I’m heartbroken

Well here am I, 23 days in now till that horrendous morning and my life changed instantly. Funeral in 2 days time, it’s really real now and I feel very strange and somewhat calm. Friends are coming up from down south and coming to see me tomorrow. I went on the bus to the bank and passed the crematorium, I closed my eyes and I was fine. I had to do this last week and cried my eyes out on the bus when I passed it, luckily I looked round and I was the only one on the bus, I felt like I was in a dream. I met a neighbour today as well and didn’t cry like I did last week when one stopped her car. What has happened to me? I am wondering  if I should try and go to my bed tonight as I’ve been sleeping on the couch since it happened. This is the strangest feeling I’ve had since it happened. Has this happened to anyone else?

Charlie

I think I was so calm the day before and day of as I had so much to do, people to talk to and was fully occupied.

I didn’t really feel much until my beautiful Valen was first carried into the church. 
Then I just gut sobbed at the reality.

The rest of the day was pretty much a blur. 
But it was during his celebration of life afterwards, when everyone was talking so genuinely of their love for my husband that I was able to cry happy tears.

With regards to going to your bed rather than couch. 
If you feel ready try it. 
If you need to get ack to the couch after 5 minutes or an hour do so. 
That’s how I did it. I went and lay on the bed in the daytime for 15 minutes. Then an hour. 
Then I managed half an hour at night.

There’s no right or wrong and everyone is different. 
Talking to my neighbour who lost her husband earlier in the year, she went to their bed that first night and never had an issue.

I will be thinking of you x

Thank you so much for replying, I’m in the bed, almost got up as I keep waking up every hour but I’m still here reading my book, still quite calm, I can’t believe it, I want to give him a good send off and I’m determined to do so. Yesterday I brought in logs from the log shed, filled the buckets with coal which will keep me going for a few days. He loved when his fire was blazing and it’s somthing I am  learning to do now. I’m praying this inner strength will keep going for the next few days, I even made a sandwich as well as my biscuits. Take care xx

I will be thinking of you, I slept on the sofa for weeks after my husband died, and eventually i made it back upstairs, although i still spend odd nights on the sofa, in fact i did last night, and it was one of the best nights i slept for ages. Take care.x

Charlie xx

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Sending you strength. Kate.xxx

Dear Charlie. Thinking of you and sending strength and a big hug xx

Thank you so much xx

Charlie thinking of you today and in these days post funeral. It is already a funereal atmosphere this week with Halloween and All Saint's and All Soul's Day.

Keeping the log fires burning seems such a joyous thing to be doing and such a restorative and healing thing for you and must connect you so much with your husband who had already chopped and left these ready for you.

Tonight I have been invited out to the Opening Night of an opera by the priest who officiated my husband's funeral in February. We only met for the first time then as he was booked by the cemetery but as my husband was a performer and my son an actor he thought of us this week when he had a spare ticket. I haven't seen the priest since the Funeral so I feel sort of strangely revisiting funeral week again too.

Thinking of you healing and reading by your lovely log fire in the days ahead.

Love Florence