3am can’t sleep anyone else awake?

Sorry I didn’t reply, for some reason I went offline, but was awake.  

It’s now an unbelievable unbearable 9 months since my beautiful Valen was ripped from me. 
I turned over and saw the clock. It was 3.33. My darling was take at 4.44.  

I know it’s just another number. 
And I miss him as much as when he had been gone 9 seconds or 9 weeks or will miss him in 19 months or 9 years. 
But it has got to me more than the 7 or 8 month mark. 

I had the distraction of my routine mammogram today. 
2 of our dearest friends met me and we went for lunch at one of Valen and my favourite places which is only now open as a pop up cafe a couple of days a week.  
And it was so nice to see the owners. More people who know me through having become friends with Valen first. 
When I got home I did some deadheading as another distraction. 
But just stood sobbing. 
I just want to scream and scream and scream and scream. 
I want to wake up from this nightmare. 
I want him to come home from work. Walk down the road. Text me to put his jacket potato on. 
My head knows he won’t as I saw him leave. 
I wish the rest of me would catch up.

Hopefully you got back to sleep and if you didn’t that you at least rested. X

Thank you I did for a while then have just woke up from 1.5 hours afternoon nap I just crashed out. Hardly surprising after last night but this morning went to go food shopping then got to shop realised I didn’t actually have my handbag with me and hoped it was still in my porch which fortunately it was as I went straight home I decided food bits can wait till tomorrow now instead.  So tonight’s tea is a sausage sarni ! 

Missing texts is definitely up there with me too. I did for one second  think he was sat this morning in the lounge as I came from the bathroom his side profile on the sofa but I know it wasn’t. Other folk have said their loved ones have visited them maybe he did.

It is a nightmare …..the family are organising a family meal to celebrate a very big wedding anniversary for my parents I would rather not have to go yet another thing to have to cope with on your own.

Hope you manage some sleep too this evening.

We were in the throes of planning a big party for August for an early 90th for my mum, a belated 80th for brother in law, 60th for sister and a 25th wedding anniversary. 
It was all getting a bit big and overblown so my sister and her husband, the 80th, 60th and 25th said they are going away instead. 
My dear old mum said she really really doesnt want to have a party. 
She misses our beautiful Valen more than she admits and she also lost her youngest brother this year. She said she would rather a meal with me and the above.

I’m so relieved. I was already dreading it. 

With Jay it was the phone calls through the day while he was at work. He was always out on the road travelling to building jobs he used to build advertising boards and this took him all over Scotland and the sometimes the north of England. If he was coming home (he had to stay away sometimes) he would phone and ask what was for dinner and used to answer himself `burnt offerings` he knew I was a rubbish cook. He used to listen to the radio a lot when out driving and he would listen to a station that had a daily music quiz can't really remember what station it was and him and his workmate used to play along and if they couldn't get an answer he used to phone me as he knew I was good at these things. It was usually what group sang this/that song etc. I do miss that. Toosoon I get that if you leave the house without your phone purse etc and go back once in you just don't feel like going out again. and the naps in the afternoon I try to avoid those because it does make it harder for me to sleep at night but like you and MrsVT I still get this waking up in the `wee small hours` and looking at the ceiling. This week though I have been getting up earlier as I am minding my son's dog he and the family are away on holiday and she goes out really early in the mornings as my son's job means he leaves early in the mornings.  They have their own back and front door and I'm in a main door upstairs flat so it's a bit impractical for me at 6/7 in the morning as I need to get up get dressed and get her harness on get her downstairs to the front door and by this time she has already peed so caused a few accidents.  I have my own wee dog as well they get on ok though and my sister is staying with me because the big one can only be walked on her own she's a bit boisterous so I take her and my sister takes the wee one. Worked as a team. Take Care.

Vicky x

I found a place to scream!

I was looking for a bag in the wardrobe and looked in my beautiful Valen’s part. The middle of a 3 sliding door wardrobe. 
His section is still full of his everyday t.shirts, his Christmas jumper, a work shirt and his “going out” shirt that I can’t part with, yet. 
I grabbed a fist full and held them to my face. 
They don’t have his scent as he never used aftershave.
If anything his scent is Tiger Balm

Anyway, I started crying. Then without thinking, I got in the wardrobe, sat on the floor, pulled the door along a bit, buried my face in as many tops as I could and just screamed and screamed knowing no one would hear me. 
I screamed till my throat hurt. 

It made me feel better. X

I am glad you have found a place to scream. Just be careful of your throat. 

 It is part of the pariah club, scream if you need too. 

SLEEP tonight all being well sleeping pill to try ???

Saw my docs as suggested not one of our usual docs he hadn’t had time to read the notes beforehand and was late in due to traffic but issued me sleeping pills to try for a short period my first time ever and put it down as stress related and Tearful He Talked a lot whilst I cried actually wasn’t taking it all in good job I read up after on my notes what he said.

So all being well I shall sleep soundly tonight all ready for work tomorrow . watch this space …

My pharmacist on collecting my pills asked about my husband today as he always does but I had to tell him he had gone. I had told his staff to pass it on previously but he was on holiday he came round the front to give me a hug he was so sorry to hear the news.