I’m heartbroken

That’s awful, people are so weird. I hope they get the same treatment if it ever happens to them. You certainly find out who your true friends are in this horrendous time of your life. Sending hugs xx

Taking the big box of the fentanyl, morphine and all the rest of the medications back to the pharmacy was the hardest thing I’ve done. I did it about a month after he died and I thought it would be fine, but as I handed it over I burst into tears and cried in a way I hadn’t done before and haven’t done since.

The drugs had been/became such a major part of his last months that handing them over was almost like giving him away, if you see what I mean. It sent me into a bit of a downward spiral for a while. So much so that I haven’t yet been able to deal with the huge boxes of stoma bags, piccline kits etc etc. All unopened and potentially useful for someone else. I asked at my pharmacy and they say that they can give them to charities even though they can’t take them back properly. Maybe you can ask if that’s possible? 
Sending you a big hug from me.

Hi Charlie,

I too am doing 1 of his drawers and 1 of mine at the same time and yes, it doesn’t seem quite so bloody awful. 
Though some of his clothes I put straight back with a huge gulp of breath as they bring such a vivid image of him wearing them. I’ll keep them till I’m ready some time down the road.
Im doing the same with the books and DVDS. His and mine at the same time, shelf by shelf.
Im taking the DVDS to our local exchange shop and getting vouchers so I can get one of those revolving photo box things for our pictures. 
I found a USB memory stick with some pictures I thought were lost as I can’t get into his MacBook. Apple said they can’t help without his password / passkey. 
So I can’t get into his MacBook, iPhone or iPad. 

By the way, I’m 7 weeks in and still haven’t changed the bottom sheet. 
For some odd reason I was fine with the top sheet, but not the bottom and definitely not the pillow case.

I work (worked? Can’t actually see myself going back to this job) in a GP surgery and we had masses of out of date masks we couldn’t use after the initial Covid outbreaks.
I took them to Oxfam as they were able to send them abroad where people aren’t so picky as the CQC about an unsealed box of mask a few months out of date. 
Maybe check with them.

When my beautiful Valen was told he only had a short time we had a discussion about me and work after he left me. 
He dearly wanted me to look long and hard at what I really truly want to do. 
He knew I hated travelling 40 mins to and from work to place I no longer enjoyed being. 
And he asked that I find something closer t9 home. 
He didn’t like the thought of me travelling in all weathers, getting stuck, bus strikes etc etc. 

I have been signed off till end December and I will start looking for a new job closer to home, even if just temporary.

xx

I don’t feel so bad about the bed now lol, I’m only ever in it for  a short time, but the pillow case is different, I don’t think I will ever wash it. I’m retired now but I wish I could go out to work to be with other people, I loved it when I retired as I travelled for an hour to get to work, I still can’t drive, it sets me off every time I go in the car, if anyone saw me they would think I’m nuts. I drive ten minutes only to get to Tesco and that’s as far as I go. Hubby always worried about me being in the car myself, he set up a hands free system so he could talk to me to keep me company, when I’m on the train I used to tell him I’m nearly home, I miss talking to him, texting him, now I’m crying thinking about it again. I now have a step daughter whom she chose never to see her father again sending me letters saying she is claiming on his estate, he gave up trying 40 years ago to see her,  so this was a shock for me. I really don’t need this in my life hence having to spend more money on a lawyer now. But today I’m not letting her stress me out anymore. If I did die in the next few months she would get a share of my house. I’m in the process of getting it changed over to my name even although we had it in joint names. We thought we had everything in place when we made our Will and power of attorney but seems we didn’t. I’m not letting her get to me. Death and money brings out the worst in people. I’m shocked by her actions.

I can’t even go into our local pharmacy, he was so friendly with all the staff in there. I’ve started taking my prescriptions to another chemist. I would probably do the same as you. Xx

Hmm! Yes I get you on that too. 

Grief is a terrible thing and no two people experience it the same. As they say you have to experience it first hand to know exactly how it is going to affect you. You may become the `ray of sunshine `again at some point hopefully, but grief can change a person and hopefully your friends will realise this. People can get the impression that if they see you out and about you're fine and back to normal- whatever `normal` is but that's not always the case. The `how are you's` `anything you need` and `we're here for you's` all stop after a while as does the phone stop ringing and people just go back to living their lives again but for people like us it is hard. All the rituals and routines you had as a couple are all gone now and slowly you need find new ways of pushing forward on your own. 

Some days it still takes me all my time to get out of bed because I seriously wonder what I am getting up for. One reason is my little dog he needs to be fed and watered so he is one reason and if I didn't have him I don't think I would go out at all. I try to keep myself busy but as you say that emptiness is still there I just hope it fades in time. I have my sister and my son and his partner and my little granddaughter so I still have people who need me and I think that itself keeps me going for now. I wish you well moving forward. Take Care. 

Vicky xx

I had a whole lot of nutritional pots and feeding sets: hugely relieved when the organisation (Abbott H2H) that supplied them also arranged to collect them.