I’m heartbroken

Well Charlie, I joined you in a brandy as we had got a bottle for Christmas. 
And as I won’t be celebrating this year, I can have a brandy on the odd occasion!

So I raised a small glass to all of our adored and beloved ones who have been ripped from our sides far, far to soon.

Dear Charlie. I hope sitting with your lovely brandy soothed you just a little bit. I know how you feel with the ‘you’re doing so well/being so strong’ comments. I think people just want to say something kind, when there is nothing that they can say that will actually help.

I sat in the near dark too - a fuse went and I lost the lights. I couldn’t face traipsing down to the basement and trying to sort it, so I made do with fairy lights! Maybe I’ll light a fire tomorrow, we had a fire every day virtually come rain or shine, as I used to cook using it too. But, since he died in June I have lit it just one time, when my parents were here. I tell myself it’s because it’s not cold, but it’s because I associate the fire and the wood with our ‘old’ life. 
Sending you a big hug for a better day today.

Thank you Daisy, I did sleep a little bit better, a new day awaits, going to get my flu and covid jabs this morning, and try and go to shops to get some food, I don’t drink milk but my milk seems to go out of date as no one here to drink it. Must buy smaller ones, just in case I get a visitor ha ha, not had any yet apart from my daughter. Maybe we can both light our fires today, my house is getting so cold, I need to cheer it up and maybe it will cheer me up. That fire reminds me so much of my lovely husband, he kept it going and it was his domain. Hope you have a better day as well xx

That is so nice, the brandy is helping me but don’t want it to finish as it’s the last thing he bought me on the day he died .Christmas is going to be so hard this year, my daughter has told me I’ve to go and stay at her house over  Christmas. She is having all the family over, I know she means well, but it’s going to be so hard staying cheery, but I guess I will have to put on my brave happy face for the sake of the children. New year was more my husbands thing, he cracked open a nice bottle of whisky every year and we usually went to a party at his club. Wish I could fast forward into January. Take care and cheers with the brandy. Xx 

Thank you Florence, I did go for my jabs, saw one of my neighbours coming in the door as I was sitting for my ten minutes that the nurses told me. I made my escape quickly, back home now. I’m going to brave the supermarket now, not a local one so I should be ok there. I think I need to cook a big pot of mashed potatoes and freeze them or they are all going to be binned. That’s my task when I get home. I seem to get worse as the day goes on, maybe loneliness sets in later. Just wish I had friends nearby, started clearing out my wardrobe as Im seriously thinking about moving, even cupboards are getting cleared. Maybe my sub conscious is telling me I’m going to move and is getting me prepared. I can’t stand being in this house without him. I hope some good comes out of this, take care Florence xx

Lots of hugs and  thinking of you.

Christmas.

1st November. 
Today is the day we would start taste testing the mince pies ready for the big day. 
He loved Christmas. Not over the top decorations, but plentiful. Indoors and out. 

Hate seeing all the decorations and cards in the shops. 
Christmas jumpers.

Im spending Christmas Day and Boxing Day with my mum who though she likes Christmas isn’t that bothered at 89. 
Christmas Eve I’m helping at a friends cafe to prepare food for when she opens her doors to those on their own or who can’t afford Christmas on the day itself. 
Mum and I will pop in to help serve (me) and chat (mum).

So a glimmer of good from all of this badness.

Hugs to all x

That’s a lovely thing to do. When I first met my husband he had been on his own for a long time, I don’t think he even put up a single decoration, he spent it with his mum who had dementia. It took many years to change him, last year he went over the top on the outside lights, bought the brightest flashing star for the top of the tree and just basically went mad, he loved putting lights up, even our back garden got new lights round the fence for all year. I can’t even get up to our loft so no idea what I will do, maybe looking at the trashy flashing star will put a smile on my face. Just can’t bear the thought of everyone being merry. I took down all the sympathy cards yesterday, I still couldn’t read them, way too sad. I just want happy memories but they are still being clouded with the sadness I’m feeling. Another day nearly over. I did go to a supermarket today. Bought some nice soup which I had a small amount and a few cuppa soups and more ready meals for one. I still shudnt be driving as I keep dreaming and end up crying. Tomorrow I’m jumping on a bus and going a wander to get out the house. Coffee and cake for one but it’s a start. Take care xx

Dear Charlie,

So glad you got to get your jabs and to the supermarket and hopefully enjoyed your coffee and cake today and have brandy left for later.

The day after my husband's funeral I went to my mother's in Venice for a week as I hadn't been able to travel to see her during the four months of my husband's illness and then in the month up to his funeral in London naturally. She is 87 and had a broken bone at the time due to her Oestophorus. That visit was fine but when I came back I was ill for a month so I barely left the house other than for doctor's appointments. In a way I was so ill in that month I couldn't even grieve as I was in a  lot of physical pain.

The loss of our 'other halves', 'soulmates', 'partner in crime'. I don't think I had slowed down to appreciate what romantic love or any of these terms meant until now. I am an Aries - so renown for being busy and on to the next thing and maybe this is why my husband was attracted to me and we were together in the first place. But now I do ponder the 'what ifs' of if I had slowed down and 'smelled the roses' more. Poignantly life had just started to slow down and become stable with our children settled post university - it was the first year both had left home and were stable in their chosen careers - so life was reverting to being about the two of us alone again...sadly this time was too short.

Just some thoughts.

Take care and love to everyone here at different stages in their grief, xx Florence

We were both Pisces and I would say we were very true to the sign, sensitive, caring and very loving. I was even sad after I got divorced about 13 years ago but it was nothing like this pain, I need my soulmate back and it’s not going to happen. I hope you are a lot better now and let yourself have time to grieve. I guess we were lucky to have our soulmate even if it was for a shorter time Than I would have liked. Everyone keeps telling me I’m a strong person and I will get through this. But it’s so so hard. I know we will get through it but when I don’t know yet. Take care xx