Struggling a bit

Hi, Having read these posts I am so glad I am not alone in feeling the way I am right now.  Its been 15 months since my wife died and I genuinely thought that I was getting there. I have some great friends who have helped me along the way, my children have also been so supportive and vice versa.

Once the initial trauma faded and the various tasks were completed, I tried to take a positive approach to this new chapter in my life.  Made plans, had really useful counselling, stepped away from my business at the end of 2021 to focus on things I wanted to do. And, on the surface, this seems to have worked.  Everyone keeps telling me "you are doing so well"....

But, like many here it would seem, I still feel lost and so so tired at times.  Understandably, people move on with their lives and I think there is an expectation or belief that I am doing the same. I am trying but it seems now, at times, to be even harder than a year ago.  And love my friends and family as I do, I know that they really don't get it.   I consider myself still to be young (56) and I know I want more out of the rest of my life, though sometimes I just want to hide away and ignore the world.

I don't necessarily feel unhappy all the time, in fact sometimes it feels that I am the happiest since my wife died.  It was a low bar of course. Someone here used the word "flat" and that probably sums it up.  I actually really like doing "stuff" and achieving "things" and I know that helps me, but sometimes I just could not be bothered.  

I've never used a forum site like this before, so thank you for reading if you do, but it is good finally to see that others in similar circumstances are not too dissimilar to me.  Thank you

'You are doing so well' is an expression everyone uses  but they don't see us when we're not doing so well, especially when we're sitting alone at night watching tv or when we get up on a morning without our other half beside us.  it's been 2 years since Colin died and some family members don't 'get it' when I say I don't want to go on holiday or have a National Coaches 4 days in Blackpool with them - I just want to be home but like you I want to do stuff but can't @rsed  

We could have years ahead like in a grave near Colin, a lady died in 1963 and her husband died in 2017 and I quote "At the splendid age of 105" wow! 

Keep on with this forum,  it's really helpful to many members and you never know who gets help from reading the posts. 

Have a good day 

Hello,

All of these posts have helped me to put things into perspective in some way, so thanks to all of you for that. I too am always being told I am strong and positive, but actually I'm just getting on with life, as we all have to when we have lost our beloved partners.

I am fortunate to have two grown up daughters and their families living fairly close by, so see them on almost a daily basis. They have been so good to me and for me, in getting through the past eight months since my husband died and before that when he was so ill. (We have supported each other, its not all one way) I do have good friends too, but discover you find out who your real friends are when in this situation. Talking on these forums really does help.

I'd say to anyone, take up invitations and offers of meals out etc, they may not seem like a good idea at the time, but can help a little to ease the loss and pain we all feel. I'm not sure how I'm meant to act as a widow (how I hate that word), so I just carry on being me as much as possible. That's not to say I don't have really down times and as someone said, its the waking up in the morning and not having anyone at the side of you that hurts.

I wish you all the very best. Tomorrow really is another day.

xx

Llama lover I completely agree with you. Nothing will change the crap situation we have found ourselves in so like you I take up the offers of meet ups, meals out & enjoy the opportunity of company & social interaction xx

llama lover, i couldn’t have said it better myself.  You certainly know who your friends are but like you I have to get on with it.  Yes I have bad days, My best friend came round today and I had a little weep when we were talking about a particular memory.

Love is eternal, all our lives have changed, we carry on but in a different way.

Llama lover, you are right of course. Trying to say yes to as much as I can to those invites. Even if I don’t always feel it. Sometimes that “comfort zone” beckons but am trying to resist it. Hope everyone had a better day than the day before or at least hope tomorrow will be better than today…

Hey I've also packed up Adrian's clothes and kept some.bita. it is only two months since he passed but he told me not to hang on to his stuff! Been tough to do. Now I need a charity bag to come through the door as I've found that's the easiest way to sort it. He hadnt been able to wear his wedding ring for quite a while and I remember asking where it was and he said in his drawer but I hadn't been able to do find it til yesterday. That's was a rough moment but was so glad to have found it. Adrian was only 52 like me and I can't believe he's gone so young. Hope you're all coping in your own way and I've found there's no right way- you do things at your pace. Love to all x

Hello NY

As BootsyD says, “You’re doing really well” is over used I think, when I achieve something and feel a little positive ( very rare for me in both instances ) I tell my children or relative, and I’m not sure what I want them to say, from my perspective I just want to share that I have achieved something, albeit something small, but I usually get the response, “ well done really productive day “ or “ you are doing really well “ in their defence, I don’t suppose there’s much else to say, be nice if there was a little conversation about what I’d done, but the standard replies are so much easier I suppose, but then it puts me off sharing my achievements, as I know what the reply will be.
I am so glad I found this forum, without this I would have thought I’m the only one that feels this way. Reading your post, I guess I am not unhappy, although it’s a thin line between all our emotions, I do feel totally empty and destroyed.
I  Was never the life of the party before my Linda passed, but believe I tried to be positive and thankful for life. Now Life just feels like a curse, shouldn’t really say that, as Life is too precious and shouldn’t be undervalued, but  it it’s hard to think that way, when every day seems so pointless.

Take care and keep safe

Positivemum

I was just thinking about sorting some of  Peter's clothes and think the charity bag through the door is the best idea, as you have no idea where they are going. however my husband has only been gone six months and I've only managed to sort his work clothes and tracky bottoms. I keep looking at the others but can't bring myself to do it even though i could do with the space.  As everyone says I know I should just do it when I can. and small steps Take care