What Were They Really Thinking and Feeling?

I've stopped pretending when it hit me that that's what I was doing. I have stopped replying to "The how are you?" question with ok and now say, with a little tone at times, that it's not going to get better than it is. Yes, I think I will in time 'move on' but it is never going to be the same. The impact my wife had on my life is astronomical.

I would also describe the situation as being 'stuck' - a friend thought that I was lost (I'll acknowledge they were only trying to help!) but I am not. I know what I need to do but am 'stuck' in moving forward at the moment. Making any decision is a nightmare as I keep coming up with both sides of the argument. I still don't agree with taking a year before big decisions are made but I seem to contradict myself somewhat at the moment. For example, the house gives me comfort but also causes much pain; I said I wouldn't turn it into 'a shrine' but I find myself having little things in just about every room as reminders as I don't want to put them away or get rid of. I see the point in doing it but also think it's silly as I have all the memories, which will never leave me. The pain comes from, and this is where only we understand, is that the last 20 months or so in it were hardly enjoyable. 

I take a break from time to time and go away for a few days mostly returning 'home' to where family live. I think this is where I am heading back longer term but also see that as a move not necessarily forever but one to rebuild and then decide if that is where I want to be or if I have another move left in me. 

As I said, stuck is how I would describe it!

That's my bit for just now.

Take care everyone,

WDJ

When people ask, I tell them I am trudging through thick fog, trying to find the right direction. This may seem strange, but I watched the Netflix series "After Life" with Ricky Gervais in two days. I couldn't stop. I was sobbing anyway and he captures the feeling of grief perfectly. For the time I was watching, I wasn't pretending. I went through a full box of tissues. There are moments of comedy also. It's brilliant. Don't watch it if you don't want to be triggered. 

I, too, have Robert's clothes in every room, his watch, our photos, etc. I don't feel any pressure about that. It's okay.

Hi All

Get what you all say……

we moved 10 days before Paul died …… in the pipeline for 7 months he so wanted us here  and me here 

he would’ve loved it here and was so looking forward to living here……

Hes ‘here’ with me all the time 

I talk to him constantly 

But he’s NOT here tho

When folk ask me how I am I say plodding, struggling , or just shit

And yes they have no idea

Give them the truth…… for me that’s the only answers I have

Folk say I know it’s tough

No they bl…y don’t!!

love to all

xx

Your so right,I'm stuck I love and hate my house so many happy memories here but the last 2 years have wiped them out,it's tainted with sadness now,iv don't want to move but I think I have too,I'm scared to death where I'll end up and I'll be on my own no one to tell me it's ok,no one to run things by,the kids try but they really don't know what being alone is really like,it really does feel like being on the worst roller coaster that you want to jump off but darent so you are stuck.

Jayne 64,

I completely agree with not having someone to bounce ideas off of. Yes other family members are there for us but we know it's not the same.

I too feel scared a little about moving, which is ironic as it was me who always instigated house, city and UK moves. Some worked out better than others over the decades.

My concern at the moment stems from knowing what I need to do, want to do, and seem able to do. Maybe that last one should be unable to do. I just can't make any decision and stick with it!

WDJ

I know what you mean I just can't make decisions,no idea what the right thing for me is I just want someone to put there arms around me and tell me not to worry they will sort it,but the man who did that has gone,I have family around me but not that person who loved me just loved me for who I am,not a mum nanny or sister,just loved me 

Well said. The word "stuck" keeps coming up. 

Hello Jayne 64 

So understand you and all the others on this thread at the moment. It has brought up so much emotion and also questions. Which we can't seem to answer. People try to help but it is beginning to irritate me with this how are you business. Then push on about themselves. I badly need a hug too. My Barry was the one who helped me through bad periods in my life and now he isn't here. Been living in France for 22 years now, and can't imagine the upheaval returning to Scotland? Day by day, gets me through the shit! Writing really helps me though. A grief journal, jotting things down how I feel at the time. Will see over the time how far I have actually come? Don't panic and keep breathing I say...one small step each day, it is ok.

Hugs back to you 

Hi,thanks for reply i have family,friends,neighbours people iv known for years,yet its bizarre how I get most comfort from all of you on this forum your strangers iv never met and never will meet its so strange,I'm 58 I always considered myself to be tough but this experience has rocked me I really do hate my life at the moment,then you watch pride of Britain and I feel even more guilty for complaining I'm just very damaged can't help it I don't want anyone to feel like I do x

Jayne 64,

That's an interesting comment. I was thinking something similar earlier today, in what do I have to 'moan' about, when I was having a moment and told myself it wasn't me who was suffering. But my this hurts!

Take care,

WDJ