Why?

I too thought (and hoped) the grief would kill me. I didnt see any way that this level of pain is survivable. My mantra every day was "I'm not going to make it". Then my little dog would come and lie with me, and look at me with such love in her eyes I am convinced it is her that has got me this far. I am 3 months in and the pain is gut wrenching and intense, my eyes are permanently sore from crying, but it IS getting better. You dont notice any improvement, it creeps up on you but then you look back to earlier days and realise how far you have come. I am not going to let this kill me, I am going to survive and one day thrive. I am just glad I will never have to go through this again. x

I totally agree with you I don't ever want to see anyone suffer like that again and equally I wouldn't want anyone to see me suffer, it's so traumatic, so its doubtful I will actively look for another relationship I was blessed to have had what I had anyway we were so happy with our little lives,rubbish jobs,not alot of spare money,passing ships he worked nights I worked days but it was perfect didn't know how perfect till it was taken x

I will never love again I know that, I dont want to. I am 63 this year and spent half of my life with my souulmate and best friend. I have always practised gratitude and used to thank my stars each and every day for what I had. I knew how blessed I was and its hard to be angry with a universe that gave me so much. I was so, so lucky and blessed and although I would go back to my old life in a heartbeat, I know I will be ok alone, I am an introvert and I love being in my own company. For that I am thankful. x

Hope your weekend is going ok, I know its strange people you don't know being concerned about you but that's what this forum is about x

Ihi crystal witch I'm wirrh you I know I will never love again because I don't want to lynnwas my every thing and at 66i don't need anyone else, after 2 years I thought I'd done all the firsts  but this week I did another I went a whole week without talking to another human bean perhaps people think I shouldn't be grieving now  even my daughter it breaks My heart the life we had is just a memory we live across from a pub and it shut 7 years ago so the community we had us gone i have has a drink but when I reach pension age in August  that's me selling up and moving to Spain  shit or bust  f  c it to everyone on this site god bless iv always been agnostic but I want to believe I will seelynne again otherwise what's the f   kin point  

Morning Jayne

Last night was rough and it neatly broke me. But I'm through and it's a new pain tinted day. I'm off to see my 90 year old altzimers mum soon, then back home to try and make sense of the money situation.and survive the silence.

How was your night?

THANK YOU FOR CARING. Made me smile

Morning,it wasn't a great night nothing on TV,had another meal I didn't enjoy ,and my day will consist of a dog walk,i wont be seeing anyone today then the massive effort of making Sunday lunch for one,which I won't enjoy but at least its acceptable have a glass of wine with Sunday lunch x

Hi Everyone!

Oh I am so glad it's not just me going through this. We all seem to be in the same age range. I'm 61 this year and as for relationships I don't think that will happen for me either after being with the one person for 40 years. I could see him far enough sometimes and sometimes we got on one another's nerves but it was a case can't live with him and can't live without him and as that other saying goes `you don't know what you've got til it's gone` and I think that is quite true because I am now beginning to realise that. We were making plans for the future for when he `got better` but that never happened and those plans have been cruelly snatched away from us. He fought for two and half years through this cancer battle beating it once, but it decided it was coming back for him and took him this time. Life can be so unfair and cruel at times. 

xx

Crystalwitch you sound like me. I quite like my own company also. I'm happy sitting at home with my wee dog and watching rubbish on the TV as Jay used to say. Pot Kettle there though, the mindless crap he used to watch. If I want to watch the soaps now I can or a movie on Netflix or Amazon whatever. I'm waiting on the `it's not good for you staying in the house all the time` but maybe I want that. I sometimes do wish for my old life back when Jay and I would just go out for a coffee for the hell of it or occasionally go out for dinner at the weekend or when he retired through the week. Just so hard to know that won't happen again. I've even thrown out the chinese and indian takeaway menus which were his favourites. I will have the odd Macdonalds or Burger King now or the something from the local chippy. There are things I want to do but will do them when I'm ready and at present I'm not. Jay was my soulmate too Crystal and I don't think I could love again either not at my late stage in life. Iwas used to being alone most of the time anyway because he used to work away a lot with his job but it was always the case I knew he was coming home but this time he isn't and won't ever be. 

xx

Something I struggle with is eating I miss sharing a meal seeing him enjoy what I had cooked he loved Sunday dinners sharing a takeaway, food has become a real issue for me still don't enjoy anything its just a necessity I eat to stop the kids worrying  about me pretending to cope with life on your own.