Why?

I am there also. Its just so bloody unfair. My little dog has got me throught the last 11 weeks since losing my beloved partner. You must hold on for them, they need you.Dont hold back the tears, let them come, the more emotion you can release, the better your healing will be. You/we DO have a life, and as I keep saying to everyone who will listen.....time heals. I definitely feel different than I did 11 weeks ago. Each day puts more distance between us and losing our loved one.Dont expect too much of yourself, one tiny step at a time is the way to go. Sending you massive hugs, am always around for a chat xx

I've not had the time heals advice yet. In fact and blissfully people's steer clear of me. It's all so awkward for them. My dogs are amazing to, but I can sense their puzzlement as to where mum.is.  But as loving as they are they're  not human

 I haven't seen or spoken to anyone (bar a grunt to customers about business)for a week plus and thats hard. If death came calling I would welcome it,but i.wouldn't seek.  Its just  so much harder than i.ever envisaged 

Its a living hell, in my darkest times I have wondered how this level of pain is even survivable. But it is. I consider myself fortunate in that I am an introvert and I dont crave human company. I think it stems from being an only child and always having to entertain myself! As much as I loved and adored (and dreadfully miss) my partner and soulmate, I am comfortable alone and weirdly I dont feel lonely or alone. My heart is broken as is yours and all breaks need time to heal. As everyone deals so differently, its hard to know what to suggest but maybe some bereavement therapy would help you? I am retired so I dont have work to contend with, I can just happily shut myself away and not have to be sociable! (I bet this is making me sound like a right weirdo!)  I read a lot and reading has massively helped me, for the first few weeks I just watched videos and old sitcoms that I love, I just tried to make each day pass as quickly as possible. We will feel better, we just have to get through this hell first. xxxx

I'm 12 months off retirement and that's what makes me so angry. We had dreams but before the coma Stole her from us, she apologised for wrecking our retirement. Like you I'm usually happy in my own company and to quote an old uthernisim you'd always find me in the kitchen at party's. But as much as I like my own company and am shy, I.had a life long partner who was half my soul. She was the social person but now she's gone I feel rudderless.... none of this  makes any sense your no doubt thinking....

It absolutely makes sense, its just so unfair and cruel. My partner retired last september then got sick in december. I am so angry at the years we have had stolen. I spent half my life loving the person that has been snatched from me. I feel awful saying this but I look at other couples I know and I think why couldnt it have been you? And I am so ashamed to think that because I would not wish this on anyone. 

You sum it up perfectly... stolen.

When it gets to much and the tears come I find myself shouting "why" to an empty house and concerned dogs. 

I find I also look at "normals" and feel bitter, demanding why us and not them. I've battled two elderly parents during covid locked in a deteriorating flat, built them an annex in our garden to free them. Then days after moving in my dementia cursed dad died and now my mum is in a home with altzimers. Then the cancer.and the loss of my soul partner.

So I look at the "normals " and feel anger as I ask again and again "why"...

I am so sorry, I wish I had the words to make it better. Just hang in there, we can do this.

I get the sense "we" is unlikely as people avoid Me currently and would soon get fed up.  My children have families and while they care they don't grasp.who.it is as their partners still draw breath. Sorry for the rants. A bad day. I'll leave you in peace now, but thank-you 

Dont be sorry, and rant as much as you like. You wont always have a bad day, this is what you need to keep reminding yourself. There have been times in the last 11 weeks, particularly the first 3 - 4 that I really didnt think I would make it. The pain was just too overwhelming and I thought it would kill me I really did. But in my heart, I KNOW in time the pain will lessen. It already has, maybe in little bits but it is getting better. I think sometimes if you make yourself do stuff it can help, like the other day I was lying on my sofa just crying and feeling distraught. I actually got angry with myself because I was so sick of the feeling, I forced myself, really forced myself, to go for a short walk and drink a bottle of water. Ok, 2 very small insignificant things but I did it and I actually felt better after. When I am at my lowest I try and do something, anything, and it really helps. Only you can navigate your way through this terrible time in the way that is right for you. It does require a bit of effort but once you get into the habit it gets easier. xx

I find now I'm at work life bumps along and I haven't thought of my wife for 10 minutes and feel guilty. I cracked a joke with a customer today and felt guilty. All of is ridiculous. Then something insignificant will occur and I'll break down.  It's a mess.

Now it's the weekend.  My daughter and grandson popped in for 30 minutes. Aside from the supermarket checkout that's my last intersection with a another person until work on Monday.  I used to love weekends with 'Us' time. Now they are to be dreaded....