next Wednesday. So 167.5 hours with no one to speak to, no one to encourage me, just emptiness and loneliness.

Stay strong, and keep coming back here. Might be in different stages, but the pain is shared between us all on here.

Stay stong

Too many people think that is the right things to say. I will never get over Jan, I will never forget her, or stop loving her.

I too have had those thoughts, that if I never loved her, i wouldn't be in the state I am in.

But then I remember the good times, the happy memories that I now treasure as they are all I have left. Like you, I feel bad for thinking those thoughts, and could never mention it to friends and family.

People who saw me care for her say that she was lucky to have me. But I was the lucky one.

I too have been snapping at people, and not always the ones who deserve it.

I too have made that statement to my grown up kids, and they keep telling me to have an open mind.

Been just a month, I don't think this is the right time to discuss it. Not that there ever is going to be a right time, as I will remain alone for the rest of my life. I can't go through this again, nor put anyone else through it

Hi there, I was doing so well today until I went into my husband Paul’s study. I needed his laptop charged as he has policy documents and other stuff on it. I was fine with that until I saw his lovely leather business case. He was a Business Trainer, and everything was organised in the way he liked it. His pens, business cards, notes and highlighters. He was very OCD, and everything had to be just right. For a moment, it was as though he was still here. I tried to stop the tears but couldn’t. They come from nowhere sometimes, and I just can’t seem stop them. Eventually, I calmed myself and spent the next three hours sorting out the sodding probate application with our daughter. I’m now having a nice glass of wine to try and relax. Xxx

So the little elder lady I met today is an 11yr old deaf terrier cross. 
She is adorable. 
But I hesitate as to her age. As she’s deaf she’d won’t come if I called her. 
And her back legs sometimes go under her. 
She is only going to have another few years and I think I couldn’t cope with her going while everything is so raw.

But I know I could make her last years so comfy and happy.

I have requested a meet at another centre with a 6yr old beagle cross next week. 
I’ll see how that goes.

As I said to my sister “ My heart says yes. My Valen head says she’s the first I’ve met, don’t jump”

Hi irq74

I am so sorry that you had to endure what you did.

i have been reaching out for counselling but unfortunately there seems to be a 12 month waiting list for most of them, so I'm going to join a group who meet at the local cafe, but that's not for a month.

i fortunately do have a strong support network but it doesn't feel like it's enough, it won't bring my husband back and sometimes I feel people make it worse, telling me how special he was, how lovely he was, how much he loved me, it somehow makes it harder.

I understand your struggle and I totally agree it's shit!