I’m heartbroken

Hello Florence. I hope that, if you went to the opening night of the opera, it was a positive experience. How lovely that the priest thought of you xx

2 hours and 40 minutes it will be 5 weeks. 
Sometimes feels like 5 days, overs longer. 
I can’t understand that he is not going to text to say he is on the train home. 
Or get my head round that he isn’t in his home office. 
Or accept that he hasn’t just gone to the loo.

its the utter rawness and despair and horror and finality and unfairness and everything.

I’ve run out of tissues so using one of his t.shirts to cry into.

I know I won’t sleep, even fitfully, so not bothering with bed.

I now know from bitter experience that I will be better at 10ish. 
Maybe I should go for my walk earlier.

Anyway, what a downer of message. 
Hopefully I can post a better message after my walk.

hugs to you all ️

Hi Mrs VT, it’s so so sad that we will never see our lovely husbands again. I keep waiting on a text from him, we would always tell each other where we were, I miss our chats so much, I still can’t believe it either. His funeral went well yesterday, everyone said what a wonderful service. I was doing so well till the photo tribute to him started, between the music and seeing all the pictures I picked throughout our marriage was too much for me, I sobbed my heart out. My daughter said a tribute to him which was so nice. I’m glad it’s over with now but  still left with the deep sadness that he is no longer here. What on earth am I going to do with my life now. I stayed at my daughters after the funeral so here am I in a single bed sobbing again, can’t sleep, wishing it was time to get up and for what, I will be going back to an empty house with no food in it apart from biscuits. Yesterday Facebook was flooded with pictures of him and such nice messages for him. Today will be so different. My friends talked me into going to their Xmas night out in December which I agreed as previously I sad it was too far for me to travel. One of them picking me up at the railway station and I’m staying the night with one that lost her husband a few years ago.  I know I will have to push myself now and do things a bit differently. My grandson who is 11 didn’t attend the funeral but told his mum to say to his Grandpa that he loved him , I heard my daughter say that when the coffin was brought in. Oh gosh so sad, she said it again passing it on the way out. The coffin stayed in the room all the time but with a curtain around it so it was still visible. On the way back to the tea, the driver almost hit a baby deer which just ran out in the road in front of us, he slammed on his brakes, it was a bit surreal, The crematorium was in the middle of nowhere out in the country with hills all around him. His ashes will be scattered there. He was a country man through and through, I used to say he was born old as he roamed about the hills, fishing, walking etc and not doing things teenage boys would do, he will be at home now. 
Well I hope I’ve not depressed you too much Mrs VT but maybe we can get through the next few weeks supporting each other. I had a collection at the funeral for McMillan and raised £250 which I thought was lovely, they have supported us both through my husbands cancer treatment which was gruelling for him especially after a 14 hour surgery. I could call them, which I did, for advice and support. Thank you McMillan Nurses especially Marie and Julie xx

Dear MrsVT, I am so sorry for everything you are going through and I totally agree with every word of your message.  I am at 2 weeks and 5 days.  Every day I feel complete disbelief that this has happened to us and that he's not going to just text me or come home.  My new awful thing this week is getting lots of really clear flashbacks of him really unwell towards the end, although happy memories aren't any comfort yet either as it just reminds me of being stolen of our future life together and we won't make any new memories.  I have been doing pointless things like moving pictures around the house to make things look a bit different in case it helps for some insane reason.  I am still sleeping on the couch just can't face the bedroom.  I know its early days for us but I just can't see how this gets any easier.  Keeping busy is too much of an effort most days so I watch a lot of pointless tv.  People keep saying I am spending too much time alone but they don't seem to get that I am not lonely I miss HIM and sometimes talking to others feels such an effort.  I have also been trying walks although need to go on new ones so they don't upset me that I'm now alone.  I hope both our days can improve and send much love and support to you xx

Charlie, I’m so glad it went well yesterday. 
I think that Valen’s funeral and celebration of him drummed into my head that this is real, final and not a nightmare. 
Into my head not my heart. 

Today was pretty hard. My walk in the woods was alright. 
I thought it might not be so bad. 
But in town I saw a friend of ours who unfortunately went on and on about how strong I am being and how great that I am getting out. And how proud he would be of how I am coping.
Well I dont have a flipping choice. 
I don’t want him to be proud. 
I want him.

I got home about 1 and have been sitting crying off and on since then. 
Just the disbelief that this has happened and won’t change. 
Our new normal. New way of living / surviving. New way of doing things.

I know it will get easier at some point. 
That’s something to hold onto I guess.

Back to Yorkshire Auction House. 

Hugs to all x

Kaf, so so true about the memories. 
I don’t want those desperately traumatic memories of his last few hours and sudden passing the way he did. 
I want the softly happy memories.

And it’s not insane to change things around. 
I’ve changed where things are kept in the kitchen cupboards. 
Pointless as all I’ve done is confuse myself!!  

I also get about the effort to talk to people sometimes. 
Im exhausted enough as it is, without the effort of pretending to be ok to the majority of people. 
I’m glad I have my sister and a couple of really good friends that i can be not alright with.

And this forum is a wonderful safe place for us all to be our true selves and express our real feelings.

️

I keep thinking that it has been all a nightmare, I will wake up and none of this has happened. I’m so up and down I can’t explain it. I was so strong yesterday (well almost) today when I got home,  I broke down, can’t stop crying. Had to go and pick up his heated body warmer which he died in from the funeral parlour. I’ve cried all night, I did take a dinner out my freezer this morning but guess what, it’s still in the fridge, can’t eat, would love a cuppa but can’t be bothered to make it. I might have some of the brandy he bought me but I know it’s not the answer, I thought it would be easier after the funeral and if I hear someone saying I’m doing so well I might scream. I’m trying to be normal in front of my family as I don’t want them to worry, this will be me alone all weekend again and I’m dreading tomorrow as I’ve to go for my covid and flu jab tomorrow. I don’t even want to go but my haematologist always asks me if I’ve had it. Got an appointment with her next week and she usually asks how my hubby is as he came with me to every appointment when going through cancer treatment. I’m sorry I’m just having a bad night, maybe I will be ok after my brandy. I’m sitting in the dark, cold as I’ve not lit the fire tonight and dreading the long night ahead. Sending hugs as well ️xx️

Hi Daisy,

Thanks for your thoughts. Yes it was lovely and all very glamourous last night although the opera as dark and as tragic as it gets!

I haven't been back to my husband's grave but I plan to go on Saturday for All Saint's day and put some wild flowers on it like you. When I mentioned to the priest I hadn't been back he just casually said, 'Ah I was at Egon's grave this morning'. Yes, I think something about my husband and us, none of us whom he had never met before, must have struck him at the funeral and now I feel he is a friend who is at the cemetery quite a lot and remembers my husband and us when he is there.

I saw you said you had no ceremony for your husnand. We had hired the little Church in the Cemetery but as it was only myself and my son attending we did not use it in the end but met the hearse at the door and walked with the priest to the grave where we all said some words. My daughter stayed at home and cooked the three of us a post funeral dinner. My husband would have been proud that we had kept it so simple. My husband performed almost every day of his life  - he came in to the hospital after a performance (he collapsed on the way home) - so we did not feel the need for the funeral to be performative.

Take care in these early days for you,

Love Florence

Hi KAF, I’m so sorry you are also going through this, Tonight.  I’ve been replaying the awful morning he died. Could I have done more? If I’d went through sooner to see what he was doing, everyone keeps telling me to stop the “what ifs” but for some reason tonight I kept help thinking about it. Didn’t help that I watched a prog on the control centre for ambulances, I know the call I made would have been a category 1 call, I shouldn’t have watched it. I’m hoping tomorrow is a better day as today has been bad day. Is it going to be like this all the time, is this our new normal. I’m just so fed up, I’m not going to do anything stupid as I wouldn’t put my family through what I’m going through, I just hope I don’t have a reaction tomorrow with getting my vac jabs in morning, that’s if I go. We always went together. I’ve been avoiding going into our small town as everyone knows everyone. This is a hurdle I really have to get over, I’m bound to meet someone. Do you also get the feeling some folk are avoiding coming near you, maybe it’s just me, I can’t be bothered chatting to anyone anyway. Brandy here I come to get you, just the one, it might help me sleep. Sending hugs to you as well xxx

Ah dear Charlie, I am thinking of you. Maybe this is what your husband unconsciously or someway spiritually bought you the brandy for - to have it during this harsh, cold week after his funeral. I had a bottle of Japanese single malt whiskey in the house that helped me after the funeral. I had never had this whiskey before and all the aromas felt restorative, calming me by stopping my mind swirling with the 'what ifs' and for a moment being present in the moment and thinking about this spirit I was smelling instead.

If you need to cancel the flu/covid jab do so. You can always go in a few weeks time. If I could go back and tell myself anything it would be to slow, slow down and not to do anything I didn't want to do. This might just be too much hassle for you now.

Do try and get what sleep you can, wherever, or at any time of the day you can. Don't stress if it is not during the night or in your bed. Sleep will give you the strength just to be and to calm your mind and to quietly feel whatever you need to about your beautiful husband and your love for each other. Also do try your best to eat whatever nutritious and nourishing foods or drinks you can as this is also calming and will slow your mind down.

Sadly people do avoid people who are grieving and we only find out this when we are grieving...and they can be people we were even very close to. My experience is we are very alone with our grief. This is a strange and new experience for most of us but I think good will come out of it.

Love Florence