I’m heartbroken

I have to.d everyone not to expect me to pop round, or in, or call or text tomorrow / today. 
I realised that since my beautiful Valen was wrenched from me I haven’t had any time to myself. 
Every day I have either been to our cafe, round mums, had sister round or long calls from his sister. 
I am utterly exhausted and fed up with planting a smile on and answering the how are you doing question. 
Today / yesterday when a friend said I was being so strong I told her that it was a different story behind my door. 
When another friend said the same I said I would rather have the choice to be weak with him here than strong without him. 
I am getting snappy with people who mean well and ask out of love for me. 

So I am taking today to ignore everyone.

The only people I will talk to today are here ️

That’s a smart idea. I did the same. One day I had five neighbours, friends and people that know us in the village we live in, come up to me and ask, “How are you doing.” I wanted to scream at them. In the end I was quite blunt and said, “I don’t want to talk about it,: and walked off. I just wanted to be left alone. I started going to a different garage to get petrol, and shops. I then stayed at home with the blinds down and weeped. This lasted a good month. Sending you hugs. Kate. Xxx

Ignore away, and try and enjoy some time for you.

I had to tell my mum to stop coming round to see me (doing her mum thing of looking after me) I needed to be alone.

To sit, to cry, to fall asleep, to watch crap tv, to stuff my face, to wander round the garden, but just me.

Love and hugs

Yes I am sick of the texts I get, you are such a strong person, I don’t get visitors, had no contact with anyone for days/weeks in fact apart from the funeral, except asking for a coffee and cake in Costa sitting by myself wondering if anyone else in same boat. Why do they think I am strong? I still cry all day behind my door, I try so hard to hold it together when I’m on the bus passing the crematorium where his ashes were scattered in the hills. I’m so sick of feeling like this, I’m the opposite I have to get out the house, today we only get one bus every two hours, I’m going to have to jump on it for my own sanity and go further afield for a different coffee and cake. I still can’t allow myself to drive, for some reason I just cry the minute I drive, prob look like a loony, then wonder how I got to where I am. Driving is totally out.  Been wakened for hours again but I think I got an extra  hour  this morning, this is maybe a positive sign. Take care everyone and do what’s right for you xxx

I really do understand that. The first three or four days after he died passed in a blur of social activity. I can’t believe looking back, how unreal the situation felt. I was off my head and living on adrenaline.

Then my parents arrived for ten days which was wonderful, but by the end I was so desperate for absolute silence, solitude and time to just sit/ slob without having to ‘be’ whatever I felt different people expected of me. 

And yes, the exhaustion was/is still overwhelming. I am seeing the psychologist from the palliative care team. She is the only person who gets to hear some of the horror and guilt and pain that I hold in my head and heart from living those final months. I leave every session feeling ‘light’ even if I hadn’t realised that I was feeling ‘heavy’ beforehand.

Take that time for yourself. Take as much as you need.

Sending hugs xx

I’m really pleased you are getting help Daisy, I feel so alone, I only had three people in the house for five minutes handing flowers in, apart from my daughter who came to take me to her house I’ve not seen anyone. I honestly don’t know what’s worse, being alone or seeing people. I do get loads of my friends texting me as they don’t live near me and if I don’t get out the house, I will go crazy. All I do is play games on my iPad, I’m even playing games on my hubbys ipad to keep his games going. I read his emails in case there is anything I need to do. Still can’t find where he took the house insurance from. Just need to watch when the email comes through when it’s due again. Take care xx

Well I had a pretty okish day on my own. 
I didn’t answer the phone to 2 people and ignored all but 2 texts.

I was in our garden from 9.30 to 3 with intermittent spells in the shed / garage / conservatory for spells of crying. 
I cleared the shed and de-cobwebed it, even hoovering the floor. Sorted out the tools and got a pile to give away.
Potted, planted, pruned, cleaned all the planters, cleaned the patio, topped up the birdfeeders.

Rest of the afternoon spent doing puzzle book and colouring book.

Cooked up a pot of spuds, mashed, added cheese and chilli sauce to divide into batches to freeze.

However ….. for the first time since my beautiful Valen left me I felt hungry. 
And that 3 days worth batch has all been eaten! 

I am definitely doing this no contact day again. 

Hugs to all xx

I'm so happy you enjoyed your day and you ate, yummy potatoes.

Well done.

Love and hugs xx

That sounds like a really good day to me - especially the mashed potato, chili, cheese combo!
I finally felt like I did something worthwhile in the garden, too. Mainly snipping and raking, but I also planted some bulbs. I have lots of plants/shrubs, that Stephen insisted that we buy, still in their pots. I haven’t found the energy to get them planted yet.

After a ‘good’ day I seem to crash back down the next morning. I hope that doesn’t happen to you. It’s almost like one step forward, two steps back. But even if that’s the case there still is a little bit of.... not really ‘progress’, more like acceptance.

Sending a Sunday night hug xx