Went to bed before 10 and did sleep till 1.30 am quite well actually until now- now just been awake , troubled , got a cuppa tea and found a pear going mouldy in fridge so cut round it and bought it back to bed. Made me think of my husband in his last couple months of he had some really bad nights which meant I had bad nights too he would be in the kitchen making a drink and munching biscuits at silly times of the night. It was almost like he was sleep walking sometimes and disoriented and would return back to bed and try to get in my side of the bed and wake me up, In the morning I would find biscuits crumbs over the worktop and often a half eaten biscuit by the bed or on the floor, fridge door open or milk left out. I used to moan but I’d love to have all that again.
I read something else on grief today that said something about Finding out who you are now you are on your own..words to that effect I know who I am and don’t want to change that. I wish nothing had changed but it has.
Had a strange day here today some good stuff and just need to talk to him and share with him, what’s happened I have been talking to him quite a lot tonight. I’m crying again tonight tears rolling gently down my cheeks (quite getting used to that now I have never cried so much) someone said at work yesterday that my husband and i seemed very strong and able to deal with things, well we were but I’m not now !!! The strong one has gone the one who loved me has gone.
Had the bereavement counselling assessment today too which apparently appears that I should get some help .
Thinking ahead about 5 weeks time will be or would have been (what do we actually say now] my husbands birthday and mine shortly after so I have just at this time of the morning booked a little trip for one round the harbour a silly half price offer caught my eye but he will be with me and hopefully when no ones looking I can scatter a tiny bit of his ashes.
I need to try to sleep now I know I’ve waffled and feeling tired again now
