What Were They Really Thinking and Feeling?

Hi

It really does hurt, I have a nice home,money,a family a future just got learn to walk alone now I really don't want feel like this forever .

I too have wondered what my husband was feeling.  He passed away on 23rd July having been in hospital for three weeks recovering from pneumonia.  He was transferred to the local hospice on 22nd July and having settled him in I left him with the words I love you and I'll see you in the morning.  I received a phone call from the hospice at 6 am the following morning saying his condition had worsened.  The family all gathered there and were with him when he passed at 10.12 am.  I am plagued with the thoughts that I’d left him overnight, not expecting him to go so soon.  We were married almost 52 years and I am so lost without him.  He was such a lovely man and so loving.  Grief is a tsunami.  It washes over me when I’m not expecting it.  I’m lucky I have a close supportive family and friends but oh its so lonely without him.  

I send love and support to all who are going through this difficult and painful time with me. Xx

Hi

I often wonder how Dave was really feeling. Only once (less than a week before he dies) he said “I can’t keep doing this “ when he was having a bath and I could see he was close to tears. Through all the rest of the time he never really said anything about how he was feeling. We were all really shocked as Dave was generally a glass half empty person whereas my glass is always full, but he handles it all so well. He carried on working for a long time and stayed so upbeat. Looking back I am sure that was his way of protecting me- he once said the worst thing about having cancer was how sad it made his family and he didn’t want any of us to hurt. But he must have been hurting. So did I fail him as a wife - I know I did everything I thought he needed but looking back was it enough- should I have tried to get him to open up more ? Was he in pieces when he knew I wasn’t there and couldn’t see ? Just thinking about this breaks my heart all over again (not that it’s ever mended). I am trying to get on with things and do keep busy (with five grandchildren ages three and under) but there’s always this  gaping hole in everything I do. This is not how we imagined out future would be. I have always been quite independent but now I’m finding it so hard to make decisions - even renewing the car insurance- which k always did anyway. Now it seems like such a big deal because, as other have said, there’s no longer Dave  to bounce ideas off. I had to go and order a new sofa and I almost broke down on the shop. God knows how those of you that want/need to move house cope. Fortunately that’s something I don’t have to contend with. 
Although Dave didn’t talk about how he felt he did say to me that I should find someone else but to be careful because I’d be a good catch (house paid for etc) I told him that I will not be finding someone new. I meant it then and I mean it now. I am not interested in meeting a new man. I’ve had my big love. I’m happy to live out my years with friends and family to keep me occupied. Well meaning family say I might change my mind but I just can’t see it. I didn’t think anyone could ever live up to Dave and the love that we had. 
Oh my goodness. I’ve just realised how long this post is. Guess I needed to get a few things out of my head tonight. 
Big hugs to each and every one of you.

Jillian x x

Oh Jillian.  This is the worst possible grief that one can feel. Saying I'm sorry is nice, but doesn't help. I don't know how how or when one goes on from this. My family and friends are trying to give me glimmers of hope, but I don't feel any of that at the moment. This is cruel and confusing. I can only wish you a moment of peace.

Hi Jilly bean 74

my my ….. most of your post I couldn’t written!

I like you strong independent always looked after household bills insurances the lot but I was that woman because I had Paul right by my side always….

since Paul passed away that woman has gone. Obviously still ‘doing’ what I’ve got to do but my fire zest  for life  has so gone

i to beat myself up about the shouldve’s about encouraging Paul to open up but I feel as you say we don’t know what they they thinking and they had to deal with it and were protecting us

and yes Paul briefly once did  I’m young enough to meet someone else I said didn’t want to and that was the end of that conversation 

I am having counselling and my counsellor has said there shouldn’t be the word should’ve we did what we did at the time

we could all look  back and don’t get me wrong I still so do about the way Paul’s cancer went was going ( we should’ve) realised but we were clinging on so hard he’d get through it and yes you could say in denial  but you cling for dear life and hope and pray and trundle from one appointment to the next

Paul was a farmer and he worked up to 5 weeks before he died …… that’s how he coped…

all he used to say we’ve got a plan ( treatment) we’ll get there

sadly  passed away 24th july just 14 weeks today

stay strong and keep going

all of us on here find it so incredibly hard not to mention the seeing couples thing

now  at my long post!

Sending hugs to absolutely everyone who find themselves in this shit ( sorry!) situation 

lolxx

so very long 14 weeks

i try to keep myself busy we moved 10 days before Paul passed away  

and yes like you I don’t know how folks move without thier right hand man

desp counselling I’m struggling big time

this so resonated with me, my feelings and words I wish I could have written. I sometimes wonder did  I do enough, i just think i didn’t comprehend Rob had only weeks to live, it was just a dream that I thought I would wake up from and we would be back to normal.  My daughter assured me I couldn’t have done more but I still believe I should have, no idea what though.  A lot of the last few weeks of his life are still a blur.

Its been 14 months now and I thought I was doing well but last few months I’ve had a lot of bad days.

I have Covid at the moment which is not helping as no Rob to look after me and although neighbours have been great at dropping off food it’s not the same with nobody in house for a week or can even visit.  

I think I need some counselling again, I had counselling last year but it didn’t help, was really too early I think and got nothing really from it now I think back. 

I just wish we could all turn the clocks back to before the nightmare times began

i moved this year and firmly believe Rob sent me here.  It was nowhere where I was looking (i’d never heard of this village) but something made me add a few miles on Rightmove and I saw the perfect house.  As soon as my daughter and I saw it was like yes that’s it.

Rob would have wanted money off price (he hated paying full price)  and he’d have haggled, me I just offered full asking price although I did stick to my guns with the developer when they wanted to change things.

Its been hard not being able to discuss things to buy but it does mean I’ve been able to buy this gs that I lived and Rob would have hated

Hi Chelsea blue girl

well done for moving….

yes like you the last few weeks of Paul’s life ( but obviously didn’t know it) was a blur

suppose it’s a way of coping denial, didn’t think it was happening , actually couldn’t take in it really was happening

all these things like you go through my head 

I never ever thought about life without paul

like everyone my life 14 weeks tonight ended

but looking back since diagnosis 9th December 2021 life so changed but we clung on , wanted normality, wanted things to work out ……

pauls boss said to me early on

some people get through it

some people dont

sadly Paul didn’t and I’m broken

yes I get up dressed ,’busy’ but  at home , hate going out…..

so folks think I’m getting on ok

far from it……

hugs to everyone in this dire utterly heartbreaking situation 

xx

Why do we do this pretending we are ok, every nightI i tell myselfI'm going pull myself together tomorrow,but my morning starts with me pacing around a silent house feeling scared feeling quite unwell thinking ill ring the drs but knowing I'll be in a queue of 30 people and also knowing they can't help fix me, so I shower get dressed do my makeup make sure I drink another glass of water,

God think iv just described someone who's coping, well it's crap I hate it it's awful