I’m heartbroken

I’m so pleased that you had a pretty good day, I thought I was having a good day but missed my train so decided to go back home and go on the bus to get out the house, missed it by a minute so walked back into the house as next bus was two hours away on a Sunday. Sat and watched some Xmas movies and cried a lot, only had soup today and Jaffa cakes. I did make a big pot of mashed potatoes yesterday though as if I didn’t I would have had to throw them out. I have little bags of mash but nothing to go with them. That might be another trip to shops but even mash with some cheese would be better than I have been eating lately, Bingeing on another Xmas movie and more crying then I’m off to bed, I get to sleep ok but still wake up too early, maybe I have to try and stay up a bit longer. Brandy is calling me again. Hope you have another pretty good day, I will get on that bus tomorrow. Take care xx

I had a really big wobble and almost left it all. 
I decided to rake the leaves and had just started. 
But raking was one of the last videos my darling made for me. 
It’s the last one he made where he is relatively healthy looking with a near normal voice. 
I just stood holding the rake, trying to feel his hands on it, trying to absorb him and crying.

Cant face mowing as this was his 2nd to last video and watching it back he looks and sounds bloody awful. 
I’ll get a friend to do that.

Pleased that I stayed out and carried on.

xx

It sounds like you live fairly remotely? 
I am very lucky that where I am is a small town and I have numerous shops all in walking distance. 
And of course mums larder! 
We had stocked up on tins of soups as that was all my darling Valen could eat in the end. So at least I have plenty.

I can’t face the Christmas movies. He would always tease me about the Christmas movie channels starting earlier each year! 
If I started flicking through the movie channels and hovered over a Christmas one before December he would be “No!” 

Im hoping that with all the fresh air today, and eating something more substantial than tortillas or biscuits or quavers I may sleep a little better. 
I’m not getting to bed till about 2am, though I stretch out on the sofa and have 10 or 15 mins nap in the late afternoon. 

Hope you get out ok tomorrow 

xx

Hi, I fell asleep on the couch and woke up in a panic as the end of the movie was playing music and I hadn’t a clue where I was, then I remembered and the pain started again. I managed to get back to sleep in my bed but here am I at 4.00am wide awake now, this is the time hubby came to bed as he didn’t need a lot of sleep, a few hours and that was him up again. I bought a nice Tesco Finest leek,potato and cheddar soup last week, I had a small plate every day, I really enjoyed it and didn’t take much effort to do. Must go back and even do an online shop and get some more. We have a cupboard Bursting with tins etc as hubby was a hoarder. If he thought tomatoes were going to be in short supply he would buy a whole carton from Amazon. My cupboard has tons of tinned tomato’s lol. He had diffIculty eating so tins of beans were another thing he could eat and stocked up on. I can’t eat beans, I must give my daughter them, must have about 10 tins of them. I have two full cartons of tissues as he went through a box every few days. I won’t have to buy hankies for years lol. Going to get up, have a hot choc and read my book, hopefully get back to sleep. Have a good day MrsVT  xx

Oh Daisy,

crash I did!

From the moment I woke up at 4.30 I struggled. 
Empty his side of bed. 
Crying brushing teeth. 
Sainsbury - Christmas decorations cry followed by baba ganoush cry (he did love babu ganoush). 
Drive home had to pull over when we got to a certain spot where he would start his voice and mouth exercises on way home from radiotherapy. 
Walk into town over the railway bridge - train just going under - we would stop and wave. 
Walk home from town - ambulance- brought back memories of his last few hours. 
Stopped off at mums, she was struggling today.

Almost home. My neighbour whose husband passed away 5ish months ago from cancer (he had unexpected diagnosis and went within 2 months) was gardening. 
I hadn’t really seen her much since my darling Valen left, but stopped as was crying coming round corner in anticipation of an empty, silent home. 
We had a lovely chat, cry, hugs, laugh.

Home and sat on his side of bed with his photo. Rocked with sobs for about half hour. Every time I subsided I couldn’t help reliving his final moments and the first few hours after he went with the HEMS, paramedics, police, hotel staff and my sister.

I cried myself to a fitful hours sleep. 
Woke up to a burst blood vessel in my eye, so my right is lovely and red!

However, though today has been bloody awful, I had it after a good day yesterday.

This is a long post!!

Hugs to all xx

Oh MrsVT, it’s so so unfare, I also keep going over and over that horrible day, when I think I’m getting better, wham that feeling is back. I went for a tea and cheese scone today and my phone rang, it was a woman we usually see on holiday, she lives quite near me. She was asking how I am and starting saying it was the nicest service she had ever been at, that started me in the middle of a busy shop. She was asking me what happened to him. Anyway my tea was cold by the time she finished talking. My good day just turned bad. I have a gut allergy and lo and behold I didn’t feel well tonight, my lasagne I had bought went in the bin after two bites but I liked the look of these cheese croquets so I heated three of them and that all I had tonight.when the sickness started amongst my tears at being alone I felt awful. I managed to read the ingredients in the packets and there it was “Chickpea flour” I’m allergic to chickpeas. Why can’t they use normal flour?. I was so angry with myself for not reading the label.i was so cold so put the blanket on and just wanted to sleep. I remembered my hubby got ordanston tablets during his chemo, so forced one of them down to try and stop me being sick. They must have worked as I’ve just wakened up and feel better only thing was the electric blanket was still on and I was sweating. Life is ever simple. I hate roller coasters and I feel I’m on one and can’t get off, 2am now and that will be me up for the night. Hope tomorrow is a better day for all of us. Take care xx

I’m so sorry to read this. And I do understand it. There are days when I have an almost manic ‘high’ energy level. The following morning I feel so flat and low that I can’t move from the sofa. There’s no managing or anticipating which way it will go. Just accept what you’re feeling and do what feels right on any given day. I hope today goes better for you xxx

Sending you a big hug Charlie and hoping today is better for you too xx

Thank you, I just feel drained this morning, no energy whatsoever after last night. Hope you have a good day as well xx

 Charlie

im having a brandy ️