I’m heartbroken

It seems a difficult day for all of us which makes me so sad.  although the fact that our feelings are so similar does at least make me feel i'm not going crazy so i thank you all for sharing.  i also wander around the house.  i keep moving pictures around to change the look a bit, which is probably pointless.  i do have a friend coming round on thursday to help me with some things in the house i can't do myself.  i particularly want the handrail taken down from the stairs that the Hospice arranged for us as its upsetting seeing it every day and it needs an electric drill and i can't do it myself.  it was actually installed the day after the last time he managed to walk downstairs so was too late, although we didnt know that at the time.  we were in the bedroom the rest of the time until we went to the Hospice. 

i just wish so much that we were not going through this terrible trauma. it really is unimaginably painful xx

I'm just so incredibly hurting i can't put it into words xx

Hello KAF Charlie, MrsVT,

Sorry to hear everyone is experiencing these down and dark days. I agree with MrsVT that Kaf you might be run down or deficient in something. I've said it on the forum before but I was in bed for a month after my husband's funeral and it was a deficiency in Vitamin D that was the problem in the end. After a month ill I went for blood tests. I was put on a high dosage of Vitamin D for 6 weeks and now take the D3+K2 spray that Sainsbury's stocks. Certainly we didn't have much sun for the last few months. So lack of sleep, fluids, nutrition, exercise, fresh air etc will affect us too.

Kaf, definitely experienced the friends sort of disappearing. I think it is too much emotionally for many who are going through their own and various other struggles. Also I was usually an outgoing person and to my friends they had never seen me so withdrawn and different - my whole personality changed anyway. As my husband was quiet I could be outgoing as I had his quiet presence behind me and now he is not here I've become more like him - if he could see me! Well he does see me! 

Charlie, it's such, such early days for you still and this is a tough time now coming up with a First Christmas for us all. I think this one step forward and two back is all still part of the process - it is still a few forward days in a week. We just need to count all the good days and maybe they come about because of the bad days.

MrsVT hope you enjoy your Pie and Mash event and glad you have these friends thinking of Valen.

Love to all. Look after yourselves as best as possible

Florence x

Hi KAF2023

I get you with the handrails and everything. I live in a flat and it's a main door flat with stairs leading up to it. We put a handrail in ourselves a few years back when my husband was ok but once his mobility went we got the district nurses OT and physio out and they decided that we needed another one on the other side of the stairs so arranged for one to be fitted but it's dressed pine and been actually fitted on to the wall it's actually useful because my older sister who has just got over a cancer diagnosis is still recovering and her mobility is still a bit slow so they help for her to get up the stairs. I also have a grab rail at the top of the stairs and outside the front door we have two steps and two metal rails were fitted there one either side. They don't actually bother me but I get what you mean I sometimes look at them and remember Jay (my hubby) and how I just think what a waste of time it was getting these in because in the end he became bedridden before going into hospital and never really got the use of them. He was getting physio for his mobility and was progressing slightly but his cancer really took a grip in the later stages so he just became confined to bed. When he passed I got rid of all his walking aids first off. They gave him a rolator (walking frame on wheels) a static walking frame and a shower seat so those were the first things I got rid of when he passed. I still have the grab rails in my shower too but they are fixed with suction cups so they can just be pulled off. They wanted to fix ones there but we didn't want the tiles drilled and so we got these grab rails ourselves.  But they're there and still serve a purpose for my sister if she stays over with me and has a shower. 

Yes I've tried changing things too adding little things here and there but nothing is the same the whole house just needs a refurb I think but I don't have the incentive or funds for that matter to do it just now and I feel if I do something major just now I will just rush into it without thinking and it could turn out worse than it is just now. People say when someone passes you should try to change things to your way but I think you have to be in the right frame of mind to do it and I think I'm just not ready yet he's been gone 17 months now so hopefully maybe sometime next year I will be in a better frame of mind to think about these things. My best wishes to you moving forward. 

Vicky x

The first thing I did after my husbands sudden death was getting rid of all his medical stuff. I was manic, anything lying about I had to pack up, his nebuliser was always on the floor in living room and honestly there was so much stuff in every room especially the bathroom, we were just back from holiday so there was a big medical bag as well. Every single thing had to go. I wanted to remember him before his surgery and cancer. I did this only to get another package the next day for more supplies. Strangely enough its still in the spare room, i may know someone that may use it  but it’s a shame they won’t take anything back when it’s a prescription. I had loads of those ensure drinks which I spent hours opening them and pouring them out, washing the bottles and putting in the recycle bin. Such a waste but chemist couldn’t take them back. I still have a big bag of medication that I have to take to a pharmacy to get rid of. It’s strange how we have had to do this, maybe it’s part of the grieving  process. Who knows. Sending hugs to everyone xx

Oh I'm the same Charlie

When Jay passed I had boxes of colostomy bags, urine bags etc I asked the hospital and our local health centre if they wanted them because the majority of them were still boxed and unused but they said no because of risk of contamination think this is the thing now since covid and so I had to take them to the local refuse and just dispose of them what a waste considering the NHS are saying they are in short supply of equipment and supplies. To this day I am still finding the odd urine bag in a drawer or colostomy bag. I have emptied out a few drawers including the ones that I kept all these things in but obviously just a few got missed down at the bottom. Take Care.

xx

Hi, the handrail came down today which was a relief.  all the big medical things have been returned and smaller things are hidden away in cupboards.  all his clothes and things are still away in their place as i just can't face going through anything.  tried again to sleep in the bedroom tonight but laid there for a couple of hours just feeling miserable without him and crying and almost thought i was going to have a panic attack so have got up again and am back downstairs on the trusty sofa with a calming camomile tea.  i feel so tired but just can't properly sleep.  maybe tomorrow i'll try 2 of the sleeping tablets the GP gave me.  i've had a few friends saying i used to be the ray of sunshine person they all relied upon to cheer them up.  sadly now i'm in need of that in return quite a few just can't seem to cope with it, or just aren't interested.  i'm getting "let me know when you feel like going out again" as though they're just waiting it out.  maybe i'm being harsh but i do think a lot of people are very uncomfortable with grief.  the few friends that are being supportive and are coming round to see me i cherish even more than before, i guess situations like this really make you see who you can rely on in life.  i know its pointless to keep saying it but i still just cannot believe he is really gone.  its so hard to keep battling on when there appears nothing to look forward to and i miss him so very much.  sending love and strength to everyone xx

Hi, I slept on the couch for about four weeks, I couldnt bear to be in the bed. The indentations of his body were still on the bed where the paramedics laid him, I still havnt changed the bedding on the bed yet. 5 weeks in now.  Maybe I will do that today. I now get comfort being in the bed again but miss him so much. Like you I just can’t see anything to look forward to anymore, every day is so long. I’ve started clearing out cupboards and clothes but as I’m going through his things I’m also doing my wardrobe as well. It doesn’t feel as bad. I aim to do one thing a day. My friends have all been supportive but I have to travel to see them or I get texts a lot. I don’t have friends where I live so don’t see anyone for days unless I go to them. I make myself go on a bus and go for a coffee just to get out. I may take a trip to Tesco today. I’m not eating well, I lived off Jaffa cakes for the first few weeks so much so, my daughter came and took me to her house to stay a few nights. I couldn’t see the point making food when I wasn’t hungry. My next door neighbour hasn’t said anything to me and I had to chap the door to see if he had a parcel that was left. My ring doorbell not working. He must known as the street was full of ambulances then police then undertakers. People are very strange. When I was brave enough to walk up our very small town, people did ignore me. It’s very sad. Sending you hugs xxx

I agree it is such a waste, I havnt even opened the last large box of stuff that came a few days after he died. The driver wouldn’t return it. Everything is in boxes, even his new hands free HME which is expensive. He had a laryngectomy last year, I keep finding his wee buttons for his stoma everywhere, in pockets, drawers, even his garage. Such a waste. Xx

People can be so cruel and strange. I have had one person completely ignore me, as if I didn’t exist. This so called ‘friend’, posted a picture of a coffin on my husband’s football chat group. He knew he was terminal at that time. My husband was very upset about this, and came off the group. It is very hard not to say something cutting. Maybe they think death is catching. Sending you hugs. Xxx