Struggling a bit

Hi everyone,

Reading all of these posts has made me feel that I'm definitely not alone in 'dragging my heels' when it comes to sorting out my husband's clothes and personal effects. Feels as if I am finally saying goodbye to him... which is mad really as clothes are just clothes, I guess. He was definitely the sort of person who would have said get rid of things as soon as possible.

However he was a hoarder when it came to the garden shed and DIY tools etc. I have managed to share them out between sons in law and friends. We also managed to fill a skip with some things - they might have ended up in a museum otherwise!! (The shed also went in the skip - new one being put up soon).

We all have to go at our own pace and shouldn't be rushed or feel guilty, whenever we do it. 

Good luck to all of you in this horrible situation; it does get easier some days, others not so. 

Love to all,

Llamalover (Lynne) xx

This site is a godsend. You're right just do things in your time. I have a gardener coming tomorrow to start a little project for me as someone gave me a rose to plant so I'm taking one side of stuff out and going to create something where the rose can go and I can sit to remember. 

I've not made it back to work yet but I'm a primary school teacher so I can't just leave if I'm having a bad day! 

We talked about a few things but I'd have loved more time. However we met at 17 and had 35 years so we knew each other well and I'm trying to do it how he'd want. I can hear his voice and how he would react x have a good day all x

Hi, l am doing exactly the same thing at the moment. I have my 2 sons come up and help me sort out Pete's garage, what a nightmare. I walk in and start crying straight awayas l should be seeing my darling Pete working in there. Everything l either give our sons or my brother, l keep saying that " you have to promise me not to give them away".

I have now put our home up for sale and l am going to move closer to our sons. I am having my bathroom completely decorated by my sons, and it is sods law everything l need either plumbing screw ect l have given them away, So now nothing else is going until l actually move, l bet Pete is up there saying" that is why l never got rid of anything.

You're being very brave sorting your home to sell and move. That will be tricky I'd think. Sounds like it will be nice to be nearer your son's. My son and his girlfriend live with us well me now and it nice to have them around. I hope you get the house sorted quickly and are able to move x

Hi,

Yes l know that it is a big decission moving, but me and Pete had discussed it before he passed. I think to be honest we both new his passing was near but just tried to carry on as normal what ever that maybe . He wanted to know that l would be safe as we live a bit in the sticks, and if anything ever happened to me our sons would notbe able to get to me quick enough . We had only just lived here for  4 years when Pete passed, it isa lovely bungalow with wrap around garden secluded, it was to be our forever home, but without him here it is not our home anymore . 

Hi Lynne, I know what you mean about the hoarding.  Nic had so many many clothes, I didn't realise until I went through them how many.  And they say women like buying clothes!  They are bagged up ready for charity but I can't quite pluck up the courage to part with them.  Has to be done though when the time is right.

Also re the garage.  I've gone through it all so I know what's there, but there is so much.  For example 80 screwdrivers, 30 pairs of pliers and many other multiples of things, together with all the power tools any decent self employed handyman could ever want. Plus the rest.  I'm going to sort it out properly over the summer and work out what I need to keep.  I'm then going to have a yard sale in aid of Macmillan as Nic's Macmillan nurse was very involved in his care and absolutely supportive of both of us.

Onwards when the motivation strikes me.

Take care everyone x

Hi,

Ah, your post made me smile - know what you mean about the 30 pairs of pliers etc!

Its a lovely idea to have a yard sale for Macmillan - it crossed my mind, but wasn't sure if I could do it. Our Macmillan nurse was lovely, very supportive and caring to us both. 

Today would have been our 49th wedding anniversary (married at 19, husband was 21 - frowned upon to live together in those days!, even if it was the 70s). Feeling mixed emotions and can't remember anything about last year's, Roy was very ill and more or less housebound by then, so maybe I am blotting it out. I try to remember the good ones, when we went away for a few days, instead.

I do have memories (not so good ones) suddenly ambush me in the middle of doing something and sometimes everything seems a lifetime ago and then it seems like yesterday. I'm told this is normal, not sure.

Managed to sort out more clothes yesterday, will have to take them somewhere soon.

Love to all,

Lynne xx

Hi all. 
Sadly new to this. I lost my husband 5 weeks ago. Today was my first grief counseling assessment.
What’s the best thing to do when it’s too much? 

I can’t sleep. I took care of my husband when he was released home to go as he wished and I still wake up to check on him. 
So, I don’t really sleep. Sometimes I still see how he was the night he passed. It haunts me how he went. 

Days like today I just want to lay down and do nothing. Everything seems like a monumental task and there’s so much to sort out…it’s all daunting. 

I have his family for support but I’m not from here originally. I got stuck here during COVID and only know his family and friends here. But they take good care of me. 

Do these days get fewer or easier? It seems hard to see things getting better at this point. 

Hello

its so good you have support from your husbands family, it doesn’t take away the pain, but it does help. It’s very early days for you, when at your stage, I couldn’t bear to do anything, had no enthusiasm to do anything, spent most of the time, in bed or just sitting in Linda’s armchair. I found it hard to concentrate on anything, switched between various TV programmes, as they often made me agitated and anxious. It’s perfectly ok to do nothing, you need to do what you need to do. In the early days, it’s enough sometimes, just to eat and drink. Give yourself time, the pain hasn’t really eased for me, I still get tearful, 9 months on, but I am managing better, it really is a case of a day at a time, and tiny steps.

i tried meditative music, sometimes it relaxed me, but often made me cry, but that can be comforting as well. We are all so different, it’s essential you do what’s right for you. Don’t be afraid to ask your GP for help.

take care of yourself x

Hi Sash  I lost my husband 6 months ago.  I really feel for you as well as everyone on this site, its good that you have gone for grief counselling , I found it helpful to talk to someone I didn't know, as well as family and friends.  I too looked after Peter at home and was with him when he died, it was what he wanted.  I don't think it is easy to go through that with someone you love, but better to be there than not if possible. I think as most people say it doesn't go away just becomes a little easier, but i still don't sleep much and am always tired think it's the constant whirl of thoughts going through the mind.

Someone said to to me if you want to lay down  and do nothing just do that, tomorrow is another day, baby steps, and do a little at a time, I've still got loads to do and some days can't do anything just read to take my mind off things, sometimes read the same page over and over, but other days I can do a little.  I know what you mean and everyone on here will identify with the monumental task of things to to do

It' good that you have his family and friends for support and as to things getting easier, everyone is different  and I think it's time.  I have just joined a couple of groups to get myself out, was still really hard, but it's early days for you

Take care and keep coming back on here.